its all the same to me

irrational. rational. its all the same in the moment when ur feeling that way. ll my friends in there successful life and me in my screwed up mood swing filled one.

earlier i was craving activity. ANY thing to do except sit by myself at home again like i do everyday when everyone i know has things to do. i get little time at work so im home all the time. its really frustrating and i harbor hard feelings at times when i feel the most lonesome. today i brok down crying because i felt so forgotten and broken inside.

I hear ya babe........

I've been sitting at home for 3 weeks and this isn't the first time I isolate in the house with nothing to do...but sleep and maybe go on the computer or watch tv.

So many times I've been told to go for a walk and I say where? I feel like I need a distination to go somewhere....a walk...where. Lately I have a car and I still stayed in the house...I didn't have one before and used that as an excuse to not go out...too far to travel...

So what I'm been doing is ...chat here and get a push from someone...yes, that's the only thing that helps me..cause I can't self motivate.

So reach out for suggestions from ppl for something to do so you won't be bored. Walking in nature and observing the trees....once I watched a spider makes it's web....I was there for such a long time I didn't even know where the time went...cause I focused on how it was weaving and it was amazing. Sitting watching the birds...go back and forth...it cool too.

Wow just writing this is making me want to go outside....and explore nature. We don't always have to be with ppl....

I've been kind of isolating, too. Unless I have some place I have to be, I generally don't go out. I cancel dates at the last minute, I've been sleeping 12-15 hrs a day most days. I'm going to have to withdraw from school AGAIN, which I imagine will put an end to may relationship with Vocational Rehabilitation.

I can't concentrate, I can't wade through my material at all, I CAN'T EVEN READ A BOOK! When I do get out, usually to a band job, I have a pretty good time, but I even isolate on breaks. I'll wander off to a quiet corner and play with my iPhone.

I am doing one thing, I'm buying a bicycle! I used to ride when I was in high school and college, I really loved it, and I think I will again. Getting some exercise and sun should be good for me. Hopefully I'll get skinny again!

And so the endless struggle continues...

Yeah the idea of a bicycle sounds like fun! The car goes too fast and we miss alot of the scenery so a bike has two benefits...sightseeing and toning up our bodies. Yes, I gained a few inches from the meds and since I've been off I lost 5 lbs...it not a landmine but it's a start.

But don't take heart...playing and singing helps relieve some emotions and gives others a reason to smile too.

I was at the Fest for Beatles Fans last night. Wow I miss the days of watching my ex play but that's where I have grown. I go to the Starving Artist in City Island and watch those bands play there, too. So I still enjoy a good (simple) night out.


I sound like I go out alot and I don't....just to make it clear. I probably been to the Starving Artist 2 times in the past 2 years. But I have to keep telling myself that it's all possible. I don't like ppl yelling and if I'm in a crowd that's too controversial I'll go to my cell phone and check my email or write something on myfacebook. It's my new addiction facebook....as is this laptop. Atleast being on the computer I'm awake. I find that being here keeps me away from sleeping too much. I too can sleep my life away and it's not why I was put on this earth for....to sleep my life away. I had to add that...I'm not always so cheery but I'm trying not to be depressed cause I have a lot to be grateful for.

Hang in there!!!

thanks for the encouraging reponses