[penny1010]

Sometimes everything is so dark...so bleak...so empty...void of any meaning or purpose. Then suddenly everthing makes sense...the world is so bright...so full of delightful opportunity...such joy, such meaning, such purpose. And WHAM! It's all swept away. Nothing but a black hole left in it's place. Only despair and haunting torment remain...but what's that I see up ahead? A ray of light...

I both love and hate myself. I both love and hate people. I both love and hate my life. I both love and hate this "thing" that takes me for rollercoaser rides each and every day of my life....this "affliction" that causes me to feel so much and yet nothing at all....this "phenomenon" that gives me such bliss, such completeness, such beautiful and exotic thoughts...AND THEN RIPS IT ALL AWAY LIKE A TORNADO RIPPING APART A WARM AND LOVING HOME....leaving nothing but the cold, damp darkness that is my so called life.

But the real torture...the real torment...the true haunting pain is living in both worlds simultaneously. One foot in heaven...the other in hell. My mind racing in two different directions so as to rip me in half. My thoughts racing so fast...my mind too slow to keep up. Feeling so completely alive and utterly desperate that I think I might go mad.......where am I in all this? Which one is the "real" me, who do I hold on to? What can I truely believe in, if anything at all?

Then the darkness of the night comes......it's all only just begun....

[Junerain]

I, too, feel like the world makes sense sometimes, then...hold on..it's being ripped from underneath my sanity..I don;t know who I am..the books about bordelrine personality have helped me..finally my T agrees I have borderline..a good book is "Lost in the Mirror.." It talks about seeing things that way. Also...keep a journal!! Write the good and the bad and write it with passion!! Keep it with you at all times! Write me back ok?

[cocoa]

SO WELL SPOKEN!

ITS AS IF YOU LOOKED INSIDE OF ME AND TOLD THE WORLD MY INNER TORMENT. I GUESS THIS ILLNESS TAKES HOLD OF US IN SUCH SIMILAR WAYS NO MATTER WHO WE ARE OR WHERE WE COME FROM.

WELL PUT HUN,
JACQUI :-))

[penny1010]

Thanks for the reply Junerain. It's always nice to know that I'm not alone in this hell. Although, it would be nicer if no one had to experience it at all.....ahhh, in a perfect world....

The truth is...I'm done with doctors. No help to me at all. I've learned to be able to manage bi-polar without them and the hideous meds. The side-effects of those blasted pills are far worse for me than the ups and downs of bi-polar. Every now and again, everything comes into some kind of balance and normalcy and I have a momentary reprieve. With the meds....there's never a reprieve. I'm not advising this for others, but I've been battling this thing for 22 years, I was diagnosed 9 years ago, did a variety of meds for 6 years...some made me worse, others made me feel so awful I couldn't function...and still others caused me to lose my sense of self so deeply that it just made life not worth living. And I've been to more therapists and doctors than I can count. So here I am, taking it a day at a time, doing the things that I know work for me to be able to continue to function in day to day life without allowing this disorder to completely ruin me and my life.

It was exactly one year ago this month my beloved sister, also bi-polar, put a gun to her head and pulled the trigger. So I am in no way immune to what this disorder can do if left unchecked.

Finding places like this and people like you are a huge help in the coping process. Excercise is a very important tool for me to stay balanced. Expressing myself is THE most important way that I'm able to manage myself. I do keep a journal, I have since I was very young, and I keep it with me at all times. I write down pretty much everything...and I write it with great passion as passion is one of the great gifts of bi-polar disorder.

Penny

[penny1010]

Thanks Jacqui,

So true, I believe we all experience bi-polar in a very similar way...in our thoughts...our feelings...our actions. It's just the externals of our life that vary so greatly...our family, friends, jobs, homes, etc...

I feel your inner torment with you, I know your personal hell...you're not alone.

Penny

[Junerain]

Penny I read again what you wrote both first and last WOW how well you know yourself to know the traditional methods don't work..you knew who you were and when you weren't you. Such power, such assurance of the self. I read about the tornado imagine the eye of the storm right in the middle of the tornado..the black hole is surrounded by stars. I express myself with words too just wanted to join the story..how about posting poems in creative corner..have you looked into depression bipolar support alliance our local website is dbsaroch.org with a link to the national one with meetings near you..we care about you Penny.