[Hopes]

This is kind of long but I don't know what I am dealing with here. I cheated on my husband 1 time about 5 yrs. ago. I know I am not a cheater never have been never want to again ( yes I was in a depressed/bipolar/ocd state of mind and no I am not blaming the illnesses but at that time I only knew for sure I had OCD and although I now know it was bipolar as well I wasn't diagnosed then.) I told my husband and he (thank God) forgave me but told me he didn't want any extra "details" so I only told him what he asked me. Throughout the years because of my ocd, bipolar etc. I keep trying to "confess" different things because I feel so guilty and sad cause I realized how much I hurt him. He has told me he doesn't want to hear anymore period! So I keep my mouth shut now I just talk to my Therapist and friends. My problem is with the obsessing....I know I never loved this other person and have come to realize he had been manipulating me ( I was depressed and such and he knew I was married) That isn't my point. Somewhere in my mind (I wasn't focused mind you) I knew this other guy never intended to stay with me and he (the other guy) was the one who actually suggested I go talk with my husband about what ever issues we were having (but of course he didn't want me to mention any of the cheating stuff to my husband but I did anyway!) My problem is I KNOW I truly love my husband with all my heart and would NEVER do that again! If this "other guy" hadn't suggested me talk to my hubby, would I have went off with this other guy, if this other guy gave me the chance to, even though I didn't love him but I didn't realize it then?(Because he was playing on my feelings). And I obsess constantly and worry about this. I realized a little later on from this "incident" I always loved my husband and would do anything for him and my kids. But this whole obsession (the story I told above) is brand new after almost 5 years. I never recall having it before and my husband obviously doesn't want to hear it anymore. Because of my illnesses I keep thinking every "obsession" is real cause I feel so bad about it! Any suggestions? Also I did back then talk to my husband to see if he wanted to divorce me and this was a short bit after the "other guy" was gone. Also I must add I wasn't even around "the other guy" much at all it wasn't like it was along affair or anything it was like a 2 week period and we didn't talk all the time. I also know for sure the "cheating thing" would never have happened had the "other G" not kept persuing me in the 1st place. I know I would Not ever have persued him sick or not! I am sorry if this is not understandable but if you can understand what I wrote what do you think? I suppose my basic question is this......."If this "other guy" hadn't suggested me talk to my hubby, would I have went off with this other guy, if this other guy gave me the chance to, even though I didn't love him but I didn't realize it then?"

[bizi]

What you have not done is forgiven yourself.
You are obcessing and somehow need to drop it.
If you were hypomanic and took some risk taking actions then this helps to explain your behavior.
Your husband has forgiven you...you need to forgive yourself so your relationship can grow.
bizi

I think you will need to talk to your T about how to stop obsessing about this. I know about obsessing!! I have been "punishing" myself for past sins/behaviors I did while manic or irrational or extremely emotional & hurt.

Your thinking needs to be retrained as you are focused on the past. Look at your present. You have a lovely husband who is committed to you & loves you. Accept his love. Bask in it & let yourself relax. You deserve to be loved, but I think you don't think so. That's where the therapist can help sort things out.

You aren't living in the "present" at all. I'm speaking from experience & just learning all this myself. I'm either thinking about all the negative stuff from the past or worrying about what negative things will happen in the future (of which I am sure I will no doubt be the cause of).

At this moment--right now--how is life? Does your husband glance at you with love? Are you planning a nice dinner or going out? Is it sunny & bright or rainy & just inviting you in for a good read (like it is here)? Is any trauma happening RIGHT NOW?

Are your creating chaos & turmoil because that is what you grew up with & in a weird way it feels familiar to be in an high-alert state always? I was (still working on this, definitely) myself miserable with all the negative thinking/projecting--never relaxing in the moment or believing that it could be true that my husband did love me (been married 34 years--do you think it will last?) or could forgive me & love me despite my overdoses, over reacting to things, self-pity & blaming him, etc.

You know what, despite all my flaws & problems, I am a fighter (hmm, me & Hillary?) & I WILL overcome my dysfunctional coping techniques through medication, therapy & a lot of hard work on my part. I will & you can, too.--Suzy Forgive yourself. Move on to accepting your husband's love.

[Hopes]

Thank you for all your kind words. My problem is what you said but at the same time it is just not "me" to do things like that so that is what scares me.

[Jazz91]

mistakes happen and some guys can be really persuasive when they want something they stop at nothing i had a similar situation with a guy who is 22 who was older then me and had a girlfriend who was pregnant i was single and didnt want him to leave her.

i stopped as i felt bad being only 16 years old i felt i needed 2 stop the affair. so i started to date a guy who i knew would give me a steady relationship

unfortunately i got more then i bargained for as he got me pregnant and he kept manipulating me and getting his way i felt terrible so i left the guy it was not fair on him.

anyway i miscarried then the guy told me he was using me and that is when i went off the rails i slowly forgave myself but it was the biggest mistake of my life and i had to deal with it alone.

your situation is working in your favour as you have someone to talk to and he is willing to help you get through it you just need to be as open and honest as you can when you find somone who love you that much you stand bye them as they turn out to be the best thing in your life.

[ehrhar]

I cheated on my first husband during a hypomanic episode. I never told him about it even after we divorced I never mentioned it. I felt so ashamed just as I feel ashamed about most things I do during hypomanic and manic episodes. I basically came to terms with the situation through therapy sessions. There is a post concerning forgiving yourself and not living in the past. Those are important points. There is a point in therapy when you stop talking about things that happened years ago and you start talking about the previous week or month of activities. It feels more productive as though one is making progress with the therapist. But it can take years to get to that level. If at all possible I would suggest that you seek therapy for what you find to be a compelling issue. Try not to let it over rule the positive qualities with your husband. I hope you find comfort in the advice offered in this forum. It's all good.