[ConfusedOne]

I feel so lost now life has no meaning. I pray each night that I don't wake in the morning but, I do. I am tired of going nowhere. I had decided I would end it all when I ran out of my savings, then in 2007 I got my disability. The pdoc in 2007 told me I was bipolar only because I responded to Lamictal and for the first time in 10 years I was not depressed. That lasted 2 months then the rash began. I plunged back into depression and there I have lived. I'm no longer seeing a pdoc or tdoc. I got my medical in January and tried a new clinic. The first thing they did was send me for blood test to see where I was at time. I was not a diabetic then. They put me on lithium and trazodone at first. I started shaking. Next they tried remeron. I had a physical in March and had more blood work done and was informed I was a diabetic. The remeron increases your appetite so you eat everything that is not nailed down. I found myself craving chocolate. I hadn't eaten any real candy in years only sugar-free stuff, now I was going out at 8pm looking for Rollo. Needless to say I was beating myself up for buying and eating real chocolate. I finally found out through one of my support online groups it was the remeron so I stopped all psych meds and not going back. I have been on so many psych drugs in the last the last 5 years. It is always let's try this or that now I know why it is called a practice. I had to make a decision whether I would die by my own hands or some complications of diabetes or some other ailment caused my psych drugs.
My depression is really bad now. The pit just keeps getting deeper and deeper. I have my way out planned.
I joined the Senior Center to try to find something to do with my days. Just to get out of the house a couple of times a week. Most classes cost $30 to $40 a class but I signed up for 2. They start next month. I hope this helps some. I am really at the end of my rope. <font color="blue"> </font>

[Schatje]

I'm so sorry you are going through this, but please know that you are not alone. I'm here and plenty of others on this board are here and understand too.

Lamictal is my wonder drug and I'm terrified to be taken off of it. I keep getting little rashes constantly and was sent to a dermatologist. I knew it wasn't Steven Johnson's, but I was still afraid that they would take it away.

I hope you find it in you to try the med route again even though the road to finding the right med is difficult and often treacherous. You deserve some help. If you start thinking of doing what you are implying you are thinking about you need to get to an ER ASAP. You may not believe it, but your life is just as valuable as anyone else’s.

[jmariah001]

I agree with what schatje said if you think you might hurt your self then go to the ER. I've been where you are and I've gone to the ER and believe it or not it did help. I got a crisis appointment for the next day and it helped me a great deal. Don't give up. Your among friends here.

[skeeweeaka]

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ConfusedOne said:
I feel so lost now life has no meaning. I pray each night that I don't wake in the morning but, I do. I am tired of going nowhere. I had decided I would end it all when I ran out of my savings, then in 2007 I got my disability. The pdoc in 2007 told me I was bipolar only because I responded to Lamictal and for the first time in 10 years I was not depressed. That lasted 2 months then the rash began. I plunged back into depression and there I have lived. I'm no longer seeing a pdoc or tdoc. I got my medical in January and tried a new clinic. The first thing they did was send me for blood test to see where I was at time. I was not a diabetic then. They put me on lithium and trazodone at first. I started shaking. Next they tried remeron. I had a physical in March and had more blood work done and was informed I was a diabetic. The remeron increases your appetite so you eat everything that is not nailed down. I found myself craving chocolate. I hadn't eaten any real candy in years only sugar-free stuff, now I was going out at 8pm looking for Rollo. Needless to say I was beating myself up for buying and eating real chocolate. I finally found out through one of my support online groups it was the remeron so I stopped all psych meds and not going back. I have been on so many psych drugs in the last the last 5 years. It is always let's try this or that now I know why it is called a practice. I had to make a decision whether I would die by my own hands or some complications of diabetes or some other ailment caused my psych drugs.
My depression is really bad now. The pit just keeps getting deeper and deeper. I have my way out planned.
I joined the Senior Center to try to find something to do with my days. Just to get out of the house a couple of times a week. Most classes cost $30 to $40 a class but I signed up for 2. They start next month. I hope this helps some. I am really at the end of my rope. <font color="blue"> </font>

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Hello Confused One...

I feel the same way you do... Most nights I hope that I don't wake up the next day because things are so difficult and don't seem to be getting better. I have tried most meds out there and am considered medication resistant... That said, I keep hoping something will come along and that things will change....

Happy to hear that you are getting out and taking some classes...it is important to stay as active as you possibly can...

TJ