[shezbut]

I haven't drank alcohol in more than 15 years, nor have I ever wanted to. In fact, I have a tendency to be very judgmental of those who do drink or smoke. I grew up in a family of alcohol and druggies, and began doing those things myself very young. Drinking at 10 and having the smoke blown in my face for as long as I can remember. Began smoking pot at 11 or 12. I easily stopped both, as I wasn't addicted.

Anyway, why is that I'm suddenly really wanting to drink?? I don't get it. I went and bought a 12-pack of beer this afternoon! Does this make any sense?

Shez

[krazy_phoenix]

Hey Shez, hope you've left your doz outta the fridge and left the lids on. Be strong.

As you're part of PC, I guess you have obstacles to a life more ordinary, and perhaps have now or have had in the past some kind of talk therapy. Sound like now is a good time for it?! Wondering if your back ground bit similar to mine...

Started drinking at 12, pill-popper at 10. Diff is I got addicted. Fast forward 25 years and here I am, sober, however a little unstable
I still go through days when I crave alcohol and/or cocaine. I can feel it in my body, taste it, I sweat and shake, and I WANT IT. But something nearly always tips me over to be that way...and its nearly always something I don't want to look at or remember, a trigger that I want to go away.

Where have your thoughts been today, the last couple of days, this week? Has something happened to a friend, or did you hear a story that upset you? It can be something that you may have thought previously insignificant, but may have been a little key to a little lock in mind...

If you grew up in a household of people who drank and did drugs, they too were pushing feelings/thoughts down they didn't want to face. This has been role-modelled to you. Just because your conscious thought is not to follow suit and be like them, your sub-conscious absorbed your surroundings and learned from your family how to deal with certain situations.

My advice to you for the immediate moment is distraction, distraction, distraction. If you haven't had any of that doz you bought, go for a drive, a walk if its not the middle of the night where you are, call someone, go to the shops and be where there are other people. If its not usual behaviour for you to buy the grog, distract yourself till you regather your strength to make your best judgement for yourself and stay sober. But don't ignore your sub-conscious' call for your conscious' help. We all have our own signals and signs of distress, this could be yours.

Even at our weakest and meekest, we have strength. I'm sure you have had a past that has demonstrated that to you. Draw on that experience now, and be strong. Tomorrow is another day filled with positive potential for you to explore and expand.

Love, light and peace,
kp

[shezbut]

Thanx for sharing your strength and experience, kp!

I am in a very weak time of my life. I feel like I tattered flag that's been whipping in the wind every which direction for way too long. I am tired of feeling this way. I am tired of feeling so entirely lost and alone.

I haven't touched those beers yet. I've since figured out what's attracted me to that 12-pack. A man I kind of know. He's a drinker and pot-smoker, but he's nice. And I am so lonely. I am very tempted to go back to the way I used to live my life -drinking & smoking to gain love and affection. Unrealistic, I know. But that's my incredibly strong temptation.

Shez

[krazy_phoenix]

How easy it is to justify our desires and ignore our own basic needs of safety, love, protection, stability, honesty etc...
Imagine yourself with this man in 6 months, 12 months, 2 years time. Where will your relationship be? Revolving around drugs and grog and living the consequences of choices that are influenced by them - a little like your family now? A situation repeated. It is all choice at some point tho. Sometimes the choice was so early in the piece that it was simply missed. You know already where the path of grog and drugs will take you - love will NOT OVERCOME it. Not to say love will not exist in it, but the darkness of grog and drugs will mask it till it is unrecognisable to those living in the dark. You know this.
I understand the feeling of aimlessness, drifting, feeling at the whim of fate, sailing on an open sea in a sinking boat with no sign of land. The only way to change this is to start making conscious choices for your life. None of this is to say that the man you mentioned is not a nice person, but he is in his own sinking boat. You can't tell him where land is till you find it yourself. Two people in a sinking boat will only weigh it down and make it sink faster... But you don't want to sink, you want to sail on to better lands so stay in your own boat and ... choose the bucket and start bailing. Yes, you've done this before, but this time it will be different. This time, after making the first choice to bail out your boat, you will make a second choice; you will choose to fix your sails so that you can catch the right wind that will take you to the land of contentment, happiness and peace. This is possible. Think of the type of life you want, of what your heart needs (and I don't mean rich, living in NY and hobnobbn w Paris Hilton). I mean stuff like being true to yourself, having passion (for anything and/or everything), finding and honing that creative spark that is trying to get out, enjoying things like the peacefulness of simply being, find out what it is you believe in then walk your talk... Once you start making conscious choices to follow a path to your own betterment, you will no longer be drifting the whims of fate. Instead you will captaining your ship on the ocean of destiny. Sometimes it can be as simple as making the choice have a smile on your face today, regardless of whatever else is going on...you'll be surprised how infectious a smile can be and amazingly cheap!

Good luck to you Shez, and may the blessed winds of change blow your way.
Love, light and peace

kp