[mum2four]

PD was offereed to me as an explanation and I was asked by my T if I felt it discribed me but I still have some reservation about it....

-------The symptoms of borderline patients are similar to those for which most people seek psychiatric help: depression, ---this is me-----

mood swings, ----I'm told this was me and I remeber people reacting to me strangly but I really never saw the mood swings -----

the use and abuse of drugs, ----never touched them----

alcohol, ----rarely drink ----

or food ---dont over eat if anything I use to refuse to eat when I was younger----

as a means of trying to feel better; obsessions, ----always have----

phobias, -----I sopose so as I have panic attack----

feelings of emptiness and loneliness, ----only when I'm around people I feel invisable ----

inability to tolerate being alone. -----I love being alone or at least I use to before the PTSD kicked in----

In addition, these patients displayed great difficulties in controlling ragefulness; ----never been in a rage eva----

they were unusually impulsive, -----I dont think I'm impulsive in a negative way at least----

they fell in and out of love suddenly;----in a 15y realationship been together since we were 16y------

they tended to idealize other people and then abruptly despise them. -----I have rought friendship and I proberly do idealize them to a point but when I brack the friendship up it because of an illegal or immoral issues that i cant get over and I've only despieed one person in my life and I cant figure out why her excpet that there is too many negative things that she did to my partner and I and our kids that i just cant forgive her for. It never happened abruptly from my point of view cause I had been obsessing trying to ignore my obsession till i no longer could anymore but to the person it seem sudden cause I have never let on I was troublw dealing with things about the friendship------

A consequence of all this was that they typically looked for help from a therapist and then suddenly quit in terrible disappointment and anger.----never-----

Underneath all these symptoms, therapists began to see in borderline people an inability to tolerate the levels of anxiety,----would explain why I cant function in the real world like opther people---

frustration,-----easily frustrated by the way the world works----

rejection ----i try to reject people before thay can reject me---

and loss that most people are able to put up with,----fue people can handle my personality and I dont understand why----

an inability to soothe and comfort themselves when they become upset,-----I agree on some level as I dont cope like other people do with the way the world works----

and an inability to control the impulses toward the expression, ------I controled them very well for the most part but when I loose it with a person I let it all out nothing gets left in my head----

through action, ----never done any action to hurt people----

of love and hate that most people are able to hold in check. -----I keep love and hate well controlled I just struggle to feel like I fit in and understand my feelings enough to express them in the right context---

What seems to be of central importance in the symptoms and difficulties mentioned above is that the hallmark of the "borderline" personality is great difficulty in holding on to a stable, consistent sense of one's self: "What am I?" these people ask. "My life is in chaos; sometimes I feel like I can do anything—other times I want to die because I feel so incompetent, helpless and loathsome. I'm a lot of different people instead of being just one person." ----I feel like this big time or at least I did before I was put on luvox I still some days get like this normally after a negative incounter with another person but as far as who I am in my home life I have never struggled just struggeled with how I fit in to big wide world out side my front door.----

The one word that best characterizes borderline personality is "instability." Emotions are unstable, fluctuating wildly, often for no discernible reason. -------this is how people discribe me and react to me I never felt like the mood change was not warrented-----

Thought processes are unstable—rational and clear at times, quite extreme and distorted at other times.----only about illegal and immoral issues-----

Behavior is unstable—often with periods of excellent conduct, high efficiency and trustworthiness alternating------never eva felt like this eva and people have never reacted to me in way that would make me feel they thought this about me-----

with outbreaks of regression to childlike states of helplessness and anger, -----get called childish alot but that because I refuse to accept the world for what it is-----

suddenly quitting a job,------only had a fue jobs and yes this happened because I could not deal with the way i was feeling about the people I was working with I felt I had to remove my self to make them safe from me-----

withdrawing into isolation, ----YES to protect people from me I would get intence intrusive thoughts and images that made me feel like I was a danger to people----

failing. -----I fail at interacting with life out side my house----

Self control is unstable leading to impulsive behaviors and chaotic relationships. -----I think I have amazing self control to ignore 99 out 100 impulses in my head but to the out side world it was like I was impulsive cause I was an obsessive thinker----

A person with borderline personality disorder may sacrifice themselves for others, -----ALL the time----

only to reach their limit and suddenly fly into rageful reproaches, ---- I would not say ragefull but very full on approch when i finally reached my limit-----

or they may curry favor through obedient submission only to rebel, ----NEVER been submissive hated letting anyone have any sort of control over me----

out of the blue, in a tantrum.-------I was upset and angry but had good reason to be most of the time-----

Associated with this instability is terrible anxiety, guilt and self-loathing-----BIG TIME-----

for which relief is sought at any cost—medicine,----NO----
drugs,-----NO-------
alcohol,-----NO------
overeating,------NO-------
suicide.-------though about it once at 16y but the thought of still current boy friend stopped me------

Sadly, oddly, self-injury is discovered-------- YES but I have no given in as many time as it pops in to my head but I become very disresses when tyring to ignore it-------

by many borderline people to provide faster relief than anything else—cutting or burning themselves stops the anxiety temporarily.

The effect upon others of all this trouble is profound: family members never know what to expect from their volatile child,------YES-----
siblings,
or spouse,----aparently but I never hurt his feeling the way I have with my family------

except they know they can expect trouble: suicide threats ----never----
and attempts,-----NOT that they know of----

self-inflicted injuries,-----which my mum stuck her head in the sand about----

outbursts of rage and recrimination,------NOT rage anger and never physical ever-----

impulsive marriages,-----never-----
divorces, -------never------
pregnancies --------it could be said but I was ready for every one of my kids-----

and abortions; -----never------

repeated starting and stopping of jobs and school careers,------never but been too scared to try as when I get anxiety and panic of being judged i freack out and run------

and a pervasive sense, on the part of the family, of being unable to help.-----they dont want to try my partner has never had problem with being to comfort me with out pampering my every whim-------

I dont know do I have it or not cause think most of my friendship problems have been OCD related not BPD......

[Pup]

we cant say, we arnt professionals, print this out and see one if you want a legitimate answer.

[shezbut]

mum2four,

I agree with Pup. We aren't professionals, and certainly cannot give you legitimate diagnoses. What we can provide, if we choose, is our opinion of your words.

It sounds as though you dislike the diagnosis of BPD, and as though you're looking for ways in which this diagnosis does not fit your personality and behavior. Many doctors try to go around diagnosis nowadays, because there is so much information out there, people often freak themselves out. For instance, BPD is a part of me. It is not all of me. I am not BPD. Instead, I have strong tendencies to swing from mood to mood intensely. (I've always been "all or nothing", a core belief.) If I disagree with (anything - we'll say... fatty foods), I avoid fatty foods completely. I also avoid being around those sinners that do eat fatty foods. I look down upon those people, because I look down upon eating fatty foods. It goes together in my mind. In a time of weakness, I eat a fatty food and apply that same message towards myself. My self-hate deepens, as I hold myself to very high (unreachable) standards.

When I recognize my values being very rigid, I must take a step back, deep breath, and tell myself to chill out. I remind myself that we are all human, no one is perfect. At this point, I have to try to bring myself out of the steep self-hate slope. That's my personal experience (one aspect, anyway). I do have BPD (borderline personality disorder), but that's true. On the border of one mood to another.

Shez

[mum2four]

The diagnoises of BPD does not fully make sence to me thats all......Not only that but changed the way the Dr's at the clinic started to deal with me.....Also my moods changes have been controlled with just anti-D meds and I was told by my last T who diagnoised me that it would take up to 10y of intensive therapy including group therapy to change the way I was......When I was with my last T I did blame the relationship issues on me but I know now it was my fault I did not do anything mean or have high expections I did not try to control people or push my thoughts on to them I was never explosive or violent like all the information say's......I have no problem with being labbled BPD if I can get a T to explain why he thinks it is me. I agree theres a lot of stuff that fits and it would explain alot but from everything I have read and that lots I'm confused so I'm kinda looking for a honerst and true account of BPD behaviour from people with BPD not for a diagnoises. from everything I read from people with BPD there explosive behaviour and there normally have low tollerance to deal with behaviours. I have a very high tollerance for dealing with behaviours I deem negative I ignore all my negative thoughts that impose on my self for years and year with a person before I could not longer tolerate dealing with them. The intemitten stormy side of the friendship all were about real issues that would have hurt any one feelings and it proberly would have effected other people sooner than it got to me. My partner is great with people and even agrees that I should not have put up with kinds of behaviours my so called friend did to me. For example one of them told my partner that I had cheated on him, what was I supose to say "Oh thank you very much thats a funny joke" lol Another friend started smoking dope in front of my kids and refused to take it to her room, was I supose to say" yaya get my kids stoned." Yer I had minor fights but I was always the one to forgive first I was alway the one that did all the phone calls to talk to them. I was the one that leant them money they could never lend me money, i was the one thay pulled out of plans with to go with a better friend, they never came to my kids b;days and if they did thay stayed for 5min you dont do that kids it just not fair to them..I was the one that threw the surprise partys no one eva threw me a surprise party. I was the one that got people present that saids something about them to show I knew them well. I never expected anything in return and when they finally did the worst thing a friend could do eg try to get my kids taken from me cause they accused me off neglect for not being in the exact same room of the house with my kids, or try to make the only person that has eva loved me for who I am bad and good parts leave me with lies....what was I meant to do I dont think I'm BPD mainly because I feel that I just cant pick thr right people to be friends with..... If that in its self is a BPD behaviour then maybe but I'm sure there plenty of people out there that cant find nice friends. Is a person that pick lousy boy friends BPD cause thats what I do but in stead of boy friends it just friends I terrable with.

i would just like to hear some stories from people with BPD. The one Shez said aboutthe fatty food sound simular to what I do with people NOW but not when I in high school being teased by every single person in the school at some point or another I was the person that got her chair kicked in class I was the person that got threaten to be beaten on at least once a week, i was the person that bullys loved cause I cryed easy I learnt to laugh at them and it got better but it did not stop. My first and only friend lasted 17y till my OCD kicked in big time over less than $1 and the argument spiraled out of control cause 17y of OCD thoughts just spilling out of my mouth I did know it was OCD at that time. Did not find out for at least 5 more years. Had my OCD not have kicked in over the small amount of money I prety sure I would still be letting friends like that walk all over me. While I dont think the friendships were healthy I dont agree with the way I dealt with the friends to end the friendship......I did not feel in control of what was coming out of my mouth and was going threw my head. That has prety much stopped since going on a high does of Anti-D/OCD meds. My new T say is not me its the area I live in he would love me to move to a different area cause he beleaive that would be a healthy invironment but I'm scared to move out of what I know. In the area I'm in I'm the richer person I on my way to owning my house I have nice stuff and can remind my self of where I came from and how far I made it up the economic ladder in a better area I would be the one the less expensive house the one with less things in the house the one people look down on. How do I stay postive about how far I come by my self if I no longer can see where I come from..Plus I'm scared I'm not good enough for people in better area's. I scared that I be looked down apon. I should not care really cause being the richer person in the area does not make me popular it make the enemy. A target to get angry at because I'm seen to be a show off when I dont show off I just manage my money really well. I love to share my knolage to people and my flast friend asks me for tips on how I manage to get everything I get. I think that part of the problem with one of the friends that I had faling out with thay use to earn more than us but had less than use to show for it. They still earn more than us and started out with owning a home and car and now are paying a morgage and car payments cause thay live above there means. I no a show off by no stretch of the imagintation but people seem to feel the need to compeate with me or show off anything new to me its frustrating. Even my mum use to compete with me I'd bye some thing she'd buy the same but better. I once told a friend what my dreams for live were and since then she has done all the things I said I was aiming for. I said I wanted a 2 story house she got one I said I wanted a fue other things and she got them cant remember what thay were now but its so frustrating to see a person who cheats on welfare do every one of dreams and to do it before you and invite you to an event to show it off after not talking to you months or some time years. I dont think I'm paranoide but I still tell my self to ignore it thats its just is the way it is.....This person still provokes the worst feeling inside pf me when I hear her name or that shes showing off again and want us to be there. I hate that she has effect on me she not worth the effort and the draning feeling that I get fighting off MY OCD obsession about her.

[ECHOES]

These are all very good things to be sorted out, explored, and learned about in therapy so life can feel much better.

[mum2four]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

These are all very good things to be sorted out, explored, and learned about in therapy so life can feel much better.

I've been talk to my T about friemdships and what I stuggle with and why he has said a fue time with a smile, "thats your OCD" or something to that effect. He so nice I dont think I have ever seen an expression a negative expression on his face eva even when I tell him I cant do things. With my last T I remeber telling him I dont feel like love my mum and that I was not even sure of what love really was I am was very and still am very confused about emotions and I dont understand how I can think I'm feeling one way and people react or make comments that seem contradict what I'm trying to express, my T has even made a comment about aspergers in relation to thoes knids of problems, but he's more thinking its my OCD. I just obsess about everything I feel like I need to understand and if I CANT understand I just cant seem to make my self do something example maths i struggled in maths only because I keep wanting to WHY about the strangest things, teacher use to get anoyed with me and tell me I was being silly, I love math I did very well in math till I got to year 11 and the need to know WHY really kick in to over drive. I could never do numbered question out of order if I was stuck on question 2 and the teacher told me to go the next queestion I could NOT do I just did not make sence to me the words did not sink in the problem/question made no sence to me i may as well have been in a different lauguage lol. My head has alway flashes the most horriable images at me not just one every now and then like a slide show of pictures so fast it was hard to see most of them, but they were there some times as intence as person standing in front off me and almost everytime making me anxious with out really knowing why..I think the reason why my mood changed so often was because of the images in my head not because of BPD, I mean the images were almost alway there and when people tryed to interact with me I was not only dealing with the real person standing next to me but I had my head flashing these images try to imagin talking to some one but there another person constantly putting picture right in front of your face, or imagin trying to concentrate on a person while you in say movie theater and your so close to the screan that you only see the screan not the edges and there person in front of you that is talking to you and behind them is a really fast slide show of picture bad, good, ok, really scary picture flashing so fast that you barly have time to really see every picture fully you just know it did not make you feel good to see it for some reason eg you saw flash of lots of blood the in anther image you caught a glimps of trees, in another images your eye caught a glims of you hitting some one. When I was child/teen this did not feel right to me but I truly thought every one had this happening to them I thought I was the only one that could not deal with it. It was not untill my medication took the images away that I realised wow there meant to be there really so no normal person has them its still feel strange to not have them but I'm sure controlliing my moods a LOT better now cause I no longer have intence images, as a child I thought I was delusional but I did not understand at the time what I grew to understand. I could always seperate my images from what was really happening in reality, I alway knew they were in my head like day dreaming, I often reacted with fear to the images but I knew that images were in head and just images but they still produced an intence reation as if it was about to happen eg if I got a flash image of a ball comeing at me I would some time put my hands up to protect my self of close my eye's, but the instant I reacted I also realised I did not need to react as it was in my head. This got really intence with cars specially after a some minor accidents, we'd be driving (I dont drive) and tence up cause I just just got intence images of different ways we could crash and different ways I could hurt if we crashed. This was really distracting to my partner who was driving to me I felt I had to sit in the back passanger seat I felt safe there and got less images there. I would NOT let anyone sit there and if they did I would looes it compleatly as kid this just seemed like a child wanting it her way but to me trying to put me in a different seat was like saying you wanted me to get hurt. I could never tell my mum thats why I reacted the way i did. It took me years to allow my self to sit in the front passanger seat, but I sure did gladly give it up to anyone who wanted it over me. In recent years I even got over my fear of the driver seat but I still get anxious. As kids I never even played in the front seat and most of my life I never let my kids anywhere near the drivers seat in my head it fealt I was protecting my kids but I way really just letting the images have control over me. Just yesterday I snapped several times at my 5y son for getting the front seat and touching the stearing wheel, logicly I know there little he can do if i dont let him start the car and the park brack is one ect, but it still produce's an instant emotional reaction when i see just one negative image in my head. I have to tell my self he's having fun I can protect him in plenty of other ways, but it takes a lot of self control to allow him to pretend to be the driver and I can normall onlu let him do it for short intervals or my anxiety gets the better of me and I can allow my self to take my feeling out on my kids so I distract him with some thing different to do that does not provoke as many images......I use to beleaive that the images (specially the ones with strong feeling) were a safty thing letting me know I was putting my kids in danger but deap down I knew that was not true couse I ignore many of them from time to time and nothing bad happened to my kids. I had more trouble beleaiveing that images of me hurting my kids were not a warning they went against everything I beleaive in as a parent but I just could not trust my self NOT to make it happen, I could not convince my self I really was not sort of mum even thoe I had never done anything remotly like my head was showing me. I managed to hid this from my partner for over 10y I did not tell him I had this going on inside my head NO ONE knew my mum still does not know she wont let me tell her she changes the subject. When I try to explain my OCD to people thay either say or act in a way that makes think thay think I'm crazy, insane, need a padded cell. People think OCD is this very visable, noticable, disorder but from the out side I am just stubborn and moody on the inside I was screaming for my head to give me a brack leave me alone for while.

I think I stuggle more now that I know its OCD, but while getting better seem scary and hard for ME it sure seems to have had a dramatic impact my abilty to not make people think I'm insane or hyper, stubborn, and plenty of other issues have improved as well. In general people seem to be more relaxed around ME but I still dont feel relaxed around people, and as soon as I have OCD epsiode people start to look at me funny but I'm more capable of saying sorry its my OCD some times a take a 1/4 of sedative and that give me just enough control to fight threw the episode it calms my thinking it brack the solid wall that making things hard for me.

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by mum2four

...I have read and that lots I'm confused so I'm kinda looking for a honerst and true account of BPD behaviour from people with BPD not for a diagnoises. from everything I read from people with BPD there explosive behaviour and there normally have low tollerance to deal with behaviours. I have a very high tollerance for dealing with behaviours I deem negative I ignore all my negative thoughts that impose on my self for years and year with a person before I could not longer tolerate dealing with them. The intemitten stormy side of the friendship all were about real issues that would have hurt any one feelings and it proberly would have effected other people sooner than it got to me...

For me, I can see that things developed in my childhood. My immediate and extended family members were very unhealthy. My goal in life, at that time, was to be simply accepted and loved by family. I always had a very hard time making friends...probably due to my desperation and paranoia of being left alone (or hurt in some way). Therefore, I took anyone I could get as friends ~ hoping that they would then be nice to me. People treated me like crap, because I felt like crap. It was as though I had a big target on my forehead or something!

We'd move on to another town, a year later, only to repeat that cycle. Over and over, throughout my entire childhood. As soon as I could, I began avoiding school at all costs ~ skipping a week in 3rd grade was merely a beginning of worsening. I soon mastered forging notes dismissing me from school, and used my unusually low body temperature as a frequent release from school.

Despite my desperation to make new friends, hard work, acceptance of others, I was always an outcast. Heck, I'm still an outcast! I've always wanted to avoid that intense pain & loneliness that follows me. What I've learned is I had a lot of stuff going on throughout my life. Most of it is not my fault. I was young and innocent. I was used and hurt deeply by others, in critical periods of development. Due to my crazy family mistrust and lack of support, I never gained strength and self-like. Never developed self-worth; due to abuse, mixed messages, and being ignored. My rearview mirror is filled with traumas ~ and I have to remind myself verbally that it was not my fault. I did not, and do not, deserve this pain! That said, it is here, and I am working on the huge task of acceptance. I'm not even close to that phase, but that is what I need to do in order to become a happier & healthier person.

Hope that my explanation helps you understand where I'm coming from. Best wishes to you, really!

Shez

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((( mum2four ))))))))))