[Abby]

I've shut down my life over the past year and a half. The main reason was that I had a very difficult final year at university. I struggled to complete my degree whilst in a deep depression, and I also had a good (best?) friend that slowly became uninterested in carrying on her friendship with me (for unknown reasons), and another friend who was so emotionally dependent I felt I was being strangled by her neediness.

So I felt a big big urge to push it/them all away. I left uni, moved back to my home city (not a particually wise move) and became a reclusive. I harbour so much hatred towards the people i know from university because I feel they took, took, took and didn't ever see how badly I was struggling. The only person that i could rely on during that bad time was my sister. This has created a massive barrier between the other people I used to be friends with because I cannot interact with them as i used to (when i do). And I feel that there is a huge disconnection between the me now and the me i used to be. How can i being truly friendly with these people when I am no longer the same person? The little 'friendship' i have left with a few people is basically one big lie, i smile and laugh and pretend to be interested in them, but honestly i feel burnt.

I really would like friends but despite being quite capable of making them, the minute people start asking me to meet up with them I want to push them far, far away and I feel quite sick. It isn't because i'm socially anxious, but the idea of getting into a friendship with someone only for it to be taken away from me for no understandable reason, or worse, for them to become so clingy I can barely breathe, is truly terrifying!

I always seem to attract emotionally needy people, and the ones that are emotionally healthy seem to push me away, eventually. Honestly I don't trust people anymore, and i certainly don't trust my ability to maintain friendships. Why does this keep happening to me? It makes me lonely.

[ECHOES]

Abby, I'm sorry you are struggling.
It sounds like you are hoding a grudge against the people from uni because they didn't "guess" that you were struggling then.
It could be they didn't know if you didn't discuss it directly with them.
It might be interesting to explore what it is you wanted from them at that time.
It might also be interesting to explore what happens that begins the need for you to push others away. What is happening? What are you feeling? What fears are arising?

You don't want to be lonely. I'm wondering if you could participate in some group activities (church, community, etc) to have people around you that you could learn to trust at your own pace. Also if you might want to see if a therapist could help you sort out what happens that causes the process of making friends derail for you.

[Perna]

Maybe now that you are finished with stressful uni, you could try a little therapy for your depression and concentrate on feeling better for yourself? Maybe that would help some of your feelings of disappointment with friends you use to have or what will happen in the future if you make new ones.

[ECHOES]

Perna has a great idea!

[Abby]

Echos and Perna,

Yes, I am holding a grudge against them. I know it is a very childish thing to do but i'm so hurt that they didn't help me and also so angry at myself for always appearing to be okay and yet punishing myself to be able to do it. They didn't realise how much effort and pain it took to appear semi-normal, and i do begrudge them that i did all that to stop them feeling awkward when actually they would never give me the same amount of effort back. I wanted them to care. Okay, some did care but only when things were very bad, the rest of the time they didn't even bother to ask.

I don't know it is all very complicated. I don't want to be lonely but i don't want to have friends either. But i do. Urg, I don't know what i want anymore. I am in therapy but it hasn't been overly helpful to be honest except to realise what an irritation i am! I know i need to talk about these issues but sometimes i confuse myself, and then she confuses me further and i end up feeling even more isolated plus feeling like total idiot for not understanding what she said.

The idea of concentrating on what makes me feel better is an alien concept to me. I mean i'm very self-indulgent so its not that i don't know how but i do so many self-destructive things that make me 'feel better' but aren't actually helpful. And again i don't know what will make me feel better. I'm totally lost and confused!

Hello, Abby. What one small thing can you do today that would help you feel less lost and confused?

[ECHOES]

Abby, it can be useful if you can notice that you are holding a grudge, without judging it. There is so much to explore there and learn about. Doing that with a therapist is really interesting.

[Junerain]

What kind of self destructive things do you do to make you feel better in the short term, but blind to the long term? For me, it is being involved with people sexually, overeating, and overspending.....once I see past the short term, to the long term, I see the things I have to change to create a healthier ME

You deserve the best in this life, we all do, and it seems you were taken advantage of, as I was by friends too, I feel if you have big heart this happens


Perhaps your 'rejecting' friendly advances to hang out feels good and puts you more in control in the SHORT TERM, whereas taking folks up on the offer and risking it and agreeing to go out with them (with your guard up, at first...!) may actually benefit you in the LONG RUN......I built up many friendships SLOWLY- by agreeing to meet up back ten years ago, took time but these friendships from my mid twenties and now blossoming

You said your sister is helpful to you, can you relate and expect others to be like your sister??

[Abby]

TheByzantine - i've been giving your question some thought and despite you only asking about what one small thing i can do, i simply don't have an answer. What do you do? What do other people do?

Echos - yeh there is more to this than a simple 'i hate you' feeling although that is what i really, really want to try and make myself feel! But honestly i feel stuck because i still (pathetically) want them to like me even though/if i treat them 'badly'. So i walk a really thin line between all out severing the ties and keeping them still liking me. You're right, I should talk to my therapist about this at some point.

Junerain - I am finding it hard to write down what self destructive things i do...i don't think i could stand to see it written in black and white in front of me right now. But i can understand your self destructive pattern. I find it difficult to see past the short term when i'm so angry/depressed/hurt because the long term becomes irrelevant...how do you manage? I think i'm really sensitive so i pick up on cues that most people won't and i'm drawn into quite needy, dependent friendships where i end up having the life sucked out of me(!!)....and those that aren't needy i guess i feel unwanted because they're not dependent on me. If that makes any sense!
You're right i do 'reject' people because it makes me more in control. I am so scared of getting friendly with someone only for them to walk away from me, or for me to be emotionally exhausted by their needs. I can't seem to find any middle ground...

I love my sister because we have an equal give/take friendship.

Abby, put your arms around yourself and tell yourself you are a valuable, lovable person.

((((((((( Abby ))))))))))