Bipolar Check-In #93

I've put myself on 'ignore.'

I’m at a CMHC and I kept making my NPs feel stupid and ignorant until they said they couldn’t help me (a lot of “well, actually…” ‘s and “which outdated textbook did you learn that from?” ‘s because apparently I’m a better scientist than the worst NPs in the state), now I see the chief medical director of the place/the head honcho MD, and she’s been comparatively amazing.

I know someone else who fired their way to the top too and she actually got better!

Possible trigger:

Watching the news covering a terrible tragedy of a shooter opening fire during mass of young kids at a Catholic School in Minneapolis. Just so heartbreaking, praying for them this morning

Put my flowers on the windowsill this morning so they get the most sun. The world has changed so much, it feels sometimes that prayers aren't answered, but I continue to do so because my faith outweighs my doubt.

I hope everyone has a good day today. It will be a quiet one for me, just one work meeting at 4:30pm - but the rest of the day is mine, which I am so grateful for.

I deep cleaned my room this morning. I got stuff organized and the place dusted and swept and mopped. I cleaned off and then washed off my Oreo nightstand. I made my bed neatly. The closet is a mess but I'm just ignorning it for now. My mom is getting the prep stuff I need to drink and the antibiotics.

I feel ok right now. I worked out a lot early this morning which helped my anxiety

I signed up for a recovery meeting today. It's a resident's group run by the police department's social worker. I made a sea salt caramel coffee syrup too, so am trying that out. At first I couldn't taste it and added more, but now I think I put too much in.

Also going to try and go hiking Friday, my mom's letting me crash up there Thursday night and I figure when in the mountains, you go hiking--it's supposed to rain so hopefully it won't be too crowded on this touron weekend. I just hope my muscles have recovered because yesterday I went hard in upper body/core training at the gym (then walked a 15 pack of protein shakes I got for only $17 about .75miles home) and the day before I went hard doing lower body. Today I made sure to do a lot of walking to get the blood/lactic acid flowing.

Gonna get ready for group now. I'll let you know how it goes.

@LadyShadow , so it’s got like all kinds of buttons you can spin or click and textures and stuff like that. It’s good for fidgeting around with. Seems to help me focus and help my anxiety so I’m really glad I got it. It’s good for grounding myself and stress relief. Especially if I pair using it with one of my favorite shows. Ultimate relaxation plus enough stimulation from the fidget toy that I can actually focus on a show without starting and stopping it 20 times per episode because I get distracted by other things easily.

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Good afternoon. I’m just relaxing. Went to the pharmacy today and picked up my meds. I’m glad I switched pharmacies. It took me 30 min to get the bus get my meds and get back home. Normally at the other pharmacy it was a 1 1/2 hour trip at least including a lot of walking. So this is nice. It’s door to door. So the bus picks me up in front of my apartment, drops me off in front of the pharmacy. Then drops me back home in front of my apartment. It’s so much more convenient. Now I don’t have to dread going to the pharmacy all the time.

I slept well last night. Got around 9 hours. Helping my neighbor with some stuff later. Other than that not much planned. Just chilling, watching some anime, Naruto. Feel pretty good so far today.

I seem to have stopped thinking my meds are poisoning me. I haven’t had a panic attack or dissociation in two days. I seem to be doing well in the Lamictal.

Tomorrow I’m doing a grocery order and plan on getting some pumpkin spice creamer

Been working on some assignments in my watercolor class

Really happy with that fidget toy thing. Best $12 I spent recently.

I think if I can learn to cope with dissociation, accept it and not fight it it might make it more tolerable and less likely to induce panic. It might also help me to be able to function during it cause when it happens I end up non functional for the rest of the day and end up spaced out for hours on end unable to do anything

I really need to get a handle on it because I have that 8 week long Nami peer class starting in September and I don’t want to miss any of the classes. I want to complete it and get my certificate. I’m not gonna let dissociation ruin it for me or keep me from going. I refuse to let it control my life anymore.

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The group was good. Learned some things I need to practice coping ahead for next time they come around. We might do a movie day, too.

Psych np raised Vraylar to 6 and got labs so I spent the morning driving to the pharmacy and lab. Caleb says raising the Vraylar will be a disaster. He’s a pessimistic person! If this doesn’t work she wants to “trial cobenfy” but I already have kidney and liver issues so I.dont know that I agree with that.

Maybe they'll just put you on a low or even "subtherapeutic" dose to see if that helps without causing more damage to your kidneys/liver.

Good morning. I’m so glad it’s Thursday. Yesterday was rough teaching 5/5 classes. Today I only teach 3. Hooray I got this! I will do all my lesson planning for next week. My Year 9s are writing an essay on world war 1 which is easy and my year 7s will watch The Mummy because we are finished our unit on Ancient Egypt which will take 2 lessons so that’s sorted for me. And my Year 8s are finishing off Medieval Europe.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LadyShadow I hope you find a solution soon @June08 - I know how hard it can be to battle with meds till you find a solution. I will continue to pray for you. @Blue_Bird - That little gizmo thing looks really cool! How does it work? I think I could play around with that thing for hours, lol. @Nammu - that cake sounds really interesting! Never had a combination of cucumbers and chocolate before! I am feeling better about things. Watching Alien:Earth with my best friend now., the new episode is tonight. I was bummed out watching Taylor Swift get engaged, some people are just too lucky, and some people get nothing in life, I am trying not to let it get me down though. My friend that brought flowers for Mary's altar today at our Legion meeting let me go home with all the flowers. I have a dozen roses to put with my statues of Mary at home now. They are so beautiful, they make me feel so good. It will be a really nice thing to wake up to, I already gave it flower food, and am going to try to take care of them for as long as possible. @raspberrytorte - I don't know how to cut ties, I love him, and it hurts. I am too weak to - I know what he did was wrong to me, but I still love him. At least i have my roses : )

The roses are beautiful.

Had another wild school dream. This time I was an agent. Not sure why I was there but we were painting with peanut butter but it would turn to color on the canvas!

I need to go to the pharmacy too, but today is too humid. I’m waiting for tomorrow.

Went down. To play games. Had a wonderful time. The council meeting is Tuesday that should be interesting. The president is asking a lady to sit by me so I can protect her! Or maybe because I can help her breathe if she gets upset. It’s wild the stuff that gets said. I’m staying out of it but this kinda pulls me into it.

I took a decent nap this afternoon. The creepy neighbor is still gone so I can have my window open. No idea when she'll be back. But the cops told her to stay on her property and not bother us.

A few weeks ago my mom dropped me off in the driveway and she was just standing there stareing at me.

I have therapy tommorow and then nothing until next week.

I wish people would stfu and not fous on the shooter being trans instead of just a horrible person.

My pdoc and I sent in the paperwork for me to get Emsam through patient assistance last week. Insurance doesn't cover it and it's around $2200/month which obviously I cannot pay. It's also the only AD that ever really worked for me and I've been on it 16 years now. I've gotten it through patient assistance since 2012 and have had insurance since 2014. I was expecting it to go through easily like every other time.

Instead I got an email from my pdoc today that didn't make sense. Until I asked her and she sent me the denial letter that just says "denied. Insured". I did really well not panicking (because she'd given me a plan to deal with it and I know she'll fight for me) so I called the company and it turns out that they have a new computer system that auto-denies if there is a reason to deny. They are hand-reviewing it and I should hear in a day or two if it was approved. The person I spoke to sounded like it will go through so again, not panicking yet.

I don't know what happens if it's denied. I don't really want to be on an old MAOI but the MAOI works so well for me. The only ADs I've not been on are cymbalta and the one that is something like tritenellix and the other MAOIs. Changing nearly certainly would mean an IP stay and I've done so well with avoiding those. In February it will have been 10 years. Mostly though I just don't want the old MAOIs. The food restrictions are greater, at least one causes weight gain that I do not need and they have to be taken during the day. I'm doing pretty well at taking AM meds for the first time since I was working in 2011 but it's hard for me. Adding a mid-day dose would be a real challenge. I know lots of you take meds 3-4x/day anda I really admire you for it. It's just not something I've done well at in the past and I don't really know why.

I hope I don't have to worry about this. I'm trying very hard to stay calm. Like I said my pdoc will fight for me and the company was very willing to work with me. It's just hard to focus on the now and not the "what if?".

Another mostly good day at school. Students are getting a little more comfortable now that we're almost a month into the school year so some behavior stuff is starting to come up-just normal students testing the boundaries type stuff.

I had plans, but canceled them for my mental health because of how overwhelmed/anxious the thought of going made me. Not being able to go, and having another day of high anxiety and SI, led me to decide to message my pdoc and ask if I can try a higher dose of seroquel again. Hopefully, he'll see it before the holiday weekend (he doesn't work Fridays). But, if he doesn't, it's not the end of the world. I don't have enough pills to start trying this until next week anyway.

Worked ten hours today. Still behind. Ugh. I pray this gets better

I hate people see trans and think this way. They were just evil

The news was sad today and my heart goes out to all my American friends.

My morning was awful and i think this will be a new pattern. My day improved mid-afternoon and i saw eight hot-air balloons drift by, so romantic. I listened to local radio and felt more in-tune with the world. The dog park didn't go well this evening with several dogs getting in a fight. Their parents broke it up swiftly but i left hastily and will not join in anymore when there are other dogs there.

I feel fully switched-over to low mood now but i am enjoying relaxing and still laughed about how my young neighbor made fun of "The Old Man Get-Up," which he demonstrated from a sitting position by putting his hands firmly on his knees and rocking his weight over his feet and heaving his weight up. You have to see it, i guess, it's pretty funny.

I'm stressing out about everything from needing to take a shower to this reddit video of a bear who has rabies

I am trying to relax.

Is this Toby Keith special a rerun.

I was up at 3am - now it’s 4. Can’t sleep again. Breathing is okay thank goodness. I hope I can fall back to sleep. Lots on my mind. My wife takes her brother to his first psychiatric appointment since his d/c from hospital last week. He’s been living with us.

Yesterday was a good day. Slept 8 hours and mowed the backyard. I was hoping to sleep well last night, but here I am, wide awake.

I’m early to meet my peer support girl by half an hour. I got a coffee and they have free refills so I’ll get decaf next.

N3 doesn’t start tutoring physics until next week. He has to get the financial part settled first. He says there isn’t much schoolwork to do yet but in a few weeks it’ll probably go crazy. He’s a Junior now and I hear that when studies get serious.

N1 is waiting to hear if she got in to the same university N3 is at. I bet she gets in. She’s going for Language Arts. I think that’s what they call it.

So far the Vraylar 6 isn’t giving me any side effects! 😊

Ate something I knew I shouldn’t have around 4am feeling a little better now.

Just want this morning to be over with honestly. Too excited to go up north tonight. Guess I could do some cleaning in the rare event maintenance actually has three minutes to put up my curtain rod tonight or tomorrow (after I put in the request like two months ago).

Took a walk to the library waiting for them to open. They open in 5 minutes. Have some holds I need to pickup. It’s really nice out today. Slightly breezy, and 60 degrees and sunny. Glad we seem to be done with 90 degree weather for the year.

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I freak out I look bad weight wise but it could be worse

It won't let me post it. Blah