[mayonnaise_quilt]

I cannot hold a job. I've had 10 in five years. Because of this, obviously I cannot afford to live, let alone seek treatment. I am about to be evicted.. rent was due a week ago and I have absolutely no money. Electricity due to be disconnected tomorrow.

Most times I feel like it is selfish for me to continue living. I feel like nothing but a resource-sucking space-occupier. I was once full of passion, but for years now, mostly pain and confusion. I am with a man who is my best friend, who loves me in a way most people are envious of.... yet I cause him more pain than anything else. He wants to see me smile, I cry. He wishes I would find peace, I talk of death. He was laid off two months ago and has been trying so very hard... to find full-time work... to keep me from fading away...

I do not have myself. Do I even want myself? It's becoming so increasingly difficult to even express my own thoughts with any sort of consistency I think, why even bother with treatment? My reason for wanting so badly to depart isn't just to take the age-old "easy way out", it's more to free everyone else around me. The ones who love me, who I have let down by not getting better, for losing even the desire to do such. I know they would get used to me being gone, after all.. that is what they say when someone dies... "life goes on".

This is so hard and I do not see any solution. It isn't the duty of any other human being to care for me or fix my life... even the idea of social security makes me feel queasy sometimes. I have an independant spirit but also a broken one that cannot seem to make things happen for herself.

I get so angry that it is painful. Despair and sadness even trigger anger. I have no outlet anymore. My coping mechanisms were mostly eccentric. self-mutilation, drugs and alcohol. Excessively. I did have a horse once... I rode dressage and it was my passion. I walked away from that too.

My intelligence has never been a subject of debate, yet I never graduated high school. I am 24 and cannot drive a car. Hell, even if I could, what would I drive and how would I get it?

I have never posted anything on these boards.. I'm nervous and I don't know why. I've always been a passive reader, hoping for a similar plight or issue or whatever to read upon and take advice from. Silly scared %#@&#!. I've always been scared of things... I'm borderline agoraphobic at this point... If one more person makes me walk into a grocery store full of people I might just turn around and run into traffic.

I really don't expect anyone to read this or give a rat's ***. I just needed to get some things out I guess....
I'm almost hoping that no one gives feedback, or atleast it isn't harsh if they do.

I have been struggling with myself for a long time. This 'illness' took hold of me very young, before I was even able to accomplish a mere high school diploma. It's ripped through my life and left me tattered and bruised. I'm watching my world crumble.

I wish the clouds would break.

[RelientK]

I've never met you, but I care. While we all have different degrees of suffering, I think most people here can relate to you. Posting here can be beneficial.

Idea#1 Get a support group. You can't do this alone. Family, Friends, Community Groups - even AA. You also mention the man in your life. Open up to someone close to you and express to them that you'd like to get better. Believe me, you absolutely can get better. Sometimes it takes some switching of meds, but eventually you can get it right.

Idea#2 Once you start feeling a little better, set small goals for yourself...such as study for GED...then take GED...

You can volunteer for a time instead of work. That will do positive work on your self esteem.

These are just my thoughts. I do sincerely hope you find a path that works for you.

[trippinmickey]

You are still fighting it .You need to give in and get help ! Your story is alot like mine alot like alot I know .At one point i lost every thing cars house wife and kids the gov. removed me from my own house .But I got help and slow very slow things got better .Yes I got on SSD it allow me money I need to live well i was in treatment And so should you ! Its yours you paid into it .Look at it as a insur. plan you bought because that what it is . Thats why they take money out of your check every week.The hardest thing to do is to give and get help to face the fact that you are sick and its not your fault it just happens like any other illness .Most people cant get pass that point it took me years of pain and mistakes like lossing job after job ect. But you are not alone there are alot of people just like you and things can get better ! I

[mydarlin]

I have been where you are...there were days that were so black that i couldn't bring myself to get out of bed. I thought why should I be part of this world. But my wonderful husband reminded me that I had a family that cared about me and my pets cared about me. I don't know if you have children but that was also a motivator for me to get help. Go to a therapist, or pdoc. They won't bite you and after a couple of sessions you may find that you are starting to feel a bit better.
Also, see about taking meds....the right combo can also help bring you out of the funk. It won't keep it away but it will prevent the downward sprial we all experience.

[Cthomas]

Things are hard for us. heck its harder for us than other people. but you cant give up. you MUST care about you because you posted. thats a good sign. I hope this finds you in a better state of mind. and know that I am always available to talk.

My private email is colleenthomas819@yahoo.com - and it goes directly to my blackberry. im not always on the boards, but i always care. ive been there - done that. things do get better. maybe we can help you sort through your troubles. when you share youre burden it lets somebody else carry half the weight.

Waiting for my turn to hold some.......

Colleen

[shaggy76]

oh my goodness i hope that you come back to us. i'm going through pretty much, close enough to what you are going through right now.like so many times before.i've been on this site for a week now and it's helped my clouds seperate. yes it's all overwhelming but there is help and support out there. no shame to be who you are .and we are all friends here. supportive and understanding. my heart does go out to you and i hope that you can see that just others don't think that you are worth it, that only you can take care of yourself and that you have an impact on someone out there. so you are not useless. what you live through, you teach someone else whether you realize it yourself.you just empacted me so there you go.hope you feel better soon. a big hug for you and pat yourself on the back for the courage to post here, you're never alone. i suppose i can go ponder on that advice for myself too. SEE!!!!! when you reach out, you give out.

[lowmel]

I have asked my self the same question as i am afraid to medicate and don't want to become a zombie but i also know i need to get control of it. I lost my two sons and 2 failed marriages and i am only 28 now. I have family but they use my disorder to control me i hate them for that. I struggle with it and have illusions and really hallucations getting scared

[rfcsruth]

Just as an FYI....I've never felt like a zombie on my meds. They make me feel better when I take them like I should.

jackie

[perniciousfirefly]

Hiya, I am 26 and what you have said is like you are inside my mind. I have a 2 year old girl but I still feel depserate like I cant cope, and have just had to move back to my parents due to many things. Does everyday feel like you are battling your mind? You have to keep going, you just need the right treatment and support by the sounds of it. I have had clinical depression diagnosis, but now know that I must be bipolar, got to get help because I am scared of what I do next. We need the right medications that what I hope? !! otherwise there is no hope

good luck stay strong