[Moose72]

I just can't take feeling so sleepy on the risperdol. Its been over 2 weeks now and I still feel like the worst I did when early pregnant- and anybody who has had kids, that's ZONKERED! I'd rather hear the voices. They don't say much. Music is calming. I can't really sleep but I will eventually. I can't face another drug to add to my list. I'm already on 12 scripts as it is for various things. I'm supposed to have made a choice and "nothing" was on that list.... but she said she didn't recommend it. I'd rather hear the voices. I went all day to class. All of them- well, kind of. It was entertaining! I learned what I didn't know and while that felt bad, overall my day was good. Why does my brain deserve to be messed with? I think these meds are CAUSING my problems not solving any and they want to add MORE?? I think its a scam. An expensive one, too- thank God I have insurance.

[Moose72]

Well, I've been awake now all night and it is 3:30 a.m. at the moment. So I broke down and took a trazadone. I never do that and I have lots of them because they add the sleep to the MORNING not evening so yeah I will miss class and have crazy dreams in the meantime. *sigh* but now I feel sleepy and not so fidgity and hyped up like before.

[BlueFaith]

((( Moose ))) I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with the meds right now. It's tricky to find the right balance of the right things. I hope you were able to get some sleep... some real rest.

[Moose72]

I did sleep. The trazadone worked. BUT, it did what I said it would- crazy long dreams and woke up just now. So yeah- 1:30 p.m. Meanwhile, my boyfriend tried to get ahold of me and when he finally did, he was mad. He said he was worried I'd killed myself and then was mad that when I told him what happened that I hadn't gone to school all day.
What am I supposed to do?! I have never given him worry over killing myself. Never said I would, never had ANY issues about it. I can see how not hearing from me would upset him... The school issue is a problem that's ongoing but would you think "just stay up and go with no sleep" or have taken the trazadone?? It's so hard. Anyway, again, I should feel upset and somewhere in there I do, but no emotions happening here.

[ThePainNeverDies]

Awww.. I'm sorry this has had to happen to you.. It happens to me too, sometimes.. Ask your boyfriend that same question-sleep and miss some of school, or no sleep and not be able to do any work anyway?

Maybe talking to your doctor about this could help, but then again, it might be that you need to give these meds a bit more time to reduce with the effect. I think talking to your doctor about it could help

Take care and I hope it starts to ease off soon

[Moose72]

He is now talking about breaking up with me because I can't just "get up and do what needs doing anyway". After 3 years.

I have no idea what to do. I took a shower and felt better for a few. Where do I go from here?

[Moose72]

Tried writing an email to my pdoc but the email isn't correct on her business card!

[Moose72]

I left a message for my pdoc to call me. The emails kept bouncing. Here's what the email said:

I need some help. I am writing because I can't bring myself to use the phone. I feel confused and sad. Listening to music to soothe me and a shower work only minimally or shortly. I didn't get to sleep until after 4 a.m. this morning because I just could NOT. It took me until then to decide trazadone was really the only option. I never take it because it makes me sleep a LONG time. So it was a last resort instead of staying up even longer. I ended up sleeping until 2 p.m. and my boyfriend couldn't get ahold of me and now he is talking about breaking up with me because "I can't get up and do what needs doing". I just sit here with music on feeling the same, except very depressed. Just keep crying. I don't think anybody has seen me this way in the office ever over the years. I hate my meds and I have been researching the choices you gave me and one moment I decide and the next I can't. My head hurts so much.

[Moose72]

Not again...

I had a good evening. I got up and after my shower, went out and got myself some lunch. That made me feel lots better. Right after that, my pdoc called me back. She said to I helped the kids get their costume makup on. Took pre-trick-or-treating pictures. BF called and said he was running about half an hour late and to start without him and he'd call when he got close. That's what we did. Ended up doing Round One with my two youngest. Then my sister's husband showed up with their twin sons so we started with them and all my 3 for Round Two. Shortly into that, BF called and met us. He had bought a new 10 megapixel camera and took pictures, too. He was happy and we hugged and kissed. We were out for a good 2 hours altogether. Round 3 started after we'd stopped back to our place to drop off candy so they could fit more. lol Was going to be me and my 3 and BF, but then the twins caught up with us a few houses down. The kids were thrilled to go from house to house. BF even had the guy handing out candy at a house throw him a "piece for a tired dad". THAT was weird! My youngest said "this is the best halloween ever!" When we finally got back because the kids were tired, my mom had ordered pizza so we just sat down to a hot dinner right away.

I titled this one "not again" because I took my trazadone early like pdoc suggested. This was at 10. Now it is nearly 1. WTH?!?!?! GRRR.....

[Schatje]

I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time with your meds. Do you think it might be time for a long talk about adjusting, cutting, or trying different meds with your pdoc to find a different combo that works, but has fewer side effects. It would be tricky and might take a while, but you could end up better for it.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Schatje

I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time with your meds. Do you think it might be time for a long talk about adjusting, cutting, or trying different meds with your pdoc to find a different combo that works, but has fewer side effects. It would be tricky and might take a while, but you could end up better for it.

I have talked with her on Monday about this. She gave me choices. She said they were in no particular order, but circled all of them except 3 and 6 as what she thinks will work best.

Any feedback would be appreciated. After the list, I put my comments and thoughts. TIA!

#1 Increase Depakote

#2 Add Lithium

#3 No Change

#4 Replace Risperdal with Geodon (Abilify is out because I had non-stop movement from it- forget the name.)

#5 Take Risperdal earlier in evening.

#6 Decrease dose of Risperdal until menses then increase again.

The Depakote isn't keeping the voices away very well at all. Even taking the med every day on time, I still have heard them several times the last month. (See old posts.) Then again, Depakote makes me gain a lot of weight.

Never tried lithium. Worried I will have a hard time adjusting to it in terms of brain function, ability to read and comprehend, and pay attention in school.

She says no change is a bad idea considering I was psychotic, delusional, and paranoid a few weeks ago when I saw her.

Could try Geodon- never know.

Have tried the Risperdal at the same time so far and NOT doubled it as she suggested later, because I've added Trazadone around 10 p.m. (Sort of a #7.)

It was around the time of my lasts period that things got their worst- the week before. Well, then there was yesterday, too, which its now only a couple weeks later, so another week?

I feel okay today. Slept until 8:30 or so this morning. Nice bright, sunny day. Been out for a long walk with the kids and out and about, too. Bought some VHS tapes for $1 each- cool old stuff.

[Schatje]

I hated Geodon because I ended up unable to move until the stuff left my system. I seriously felt like my limbs and head weighed 500 lbs each. I was also really out of it. It was really bad for me. I took Lithium Carbonate and Litium Citrate. On one of them I was sent into an episode and on the other I got the hives, but I felt really good and never had any trouble in terms of brain function. I would entertain dropping the Trazadone and doubling the Risperdal or trying the Lithium or trying the Geodon. It doesn't sound like the Depakote would work very well for you. Good luck with this.

[Moose72]

Thanks. Right now I'm on 1000 of Depakote a day. Been that way for a while now. That's why the choice says to increase it. But as I'm never at a theraputic level no matter HOW much I take, that's why we're looking into Lithium.

Thanks for the heads-up on the Geodon, too.

[Slothrop]

The only problem I've had with lithium has been hand tremor...not horrible, but there. I haven't found it affecting my concentration. I've only taken it as high as 900 mg/day, though, which is lower than some people go.

[bexter]

Originally Posted by Moose72

#1 Increase Depakote

#2 Add Lithium

#3 No Change

#4 Replace Risperdal with Geodon (Abilify is out because I had non-stop movement from it- forget the name.)

#5 Take Risperdal earlier in evening.

#6 Decrease dose of Risperdal until menses then increase again

Interesting how all six choices involve either an increase in medication (#1, #2) a substitution (#4), no change in dose (#3, #5) or a temporary decrease in dose followed b a return to current baseline (#6). No choices that involve a permanent removal or cutting back on anything.

I'm a little leery of this. Do "pdocs" just expect people who are already experiencing nasty side effects from their drugs without any measurable attendant benefits to just take more and more medications at ever-increasing doses until their bodies become such toxic waste dumps that it would be impossible to notice a full-scale nuclear war outside, much less symptoms of mania or depression?

Moose, you yourself have reported that you get more relief from listening to music than from anything else. What about exercise, e.g., some nice long walks? Without jogging I am toast. And writing, here and in the form of e-mails, seems to get you through some tough moments as well. Whatever it takes to get you through the mornings and nights, do it. I'm helped lately by my almost incessant blogging, since I'm home so much and always near a computer since what little work I am doing these days involves an Internet connection.

I am on 1500 mg a day of Depakote and it seems to help with tendencies toward (hypo)mania. I also had a pescription for trazodone (100 mg PRN), and while it definitely helps knock me out, I don't like the hangover-ish effects and doubt I wil renew it. I am fortunate in that I can get prescriptions for $4 but am actually glad I don't have health insurance because otherwise I would probably have wound up on one of the expensive, high-powered zonker drugs and lives to resent it.

Anyway, you have friends here.

[Moose72]

Right! I know. I got out and walked for about half an hour this morning. VERY nice morning out! About 55 at 10 a.m. Now just got a shower and dressed.

Yesterday, I spent the whole day with my BF. We had a great time. We took pictures in the afternoon of a pumpkin patch and then of downtown. Each with a camera. I was feeling happy. We'd also had some very nice "Snuggle time" and that just made it better, too.

He said this morning- after I told him I hate Trazadone because its so hard to crawl out of bed in the morning- why don't I quit taking the meds? Well he's always voted for that choice. I told him just go cold turkey off and I'd be a MESS. Especially the ones I'm on.

My pdoc is supposed to call me back today about what my next choice is. When I miss ONE day of my meds, the same night I am hearing voices, the next morning I am a complete basket case depressed and then the same night I'm all hypomanic.

There's also the issue that I HATE being this fat. I just HATE IT. And the reason? DEPAKOTE! And these other things are adding fuel to the fire.

What I'd like is this: Get rid of side effects; hear no voices; have no manias; have no depressions. Can that be done with exercise and good friends and good-for-you food? I think so. It did for a while. It will be a long row to hoe but hey.... I just don't feel supported by my pdoc who is what I feel I need when I get in my worst states. I now understand why people go off their meds. I'm not afraid of the voices. I'm afraid of my wild mood swings and disassociations. Poor choices, etc. But right now, I'm spinning my wheels as it is.

Thanks for your post. And nice new pic.

[bexter]

So many people report gaining weight on Depakote. So far I have not, but when I am doing OK (not drinking) I run about 10 miles a day and also have an eating disorder occasionally...maybe those things have something to do with not packing on pounds.

Obviously you need some kind of meds if you're prone to psychosis, and I know how frustrating it has to be to keep upping doses and adding and deleting drugs here and there in pursuit of the "right" mix. In an ideal world we would all get by on therapy alone. Or by wishing for it hard enough!

One of many penalities I suffer when I go back to drinking is eradicating the effect(s) of whatever drug I am on. I take Depakote only--had a stash of trazodone I would take when I really wanted to sleep but I never adjusted to the side effects (because it was PRN) and I'm afraid to renew it because it is something I could abuse, I think.

Fotr me, consistent sleep-wake cycles would be a triumph. In years past I have achieved this but it must have been a precarious balance between having a job (or good income from writing), running a lot, and being in a stable relationship or otherwise acountable to someone up close. Now I'm entirely responsible for my own treatment and it sucks.

[bluevixen]

i want to tell you i know how you feel..i been trying to get the right drug combo since 2004...i'm on trazadone too...what drugs does you pdoc have on on?..just curious..hugs to you!!!

[Moose72]

Thanks, Bexter. I think the same thing- be accountable to others, whether or not its my kids or my boyfriend or a friend. Helps me through the really hard times, when that voice in the back of my mind goes "...but..." (The regular internal self-talk voices! )

Still, I haven't heard from my pdoc today. I did talk with my dad, though, about these choices and he said to tell her exactly what I told him (although much faster, I guess!). My dad also said that she probably is doing what she thinks is best and to that credit, I DID point out to her, Friday on the phone, that doubling the risperdal AND adding Trazadone would make the sleepiness worse. So tonight, I am hoping not to take the trazadone AND seeing if we can't come to a reasonable compromise with these meds. I just filled half my scripts- 6- that were due. Not all are for bipolar, though. Others are for asthma.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by bluevixen

i want to tell you i know how you feel..i been trying to get the right drug combo since 2004...i'm on trazadone too...what drugs does you pdoc have on on?..just curious..hugs to you!!!

Well just the psych meds are Celexa, Trazadone, Depakote and Risperdal. She's talking about adding Lithium, or maybe Geodon to replace the Risperdal, as Depakote and Risperdal don't seem to be working very well lately. (Which is one of the complications muddling up my choice-making ability!)

[Moose72]

Phooey. For right now, she says I should halve my trazadone at night and otherwise keep it the same until a week from now when I see her next and we'll talk about adding Lithium- possibly addig lithium while downing the depakote. She also said getting up and "going" in the morning really helps the grogginess and I said yes it did today. And she said I do worse with the hallucinations when tired- or at least, less sleep. WHen I'm up late lately, I'm not tired at all.