Help in dealing with a partner who has BPD

If anyone has any help advice for me to give my partner to help him deal with me it would be greatly appreciated! Ive been reading some stuff online about what the partner has to deal with when they are living with someone who has BPD. Ive come to realise that i think alot of our problems are my fault. Iwant so much for my relationship to get better. I dont want my boyfriend leaving me because im crazy and i also dont want to lose my son. Thanks in advance

Rachelle.

Rachie,

It is hard for me to reply to this as I don't think anyone has a magic formula, but my experience is that no-one can ever really understand, even with the best intentions. I am not being a negative nancy, more a cynical realist! No, okay, sorry....bit of my bent humour. My saving grace, has been to "give up" the idea that I need others to understand.......they cannot and more grief is in the trying to get my thoughts and feelings across, than in the actual problem. More peace is restored internally when you take responsibility for your feelings and actions and attempt to resolve them on your own or with your therapist. That is empowerment.

In saying this, I am aware that this state of mind takes a little while to reach. I mean, you kind of have to understand what you are dealing with first in order to manage it. There is nothing wrong in communicating how you feel to your partner, that is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship, but do not expect him to "help" you. He does not know what you are REALLY dealing with. He can scratch the surface but that is all. He can care for you and support you, but he cannot fix you. Reading material for him is excellent, but experience with you will fortify what he learns. Maintain a sense of humour, that is my other saving grace......allow both of you to have a laugh at the more morbid things in life......I am not talking about death here, just stuff that is serious(if you know what I mean). If I told you some of the stuff I have laughed at within myself, you would probably get me immediate medical attention. But laughter is imperative, especially when things are really bad.

As for your child, you will not lose them.......you think too little of yourself......you are a good mum that is getting help and doing all that you can with what you have got. The power is in the doing, not the "not doing".

Don't know if any of that made sense, but glean from it what you will, sweetie.......big hugsit will get better......

My advise would be to never lose his love for you and to have patience. Love and caring and understanding are the only things I've seen that help. When my wife still lived it was only her love that kept me from cracking up at times.

If he has time to read a book, I hear this one is good - Stop Walking on Eggshells:

http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-E...4111636&sr=8-1

and there's a workbook:
http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-E...d_bxgy_b_img_c

I would just try and help him become really informed about your disorder, so he understands what you are dealing with.

Thanks for the advice guys! Michah i too have a morbid sense of humour lol. Yes a couple of other people have mentioned that book aswel, i must get a copy! Hopefully he will read it lol. Thanks again

This is for anyone who wants to be in a sustainable, healthy relationship with a person who has BPD. It is quoted/paraphrased from advice from Robert Friedel, a clinician with substantial expertise in treating BPD, and I think it conveys well what is most needed in this type of relationship:

Consistency in behavior is important. For many people with BPD, chaos rules. Unreliability and betrayal often taint their experiences with others. Recognizing that the relationship will provide constancy and reliability is necessary for the creation and growth of trust.

Honesty is necessary to maintain trust. If you collude with the person with BPD to cheat others, then the person with BPD will expect to be cheated by you eventually. The treating psychologist, particularly, must be incorruptible and steadfast. Since many people with BPD have a history of being exploited, interacting with others who “do the right thing” energizes their hope that the world contains trustworthy people.

Commitment to the relationship must be conveyed. People with BPD fear abandonment, but they also expect it. Because they are often stuck in black-or-white, “splitting” perceptions of others, a person with BPD can find it difficult to grasp that a therapist or a friend can be disappointed, annoyed, frustrated, or even angry with her, yet still remain committed to the relationship.

Flexibility and openness contribute to healthier interactions. People with BPD often plead for directions from others, since they are so often confused about their own identity and feelings. Indeed, people with BPD are often attracted to others who seem self-assured and confident. Unfortunately, such partners may have their own narcissistic issues, which will doom the relationship. One who is tempted to rigidly control or direct the behavior of the person with BPD may eventually become the target of blame when the other side of the need-to-be-controlled coin – the fear of engulfment – emerges.

Perspective is important to maintain when interacting with people with BPD. The tendency to perceive the world in extremes frequently propels the person with BPD to react in desperation, which sometimes gives them the reputation of being “drama queens” (or kings). Refusing to book passage on their cruise to dramatic excess helps keep matters in proportion. Patience, unflappability, and carefully timed humor can be very helpful with this.

Respect and even admiration for the person with BPD’s courage and strength to confront pain and initiate growth is a necessary part of the relationship. Praise and encouragement are very helpful when earned.

Empathy for the pain of a person with BPD is essential. Because many people with BPD function at a very high level, it is sometimes difficult for others to understand their regression to more primitive levels of conduct. When an intelligent, attractive, competent individual indulges in repetitive self-destructive actions, such as pursuing harmful relationships or using drugs, others may have difficulty understanding the underlying motivation. Repugnant or frightening behaviors such as self-mutilation can be formidable obstacles to sustaining empathic contact with others. Maintaining emotional connection with the person with BPD, and working with her to understand and control her behavior, allows the relationship to grow.

Detachment is a necessary and important balance to empathy. Immersion in the cauldron of BPD emotions can be draining. Attempts to totally satisfy all of their needs are doomed to fail and only reinforce unrealistic expectations. Firm boundaries must be maintained. The person with BPD will be disappointed and fling guilt at the treating psychologist who takes a vacation or the boyfriend who spends time with his other friends, but such respite time is important for all parties. It is unhealthy for the treating psychologist or the boyfriend to sacrifice their own interests in response to the demands of the person with BPD; this will only fuel resentment in them, which, in turn, will threaten the calm and accepting consistency which is needed in them. The pressure to feel responsible for the person with BPD must be resisted. Personal time to refresh will allow more patience for future upheavals. The person with BPD can learn and grow from the need to more realistically respond to frustration and place less responsibility on others to provide her comfort. Conforming to predictable limitations also helps the person with BPD to adapt to healthy relationships.

Hi I am Joshua. I have a wife that I am seperated from due to her illness that she cant admit that she has. Wow your trying to help him and that to me is all he should need. Could you imagine how he would feel if you always denied that there was anything wrong with you. I have learned that my wife has this by talking to a counsler. I have been for seven years just miserable cause she thinks she is fine and I am the one thats crazy. I am in utter pain over this. I cant seem to let go of her cause I love her. And cant go back cause of her. I wish I was in his shoes. I could go back if she was willing to help me understand her. And get help. But instead I am getting help to save what sanity I have left. I wish I could fix all of our mess with this but I am learning to let god fix her. Your doing the right thing.

Joshua

Thanks mike ill definately show that to my partner! Joshua im so sorry you are going thru that it must be hard! I hope for her sake that she soon realises that she has a problem, id hate to see what would happen to her. I wish you luck in trying to get her help and i wish you even more luck in healing yourself