Bipolar Check-In #93

Good morning. I woke up at 2am and wasn’t able to get back to sleep. Slept a grand total of exactly 3 hours so I’m very tired. I did a load of laundry at 4am because I was up and there’s no one doing laundry at that time so I figured I might as well get it out of the way before people get up and start going to to do laundry. Right now one of the washers is out of order on our floor and there’s only two washers on each floor. So hopefully they get ours fixed soon

I am not paranoid or dissociated or panicked so far today. Though it’s still early. And that kind of stuff tends to happen in the afternoons for me. Hopefully it’s gonna be one of my good days though where I don’t experience that. Sometimes I go weeks without it there’s really no telling when it will happen. Sometimes it’s every other day. Sometimes less frequently. Usually though it’s preceded by a intense feeling of overwhelm or stress and then that triggers the dissociation which then triggers panic about the dissociation which then triggers paranoia about my meds poisoning me and that triggers the panic and dissociation even more. It’s a big mess of an endless loop.

I did some progressive muscle relaxation this morning. The fidget cube thing I ordered comes today. I also got some new colored pencils because I gave my other set of 120 colored pencils to my neighbor, the 85 year old lady (Papi’s previous owner). So I got myself a set of 72 to replace those. I didn’t mind giving her my other ones. It feels good to help people and she loves to color so I know she’ll put them to good use. She made spaghetti and garlic bread last night and called me down to come get a plate. She’s really sweet.

I went to an exercise class in my building yesterday. It was fun. Though right when I got back to my apartment the dissociation and panic started. I’m hoping to start exercising more and using the treadmill again regularly. And do strength building exercises and yoga.

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I’m sorry you’re struggling @June08 I hope you get some relief soon. Does your psychiatrist have any ideas of anything that could help?

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So I'm doing a thing, and I know the thing I'm doing is a bad idea but I'm doing it anyway. I cut my loxapine dose in half. Maybe this time I'll be fine.

@LadyShadow

I don't know if this is a good idea or not, but maybe you should cut off all contact with your ex? I'm sure that would be hard. But I think in the long run you'd feel better because you wouldn't constantly be waiting for that phone call.

Weight talk



At my next psychiatrist appointment I'm going to ask her if we can cut back on the seroquel a bit. I know she's just going to tell me to "diet and exercise more" but I'm already dieting and my weight is not budging! I've been, roughly, the same weight the last three years! I don't like it. And I'm tired of constantly battling with my hunger. I'm starving about 99% of the time and I'm sick of it!! It's really getting old!

Thinking of you @June08 this morning, hoping you're okay and have a good day today.

I am sorry your sleep was so messed up @Blue_Bird - I hope you have a good day today, and maybe get a nap in? I hope you're not too tired during the day.

@raspberrytorte - trust me if it was easy to just not contact my ex anymore, I would have done it a long time ago. I am in love wih the man, and we both just hold on to each other for whatever reason. My life is definitely just waiting around for a phone call and I really hate it, but I am not doing anything to change it, or I just don't have the strength to change it right now. I am just trying my best to live my life the best I can, but I am pretty much going to be alone forever because I am too fat and ugly to date anyone.

Feeling better today for whatever reason - got up early and finally got somewhere with work. I have a meeting on Friday at 5:30am with an international client, so that's going to be a real pain, but sometimes the job is just like that. I have my Legion of Mary meeting later, so I am going to try my best to feel positive about that.

Sorry you’re struggling about the weight issue @raspberrytorte I find that difficult too. It’s so annoying that the meds help so well yet the weight gain is frustrating

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@LadyShadow I don’t think you’re fat or ugly at all, you’re beautiful inside and out. You’re beauty and kindness shines through and in our Bible studies you’re just so awesome and fun to talk to, I think you’re a great person and I hope you can come to see that someday

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I cut my Thorazine in half a few nights ago. Bad idea as my sleep suffered a lot. It’s frustrating though. I understand your pain. I keep wanting to come off Thorazine but it never works out

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird @LadyShadow I don’t think you’re fat or ugly at all, you’re beautiful inside and out. You’re beauty and kindness shines through and in our Bible studies you’re just so awesome and fun to talk to, I think you’re a great person and I hope you can come to see that someday Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Awww @Blue_Bird - you're so kind. I enjoy our Bible studies a lot too - I wish I didn't feel as bad about myself as I do - it's been a real struggle for me for many years. I am learning to feel better about myself though - trying to do things to improve my weight, and take care of myself overall.

I think it has been a really good day though, and I hope your day is going better as well. I hope you were able to get some rest.

I am having rapid mood swings. Angry then crying then back and forth. My friend is mad at me. I’m mad at him! Nobody understands. My meds are messed up. Trying to explain it to my psych case manager. Pnp still hasn’t come up with a solution for my meds! This is so frustrating!

Thank you for the hug @MuddyBoots and @LadyShadow ! You’re the only ones who seems to understand!

Is this the crash they talk about after mania?

I feel so alone!

Now my case manager says my pnp says “having emotions is life”! FML. I know what’s normal for me and this isn’t it!! Now I’m back to crying again.

Good morning everyone

Man Ive woken up super tired this morning. Can barely keep my eyes open here and I have to get dressed soon. Woke up usual time for during the week for me, so I’m not sure what’s up really. Just feeling exhaustion.

And it’s not a good day on my timetable on a Wednesday. I teach 5 classes which means the only break I get is a lunch break that is shorter than they used to be and I have to wolf down my salad after I’ve made it.

I start with a somewhat difficult class this morning but there’s assembly. I’m doubtful that the assembly will run for the whole period. Maybe just half a period. I’m glad I put this class in a seating plan. They’re not perfect in the seating plan and they did argue over the seating plan but they were a little better on Monday. I shall persevere!

The fidget cube thing for anxiety/focus came today. It seems to be helping a lot with focus and the textured part of it is good for grounding. Has a lot of cool stuff on it that’s very satisfying to play around with

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I slept until 7:53. I fell asleep at 11. Then I took a nap in the car and at one point I blurterd out "what are they doing?" And my mom said "who?" And I said "nevermind. I had a dream." Then I fell back.

Not sure who gete REM sleep anr blurts out nonsense in the middle of the day.

I feel like I'm getting a cold though.

We're going to hear about Taylor Swift forever.

What I just sent my case manager….

I think I was manic for over a month and now have crashed into depression. This happens for bipolar people but this is not normal for me. It is abnormal! Crying all afternoon is not me! What is normal is I’m bipolar and am usually in the middle. I reached out today because I’m desperate. I don’t think anybody there has seen me depressed. This is my attempt to get help.

Finally my clothes are done! This morning the washers were full! I managed to get my bedding in the last washer. Then I had to wait for a dryer to open up but was able to put my tops in the washer. Came up and made my bed. Now all I have to do is hang my tops. Since I folded them there’s no hurry. It’s 75 in here though it’s only 70 outside. But I don’t want to put the noisy AC on.

I called Mayo to schedule my emg but they wanted to schedule in Rochester. Rochester is terrible at any time but right now they’ve the streets all around Mayo dug up to expand. The tore down one of the parking ramps. It’s just a mess so I asked if I could go to one of the satellite clinics. They will get back to me. The neck therapy helped the upper arm numbness and pins and needles but my lower arm is still affected. They want to see if it’s my wrist or elbow. I’m so hoping I get to reschedule for a different area. Rochester is horrible to drive around.

My sister made this most delicious chocolate cake with cucumbers. I’ll pass it around, mmm.

Chocolate cake with cucumbers sound interesting! I've had chocolate cake with zucchini before!

Yes, like that but the recipe substituted cucumber for the zucchini. It was so rich and delicious.

@LadyShadow thank you so much for your prayers. That means the world!

Thanks @Blue_Bird. At my last pdoc appointment, he briefly brainstormed some other ideas we might be able to try. I have a bad reaction to a lot of meds so, between this and antidepressants being a no go, it's tough. I see him in a couple of weeks so, if I can't shake this, we'll see what he thinks then. I hope you are able to get some sleep tonight!

@LadyShadow

You're not fat and ugly. You're beautiful and quite passionate in your faith, and it may feel like it right now, but you won't be alone forever. I promise. I'm not good at giving advice regarding heart ache, since my husband is the first person I fell in love with and I've never really had any painful breakups. It was always me doing the breaking up.

But remember, this man abandoned you when you were extremely manic and at your worse. That's not good. You don't hold any resentment at all about that? I would (but maybe I'm just a bytch. I don't know). I guess I just think you need to move on. Cut ties. Stop waiting.

I was always told that you marry your best friend. Best friend's don't bail on you when you're at your worst. They build you up.

I hope you find a solution soon @June08 - I know how hard it can be to battle with meds till you find a solution. I will continue to pray for you.

@Blue_Bird - That little gizmo thing looks really cool! How does it work? I think I could play around with that thing for hours, lol.

@Nammu - that cake sounds really interesting! Never had a combination of cucumbers and chocolate before!

I am feeling better about things. Watching Alien:Earth with my best friend now., the new episode is tonight. I was bummed out watching Taylor Swift get engaged, some people are just too lucky, and some people get nothing in life, I am trying not to let it get me down though.

My friend that brought flowers for Mary's altar today at our Legion meeting let me go home with all the flowers. I have a dozen roses to put with my statues of Mary at home now. They are so beautiful, they make me feel so good. It will be a really nice thing to wake up to, I already gave it flower food, and am going to try to take care of them for as long as possible.

@raspberrytorte - I don't know how to cut ties, I love him, and it hurts. I am too weak to - I know what he did was wrong to me, but I still love him.

At least i have my roses : )

I hope everyone’s okay, but I know there’s a lot of suffering forum members.

My brother in law’s been staying with us since his hospital discharge. He’s practically catatonic. It’s challenging. He needs twenty-four hour supervision. It’s taking a toll on us.

I slept for only two hours last night. I’m tired of feeling tired. I’m going through a significant depressive episode. The psychiatrist increased the Risperdal. It may be helpful - idk. For the past few weeks, I’ve been feeling hopeless, defeated, and sad. I use coping skills, but it’s marginal at best.
I think the depression just has to run its course.

I’m sure the depression is more situational than biochemical. Maybe both. If the current obstacles improve, then so will some of the depression I’m sure.

Wishing everyone the very best.

Work was good today. I decided to help with this new student group that has a focus of students preparing presentations related to different mental health topics and then presenting to their peers. My main role is to just be another adult with the group since the counselor, who is running the group, would be alone otherwise.

I've had a lot of anxiety today-not sure why.

@Moose72 have you ever had a second opinion from a MD or DO pdoc? I know pnurses are well trained and many are very good at what they do but they do not have the education level of a pdoc. Sometimes even pdocs get ito situations where they are stuck. Before I went on clozapine we tried everything I'd never tried, was likely to tolerate and that had a ghost of a chance of working. My pdoc consulted the ECT doctor who recommended something else and also talked to another pdoc, the head pdoc for the huge hospital where I go. I think the idea was for me to see him but then they decided clozapine was my best bet after giving lithium one last chance. I think my pdoc wanted to be absolutely sure clozapine was needed and would be good for me. Happily I never had even the slightest change in my CBC in 9 years of monitoring and it does work.

When I was first diagnosed I was in a clinical trial for lamictal. I started seeing my pdoc immediately after the trial and have been with her since. I had a hard time tolerating lamictal without vomiting every day and so my pdoc reached out the the head of the study who was an expert on lamictal and the drugs I was combining it with after the trial.

If a 2nd opinion is possible it might be a good idea. Feeling stuck in a long episode is awful. You deserve an ending and back to stability.

It just sounds like another set of eyes and ears might be beneficial at this point.

But I’m at a CMH clinic. There are pdoc’s there but I don’t know which one supervises my pnp. The system is just a mess. I don’t know how to contact a Pdoc. Once, my old pnp went to ask her supervising Pdoc a med question while I was there, but that was 20 years ago! My current pnp has turned into a raging *****!

I fell asleep around 10 and I woke up at 2:30 coughing a lot

It feels like I punctured a lung or something. But my chest doesn't feel right.