[jbug]

I can tell I'm swinging down again.

I am irritable, no energy, hungry all the time, and just down right not myself. On Sunday I just about bit my Grandma's head off because she was going on and on about her stupid gift credit card that she was just sure had money on it still and I was trying to explain to her that she had used it the last few weeks when we had gone out to eat and she was arguing with me. I finally just shut down. I about just started to scream at her but figured I didn't want to make a huge scene in the middle of Applebees.

All I want to do is lay on the couch and when I do I just kind of stare at the T.V. not even really watching it just kind of staring at it.

Today was the first day since Sunday I took a shower and that is soooo not like me. I normally shower every day. Sometimes several times a day. The only reason I showered today was I was going out in public and didn't want to smell. I have a huge phobia of smelling bad when I am out in public.

I tried to tell my T today when she called me back how bad I am but couldn't get up the courage. I mean I'm not suicidal or anything but just empty inside. I feel like an empty shell of a person walking around.

Jan

[Michah]

Sounds really yukky! Did you feel that you had a manic episode before feeling "empty" or did this happen on its own? Have your meds been checked lately? Did you have a trigger?

Sorry about all the questions. Just trying to understnd circumstances. Hope you feel better soon.

[madisgram]

((((jan)))) probably your pdoc needs to tweak your meds til this swing subsides. i'd call him/her. and something set this off. can you recall anything that really threw you for a loop emotionally?
as for not telling your T, she can't help you unless you tell her what's going on. she won't think less of you, she's there to help! reach up and grab that courage.

[jbug]

I think what set this off was my dad's heart attack last week. I don't remember being manic before hand just now recognizing the signs of the swinging down.

I see my T today and so we will explore I'm sure the in's and out's of this swing.

Jan

[madisgram]

Originally Posted by jbug

I think what set this off was my dad's heart attack last week. I don't remember being manic before hand just now recognizing the signs of the swinging down.

I see my T today and so we will explore I'm sure the in's and out's of this swing.

Jan

sorry to hear about your dad's heart attack. yeah, stress like that can certainly be a trigger. good luck in therapy today.

[jbug]

I had therapy today and just as I suspected we talked about my spiral downward.

Dr. M thinks it is a combo of my dad's heart attack last week and my fear of my doctor's appointment tomorrow in Little Rock. I go see my surgeon in Little Rock tomorrow and I have gained a couple of pounds back and fear he won't do my surgeries now. On one hand I don't think he will cancel them over just a couple of pounds but then again he just might. I am just preparing myself for the worst. I always stress out when I have to go for checkups with this doc and then when I get down there I find out I was stressing for nothing. I keep forgetting Dr. Baker is just a big teddy bear.

Jan

[rkba97]

I think it's a very big step to learn to to recognize the warning signs. I'm not there yet. Right now I'm still writing everything down and it's getting kind of tedious.

I hope that your father is doing OK.

[jbug]

I think I'm getting a bit better. Not much but a little bit. I was able to get out of the house a little over the weekend and that was nice. Mom took me to the store on Thursday and I stocked up on groceries which is a good thing because they are saying on the news that the next 3 days are going to be way nasty with an ice storm coming in. That won't do my depression any good as I won't be able to get out and go anywhere. I think before it hits though I may go to the library in the morning and get some DVD's to watch. I can't afford to go to Blockbuster so the library is the next best thing. I am almost out of cigarettes and don't have the money to get anymore so am trying to figure that out. I talked with my T about quitting but she thinks that with the way things are going with me right now and my stress level that quitting isn't a good thing for me to try right now and I think she is right. I have an idea of what I can do to get some so when I am out in the morning I will take care of that.

When mom and I were at Walmart on Thursday I got an exercise DVD and I plan on starting to add that to my routine this week and since it looks like I'm going to be iced in for a few days it will be good to get used to doing it. I got the Biggest Loser Boot camp DVD. I was doing my Pilates DVD but it wasn't getting my heart rate up and I know to burn calories you need to get your heart rate up so looked at different ones online and decided on this one plus it was on sale.

When I went for therapy on Thursday my T could tell that I was depressed because I wasn't wearing my contacts and didn't have any makeup on which is a huge thing for me. I had my glasses on and a baseball hat on and was just kind of there. I told her at least I had showered and it was all I could do to at least do that. It is taking all the energy I have to just get up and do the basic things but I am doing them and figure that if I do them every day that maybe they will get easier and easier.

Jan

[jbug]

I slept last night meaning Tuesday night. I slept way too long though. I went to bed around 10:30 and woke up around 3:30 on Wednesday. I have been falling asleep on the couch and sleeping off and on and last night actually got up and slept in my bed with my CPAP on and I think that is why I slept so long. I woke up when the alarm on my phone went off at 9 to shut it off and go back to sleep and then again around 12 to see what time it was and I thought oh I'll go back to sleep for about 30 more minutes and 3 hours later I woke up. I really didn't totally wake up though I just moved locations. I got up and moved to the couch and turned on the T.V. and just kind of stared at it.

I need to get up in the morning so plan on sleeping on the couch tonight so that I will get up in the morning.

I think that I am still in the depression mode or I wouldn't have slept so much. I tend to sleep and sleep and just kind of zone my way through the day.

I will be so glad when I get in the manic mode so I can get some stuff done around here.


Jan

[mlpHolmes]

Dear jbug,

There ARE great, new medications that can bring you OUT of this cycle. I was amazed what the bipoar meds & shift in behavior did for me. Before the meds & a big change in my behavior I was living the life you describe in your posts, for years, swinging - I wasn't living - existing perhaps. Jbug, IMHO check w/ your Pdoc, & I have a suggestion that works wonder for me!.....
I found if I take action first (& I have to push myself!!) then good feelings follow! I was waiting to feel better first, then action would follow.
So maybe you could try Actions first
(push yourself)---> Good Feelings!! may follow!!).

Thinking of You w/ Love,
Holmes

[jbug]

Thanks for your response holmes!

I will mention it to my pdoc next time their office is open hopefully they will be able to open tomorrow which is when my appointment with my T is. We have been hit with a terrible ice storm and it has knocked out power to most of Springdale which is where my Pdoc and T's office is. So I may not be able to go to therapy tomorrow. It depends on if they have power. I plan on mentioning it to my T about how I am swinging so much lately and see if she can mention it to my pdoc. I can't get in to see him until mid-march and he won't do anything with my meds unless he sees me face to face because I am on so many.

Jan