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#1
Nov 01, 2009, 10:50 PM
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I'm not sure where this goes but I really need some help and advice! I'm not sure what is wrong with me all I know is that there is something wrong! I feel like I'm losing my mind and I can not go on like this!
 I'm gonna write down all the things going on in my life that I have struggled with over the last 17 years. Any help, advice or input would be greatly appreciated!! For as long as I can remember I have not been able to control my anger, the things that I say or do. I often act innappropriately and can become very childish. My behaviour is very irratic and unpredictable and I can not control it! Sometimes I become very depressed, so much so that i don't even want to get out of bed or even want to be alive!! I feel worthless and feel that there is no point going on!! Then other times I'm over elated and have bags of energy and I don't sleep much or for very often or eat much, I talk incessantly about nothing and can come across very rude, which I'm not really! I interupt people and say innappropriate things and my behaviour is irratic at wild at times. I can engage in some dangerous behaviour, such as dangerous sexual encounters and and drug taking. I get stressed extremely easily, by the slightest things or comments. My mood can change with the click of a a finger. I spend all my money on things I don't need! I self harm and struggle to deal with CSA. My behaviour has been a problem for my family, especially my poor mother who I know did her best for me and my five brothers but I know she prefers them to me! My behavior has also put strain on my relationship with my friends, and I don't have so many as it is!! Its is becoming increasingly difficult to work as my irratic mood and behaviour is affecting my work and relation with my friends and collegues at work. I feel i'm holding on to my job barely!!! I really feel that i'm losing control and can not think straight, the slightest things can send me into a rage! I don't take criticism well even constructive criticism. I hear voices that tell me to hurt myself and that i'm worthless and need to be punished, they also make me paranoid and tell me my freinds are talking about me behind my back and laughing at me! I don't know what to do anymore.  I'm currently being treated with prozac for depression and I'm seeing a clinical psychologist on wednesday. I've been on prozac for about a month but I don't think they are doing much. My life is like a rollercoaster and I just want to get off!!! But I can't!!! Any help, advice or input would be great! Thank you for taking the time to read I really appreciate it!!! And I hope you are all well!!! Thanks again! 
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LaraKeziah |
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#2
Nov 02, 2009, 01:03 AM
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Hi Lara! hoping that your going to be feeling better soon. Keep seeing the psychologist as i think it could really help you. It must be exhausting to feel like your struggling all the time.
dont listen to those thoughts and voices they are being mean to you and its not good. keep posting and  hugs!!
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 larakeziah
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#3
Nov 02, 2009, 02:42 AM
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Thanks crystalrose!!!
It is exhausting, mentally, physically and emotionally!!! I don't know whether i'm coming or going most of the time!!! Take care and Thanks again for the reply! I appreciate it!!!
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LaraKeziah |
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#4
Nov 02, 2009, 08:13 AM
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Just wanted to say I, too have been known to be unpredictable, erratic, and wild......however I am in the process of recovery, have found some stable friends, even a stable boyfriend, and my erratic behaviors have all but ceased..........(this did take fifteen years though..
  )Your family seems to be more caring than mine was...making me extremely dependent on friends...which cannot quite become family no matter how hard one tries.... It seems being eccentric is not accepted in this society, I have found, unfortuneately... Society was very, very cruel to me when i did not have it together.. People tell me not to blame society but I cannot help it.. Guess those fifteen years will haunt till I die...no matter how together I have worked to get myself.. Hurting still, but offering hope at the same time, Junerain
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| larakeziah
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#5
Nov 02, 2009, 09:14 AM
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(((((((((((((((((Lara)))))))))))))))))
I feel your pain. When I was reading your post I thought, "this is my life, to the letter". I can understand your pain. You are doing right by seeing a psychologist. Also, who prescribes you meds, Family Doctor, Pdoc? I would certainly see a pdoc if you don't already have one. They can really pinpoint what conditions you have, put a name to them, and then help you get the information you need to better understand yourself, and how you can get better. This will also help with your psychologist (T). If you find the right ones they can even work together on your treatment. Just alittle about my work, hoping it will help you to know that there is a better world for you. I have been seeing my T and pdco for 2 1/2 years, and I can see a difference in myself. I dont' like to admit it but I can see it. This combo does work, but it will take much time and energy on your part and I know it's a long road. You are strong though and I know you can get through this with time. Take care of yourself. PM me if I can help you in any way. |
| Briester, larakeziah
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#6
Nov 02, 2009, 02:43 PM
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Hi again Lara, I was talking to you in the chatroom last night.
I think it's probably important to see your therapist and I think after some time you could (from what you've said) get a diagnosis of something like borderline or maybe bipolar. I have a lot of similar symptoms, and I share your pain and worry of not really knowing for sure what's going on and why I'm so broken etc. It doesn't sound to me like this is depression. Sure you are probably also depressed but I wouldn't say that's the main thing... I hope your therapist will give you enough time to explain what's going on etc. Maybe printing your post here would help, because I know you told me you struggle to tell them the whole story and then if parts are missed out it can be harder for diagnosis. That's been one of my problems also. I really wish you luck. I think the therapy is going to help you a lot so please try to relax and just let that happen for you  ... and also it'd be nice if you could let us know how it goes on Wednesday as well. Don't be surprised if you feel a bit worse immediately afterwards, I know I did and I think others have before.... you have to bring up a lot of stuff and opening up is hard at first I think! I ended up hating my nurse/therapist lol. xxx |
| Briester, larakeziah
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#7
Nov 02, 2009, 08:12 PM
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Thank you lisa! I think i will print my original post and take it with me to see doctor, thats a really good idea thank you! I will definitely let ya know how it goes on wed. Have a counsellor coming 2moro! Not looking forward to having to tell her bout the burning tho! Anyway thanks again an thanks for the chat hope to chat again soon. Hugs to all
x
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#8
Nov 02, 2009, 08:18 PM
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#9
Nov 02, 2009, 08:22 PM
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#10
Nov 04, 2009, 06:35 AM
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I went to my appointment today an the psychologist says i have a mood disorder and has prescribed me with mood stabilisers. He mentioned Bipolar but can not be certain yet. I have to fill out a mood diary an take it with me in two weeks. I'm not sure what all this means but will have to see how things go. He said that if they help then i may have to be on them for a while. At least things are progressing eh? Thanks for all ya input an thoughts. I really appreciate all posts! Thanks again, hugs to all an i hope you are all well
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| Briester, Junerain
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#11
Nov 04, 2009, 01:10 PM
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Oh wow Lara! It seems somebody has finally listened, eh? I'm surprised he was able to say so soon that it's a mood disorder, did he ask a set of specific questions?
I must say I'm quite... jealous... I mean not in a bad way!! But I've been trying to convince my nurse/therapist there is something "more" than my eating disorder and she's not having any of it! I suggested borderline, because the symptoms fit, and she told me if I was suggesting I had it then I wouldn't have it because borderlines deny they have it, gah. I hope the mood stabilisers will have a really positive effect on you and make things easier!!! Hopefully it can control your anger and you're going to feel much better --- more stable!! lol. What's the name of the pills you're on? Are you off to prozac now? I'm going to the doc and asking to come off mine tomorrow (as you might remember they're making my bloody hair fall out). Thanks for the wee update! Good luck with your mood diary x |
| larakeziah
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#12
Nov 04, 2009, 06:22 PM
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Quote:
Hi again Lisa After he read what i'd given me he asked if sometimes i feel over elated at times for no aparent reason and if at these times do i spend a lot of money and have lots of energy. which i answered yes to. He also asked about my sleeping and the tablets he gave me for sleeping, asked if they were working. I told him that i didn't take them that much cos sometimes i just don't want to sleep, and that i like staying up sometimes and he said that some people get a kick out of staying awake. It sounds odd but i sorta do! after a few other questions he said I have a mood disorder but couldn't pin point exact one at minute and he has prescribed me Sodium Volproic Acid, I think thats what it says!!! Can't read his writing!!!! lol. Can't pick up meds till i get paid on friday so will correct myself if i'm wrong!!! lol I hope u get some answers soon too lisa!!!!! Hope u are ok Hugs to U!!!!
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LaraKeziah |
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#13
Nov 14, 2009, 02:54 AM
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Lara, I can so relate to what you are feeling as I have been that way for most of my life. I am finally with a good doctor and on a good cocktail and the symptoms are quite well maintained. Don't get me wrong, there are times of flare-ups, but every day is better than the one before. I spent 9 years battling the voices in my head and can relate to your anguish and your battle. If at any time you would like to chat or something, please let me know and I will be more than happy to listen and possibly offer some coping techniques I found helpful.
take care, ~ beautiful madness~ |
| larakeziah
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#14
Nov 14, 2009, 11:49 AM
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Beautiful madness that's great to hear you're getting the right treatment and it's being a huge help! Every day being better than the one before sounds wonderful
Lara --- how are things going? Are the meds taking affect yet? I sent you a PM. x |
| larakeziah
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#15
Nov 15, 2009, 09:53 PM
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I really hope you are well and continuing to improve!!! I don't think they are working yet I've only been on the Sodium Volporate for a week and I've forgotten to take it a couple of times! I don't feel any different really. Felt worse after I started on the Prozac though, seem to have more manic type episodes, this last one lasted about 2 weeks and then finally on Tuesday I kinda flipped out whilst out with friends from work!!! Not good! My Mum had to come from work to get me cos I was Wandering around on my own in a real state at 2.30 am!!! Have felt really rubbish since and made a fool outta myself in front of my friends!!! They are really supportive though, still I never wanted to put them through that! Feel really depressed and just want to sleep!!! but been dog sitting so couldn't stay in bed all day!! Anyway thanks again!!! Take care Hugs Lara
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LaraKeziah |
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#16
Nov 15, 2009, 09:56 PM
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Meds not working yet don't think not if last Tuesday was anything to go by!!! My other post explains that, forgot to mention that in my PM to ya!!! Hope you are good! Take care Love Lara
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LaraKeziah |
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#17
Nov 16, 2009, 06:43 PM
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Ah, it'll just take a while to get used to the meds I'm sure... I think sometimes things can get temporarily worse to begin with but it will settle down
Sorry to hear you flipped out, don't worry too much though, at least you're getting help now and things should gradually improve. Stay strong! x |
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#18
Nov 16, 2009, 06:56 PM
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#19
Nov 21, 2009, 03:11 AM
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Hi Lara.. My brother and I are both diagnosed with Bipolar.. one of us is Bipolar1 and the other is Bipolar2. My brother was put on Prozac and it worked wonders for him.. they put me on it and it didn't work for me. It can be hard getting used to taking the meds.. I used to forget all the time. My mom got me one of those weekly pill boxes and set an alarm to remind me to take them each morning and evening; Maybe that would help. Continue to take one day at a time and one step at a time.
sending peaceful and caring thoughts, ~ beautiful madness~ |
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#20
Nov 21, 2009, 03:18 AM
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Lisa, thank you for the note and well wishes. each day getting better than the one before is indeed a wonderful accomplishment. my journaling has been a big factor along with remembering that there is always hope.
((((hugs)))) ~beautiful madness~ |
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#21
Nov 21, 2009, 08:12 PM
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Nov 22, 2009, 10:29 AM
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Nov 22, 2009, 01:50 PM
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#24
Nov 26, 2009, 09:23 PM
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I'm glad to hear this! I hope you managed to sort it all out x |
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#25
Nov 27, 2009, 02:16 AM
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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