Bipolar Check-In #93

Shhh! Don’t jinx it!

Feeling so exhausted today

I know right , there always seems to be false autumn’s where it starts cooling off then it goes back to hot as hell lol hopefully it keeps getting cooler though

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Yeah, and false springs too where it goes up to like 60 in March for a week and then we get 3ft of snow that doesn’t completely melt until May! A lot of people in my building that have ACs are having maintenance take them out Saturday and the rest are being taken out Tuesday so for their sake (mine too I guess, I never paid the extra for an AC) hopefully it doesn’t get absurdly hot and humid the rest of the year.
Next summer I am sooo paying the extra for an AC though.

Often theres a white Halloween and a 60 degree Christmas.

I woke up feeling weird. I thought my therapists name was Frank. So I switched to tommorow. She said I can call her Frank. Lol

My stomach is fine but I've had a bit too much caffeine and it feels like the room is spinning. Not sure if this an issue

I've had too much that I feel like I'm dissociating a bit. I need to close my eyes for a bit.

I felt better and finally got in the shower. My yeast infection is back but I found some of the antibiotic stuff from the last time so I can avoid immediate care. My mom asked if I needed to go and I said no

Good morning. I woke up this morning for a full 2 minutes believing it was Saturday! Looked at the time and rolled over to go back to sleep only to suddenly click its Friday and I have work! What a rude awakening. I don’t feel like today but I think it will be okay on my timetable so that’s something I guess. Don’t have much to do in my spare periods because I’ve done all my planning for next week. I’ll probably just be on the forums or browsing facebook during my spare periods.

I’ve decided I want to take a mental health day but I’ll make it a Wednesday because I teach 5 classes on a Wednesday. It’s not fun.

I need to go get my hair dyed. Need to touch up these grey roots. Probably won’t go this weekend. Will likely go next weekend.

So I have a little over a month to learn programming. So I'm going to be doing hours of learning.For the month hopefully I get it down. I have to learn python and C#. I need to get $200 a week.

Omg, today was full of so many emotions. I was so bummed that I couldn't go to Mass today to see my Godmother's son, (who is a Dominican priest, the highest form of priests), do a sermon at a church 30 minutes away. He will be there tomorrow too, but I can't go because work is in the way. Work has been very lucrative lately, but it has gotten in the way of all the stuff I wanted to do like me and @Blue_Bird bible study today. But you know what, I am not complaining, things have been going very well and I am very thankful for that.

I did a very bad thing though. I went into Discord and went into some of the messages me and my guy had last year when he was so in love with me. I cried and cried. I really can't go looking at that stuff, I don't know why I willingly do things like that when they are so painful.

I am feeling better about things though. I have had a very emotional day, but I managed to take a nice long shower, watch some Xena, and play my PS2 that came Monday. I am so blessed and lucky to have all that I have. Oh, please pray for my mom and dad, they went to NYC, and I am always nervous when they go, especially on a crazy holiday weekend.

I didn't hear anything about my Emsam patient assistance today. If they emailed my pdoc I'm not sure she'd see it today as Thursdays are her day for non-clinical stuff. Yesterday's email went to her and I didn't get anything.

They said 24-48 hours yesterday. I am trying to decide if I should call tomorrow. If I do and they have a positive decision it will make the 3 day weekend better. If they don't have a decision or it is negative I'd have 3 days to keep worrying before I could contact my pdoc again. I'm not sure what to go with.

My liver and kidney blood labs came back abnormal- which has been the case for months- but that means I can’t take Cobenfy! My pnp had mentioned trying it. Oh well. Don’t need it to make things worse!

I had a good day. I walked to the library and got my requests. Haven’t dissociated or panicked in 3 days which has been a relief.

Put money on my bus card. ($30, and I have a half fare card due to limited income so my bus rides only take .65 cents per ride from it), plus I already had $5 left on it so I’ll have $35 on it now. so I should be set for quite awhile on that. I need it for my volunteer job which is far away, grocery shopping and just whenever I need to take the bus.

Resubscribed to the Calm app for meditation. I made this example flower pot for the flower pot craft class I’m facilitating tomorrow

Anyway, I feel good. I’m not having any problems on the lamictal and seem to be doing well on it. I decrease the trileptal again on Saturday. Then on the 12th at my next psychiatrist appointment I can stop it completely.

I have that 8 week NAMI peer to peer class starting on September 9th. So that should be fun.

Just enjoying the evening watching Naruto




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I heard back from my pdoc. He said I can bump up my seroquel to 37.5 mg and if that doesn't work then bump it up to 50 mg. My brain is a funny thing-my mood was a little better today, so it's tempting to not increase the dose because I don't like changing my meds. But, I know I could benefit from a dose change so there is no reason to resist. If anything, I need it even more because part of me wondered if my mood is switching to mixed. I just have to decide when to start the dose increase.

My caffeine addiction is getting out of hand. It's such a simple way to get a dopamine hit that my brain is craving thanks to the depression, but it can also trigger manic symptoms I'm putting myself in a bad spot. The problem is it also helps with my chronic fatigue.

I have this tight feeling in my stomach and I think its just anxiety.
Not sure how to deal with the ng tube next week. I had this incident in 2007 when I wouldn't take my antibiotic ans I ended umm in a regular hospital and they tried putting a tube in me because I wouldnt take my meds. But I freaked out the second it started going in and then I took meds.

I was really truamazied by that whole expierence.

I know this is a way different situation. But I'm still freaked out.

As a musician instead of learning C# you could learn Db instead if that’s easier for your mind jk, but I know you can do it. You’re a smart one and a quick learner.

Not feeling as bad as I thought - I need to distract myself with things. Excited to play with some of my old games. My Tombraider Legend game was stuck on loading, so I don't know if something is wrong with the system or something is wrong with the game itself. The Lego Star Wars game works pretty good so that other game might just be defective.

I am learning to do things for myself and enjoy my time. Things don't have to be so hard and dramatic, it's how I am making things - way worse than they actually are. He does call me when he can and we spend hours talking and spending time. He could have just left me forever. Life is more than just waiting around and crying all day - I don't want to spend my life like that at all,

As far as the mania this year, it's in the past. It's over. No one will pay as much attention to it as i might. Save for the propositioning and harassing R it was all forgettable. And R has forgiven me. He won't forget and i ruined my chance with him. I did the best i could. It wasn't very good. I accept that.

The seasons are changing here. It's nice that my change from mania to depression is coinciding with the change from Summer to Autumn. One of the uncharacteristic things i did while manic was get a shellac mani-pedi. The mani wore off a while ago but the pedi has been hanging on. Today i got it removed.

So that one last remnant of mania is gone. There's nothing to be done about the tattoos so i'll just have to bear them. At least i didn't get neck or face tattoos. It's just the one on my hand that is obtrusive and that one just says, "FAMILY IS ALL." Nothing controversial.

Not looking forward to the future but it's not my choice to live. There's nothing i can do about it. I'll keep going thru the motions and one day it will be over, hopefully sooner than later. I'm 59 now so it might not be too long. I look forward to my own death.

Tonight was one of the best nights I have had in a long time. Got a lot of answers about the questions and doubts I have been having. Things may be slow, but they are still positive. I have to remind myself of nights like this when I spiral out of control.

Not too bad of a day at work today. Classes were alright. I have to hang around work for another half hour but I consider my weekend as officially having started. Yeehaa!

Today (yesterday but I'm still adjusting to my klonopin change so I'm awake and about to take a PRN gabapentin) was a quiet day. I really needed one because I had a dental crown Monday, therapy/shopping Tuesday, a trip to my mom's doctor and then after a lot of waiting and trip to Sam's Club. So i was on overload. The most I did today I think was take a shower. Which is fine. Sometimes days like this happen.

Still anxious about my Emsam.

What dId your endoscopy show?

This week has been nuts. Working hours after I’m supposed to be off. Constantly behind despite working hard.

Appreciate y’all’s therapists bc it’s hard. I’m salary so I have to work late

Good morning, didn’t sleep great. Mustachio harassed me until I woke up this morning at 6am. She had been bothering me since like 4am. I love her but damn. She’s like biting my fingers and licking/biting my nose and walking all over me and doesn’t stop till I get up.

I took a 10 min walk outside. It’s rainy out. Love this type of weather. Getting on the treadmill later for 30 min. I have that craft class I’m facilitating later today @2pm.
I need to vacuum and mop at some point today too. I just feel like sleeping though. I didn’t sleep well at all last night. Hopefully tomorrow I can sleep in. I did around an hour of meditation this morning.

Listening to music right now. Hate Me by Ellie Goulding and Juice WRLD

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My moods and anxiety have been ok today. I'm kind of anxious righr now. I had therapy and Crookshanks opened the door and then I felt self consious that other people could hear me.

I slept decently and I got my workout in. Its going to suck not doing basically anthing for 7 weeks. I've really built up a routine with my work outs.

I am kinda worried about post op depression. I keep thinking of the song Wake Me Up When September Ends

I had to stop taking my iron and I also have to stop taking melatonin. She said to use Benadryl. Idk why I've to stop taking this stuff a week before the surgery.

@Mountaindewed my endoscopy showed inflammation throughout my stomach. Nobody has told me if they can do anything to calm it. I see the GI 9/11.

My Emsam was approved! There will be more steps to go through from now on but I still can take it.