[dueNorth]

I always hope for a good day, but it seems it is just not going to happen any time soon. Thought that maybe just maybe today would be it. But no....

I had expected a problem with my son, that I was preparing for and was hoping for the best on that score. So I decided I was in need of a walk and I was only gone for maybe an hour. Good to his word, he had started, though not finished cleaning what he was supposed to do. I walk in to the kitchen and notice smoke and the smell of burning rubber.

Well he had over filled the washing machine with cloths, and there it was just burning the drive belt. Basement was completely engulfed in smoke to the point it was hard to breath. Then the panic had set in, full force no quarter asked not given so to speak. Felt like I was having a heart attack. I turned off the washer and made sure there was not a fire fire.

I didn't know what I wanted to do about it, I told him what he did and that it was a good thing I came home when I did. Because he was completely unaware or cared. Then he starting yelling and screaming at me for the fire extingisher. Swearing and all the rest, every time he opened his mouth it was like a sledge hammer hitting me.

No I feel that I can not leave the house at all if he is home. I know by him being here, is no longer helping my mental health at all. He is effecting me to the point of why even try to clean anything, cause he is going to just come along and make sure it is just a friggen mess.

I am completely torn about it him being here now. One more thing he has busted or broken so he can not be asked to do any thing. I feel if he stays things are going to get worse, and if I tell him it's time for him to leave I will go into a deeper depression and or panic then I am now.

I am really having issues on dealing with a lot of things, I just want to lock myself in a room or something and just not be here no more, or any where. And I am terrified that some doc is going to determine I need to be in the hospital a couple of days if not longer. Then I know the animals will starve because my son will not feed or water them, or let the dog out to do her business, or let her in afterwards. And everything will be broken and or destroyed cause he was 'bored' and just looking.

I feel like a complete failure as a father and a human being in every sense of the word right now. I want to scream.... but can't, i want to cry..... but can't.

[j.p555]

Hmm first of all how old is he? Now, i know a lot about kids! Im 13 myself and if they keep messing up like this they need disapline! im sorry but that was a huge accident with the smoke! I do baby sitting so i know how you feel. For starts take away privillages if hes bad! Like no computer, phone tv ect. That makes a lot of kids think if they should stop if they want these things back! Now he might say he doesnt care if you do this but trust me he does secretly. Also try not to yell. That just makes things worse. So take away privilleges and have long serious talks with him! Hope this helps good luck

[cantstopcrying]

dueNorth, you are not a failure!! You aren't. If your son is old enough to stay home and do laundry, he's old enough to know that he can manipulate you into feeling responsible for his actions. If he was in the house, there is no reason he couldn't have smelled or seen the smoke--it sounds like just not caring and/or respecting. If he's old enough and he has a job, then he needs to help pay to repair the washer. I'm so sorry he's putting you through that. Kids sure know the buttons to push!!

[Schatje]

You are not a failure. This sort of thing would drive ANYONE nuts. Trust me you are not alone when it comes to kids destroying things and feeling like there is no point in even putting forth any effort anymore. The beauty of kids is that sooner or later they leave the roost and then you can enjoy them more because you don't have to worry about what they are going to mess up in your home next. Can you tell I spend all my time cleaning up messes my kids make and arguing with them over things there shouldn't be any argument over???? Seriously, I know a couple who are having troubles just like you. She has ended up having to stay home to watch him because they can't leave him alone. These people don't have our issues, but are still losing it. I hope things get easier for you, but please stop feeling like a failure as a parent because you are not.

[dueNorth]

Thanks all for the words of under standing. I have had this growing feeling and the inability to deal with even the simplest things as of late. A lot of times it is making me feel sick to my stomach, because though I try things seem to be getting worse and worse. On of the 'harder you fight the quick sand, the faster you sink' things, guess the best way I can explain or describe the feeling.

I just want to dig a hole, crawl in and pull the dirt over me, so I can hide for at least a little while. No not talking about killing myself or any thing like that. Though having said that too, I don't think it would bother me to much, not that I don't want some thing like that to happen. I'm going in circles again chasing my tail if I had one.

Last night was the first night, that the possibility or the possibility of the need to be in a hospital started to sound like perhaps the only solution. That in it's self out right terrifies me to the core, that it makes me fight all that much more, only to feel myself sinking further and faster.

But I have my pets to think about, and what little I have left in belongings not to mention my home. If I am not here, then they will consider it abandoned and I will lose everything (the home is already in foreclosure proceedings), electricity due to be shut off by the 15, haven't had gas for hot water for 2 months or more, yada yada .

Sorry rambling, didn't meant to but perhaps need to.

[cantstopcrying]

Ramble away--it helps when not much else seems to. You're from Michigan, right? Noting the "eh?" in one of your post it sounds like you're from the UP? Was just wondering what VA you utilized, as most of them are understaffed and unable to appropriately help. However, it was a smaller one, they sometimes have better facilities and staff, hopefully you can contact someone who can help you through this without having to be hospitalized if that is something that really scares you. Has your son even expressed any remorse over the washing machine yet?

[dueNorth]

Yes on both counts, I live in the UP in Michigan, about as far north as you can go with out hitting canada on the east side of the state. The VA clinic I go to is small, the staff seem good to me, but I do not have anything else to compare it to. The my doc is trying hard so that I do not have to go to a hospital.

Yes he did, after all the yelling. He always does, but it never seems to solve anything on his end. He never seems to change, else it is so slow that I do not notice. One the one hand I know it is not doing my mental heath any good with him being here, on the other having him move will not either.