[bpd2]

Have any of you had/do any of you have a therapist in a divorce?

It's knocking me for a loop.

I don't even know for sure how I knew. But I did. He certainly didn't tell me, and he was flabbergasted that I knew: "Just from my not mentioning my wife, you knew that?? Well, of course you did...."
Because I have bpd and I know what everything he says means even before he says it! (lol)

Now, it's been at least a year, and I asked him the other day, after he'd said something insightful, "Oh--are you in therapy now?" He laughed, answered no and THEN said, "And I'm not dating one, either."

YIKES! EEEEEEK! I HATE thinking about him dating......One of the things that has sustained me at times was what I imagined to be the stability of his own life, family, marriage....And he does value family SO highly, especially commitment to children.

I guess two things freak(ed) me out: that his life was in a huge upheaval over something he valued so much; and that now he wasn't who I thought he was.......weirdly, it feels like a betrayal.

I feel like his divorce has changed our relationship. It is impossible to talk to him about it....incredibly intrusive. When I very tentatively tried once, huge flash of anger: My marriage is none of your business!"

Well of course it's not!!! But the effects of my jolted sense of who he is, is my business.

Any similar experiences? Advice?

[Perna]

Maybe it's good that he got divorced and you are experiencing what you are experiencing. It's hard to figure out what's "ours" and what's another person's. Your jolted sense is certainly your business but that's a two-edged sword since it's coming from you, entirely.

What happens in his life is not part of you and what you are working on in your life. You feel what you feel based on past jolting, not anything coming from him; all you know about him is facts; he was married and now he's divorced.

Imagine if he was some guy you see on the street and the friend you're walking with says, "that guy was married a year before but got divorced since". Yes, it might impact what you thought of him if you met him but that shouldn't impact your life and what you are doing, thinking, working through. Learning to make those subtle differentiations (so we don't over-identify with others and get triggered by their circumstances/stories) so you "stay" you when interacting with other people is the heart of what therapy is about, to me.

[bpd2]

Exactly so, Perna....I really appreciate your post.

Sometimes I wish he were "some guy on the street"! LOL, LOL

It shouldn't impact what I think of him...

That nasty, prickly should...

His office is at his house--separate, but connected. I've seen his ex-wife, we've spoken several times, chatted about shoes, made a couple of jokes....her car was almost always there...I would see her through a window at her computer...there were pictures of her and their family on his mantle....all gone now. And she took the cat that used to come in and wander around and sit with us sometimes.

It's good to think of this as a step I can take in therapy: using what I have learned, practice it on this, on my own.

[bpd mess]

I sounds like you have a handle on it logically. Here's a hug for the non-logical part that gets hurt.

[cluelessgluten]

I am in no position to offer advise but I will say I have noticed that I am very sensative to the emotions of others and notice things that others over look. even when someone says things are ok I can tell they're not telling the truth and something is bothering them. I think BPDrs are just more sensitive to minor changes in peoples behavior and emotions that others over look. once again that is just my opinion.

[bpd2]

And then...we feel guilty about "knowing" things we shouldn't....But it's impossible not to know what you know.

Or do we know?

[kalisha36]

Awee this would be so hard for me...I dunno I can see my own T's face and ugg I would hate to know some thing like that...I think that sometimes we can just be so damn compassionate that it's hard to separate and have those boundaries oh wait BPD huh? Seriously we just meet in a shared office that is not here personal office but even when like I know something personal has happened just cuz a phone call I see it in her face, my stomach get's tied up and I feel I should leave and she should go home and take care of business. Or there have been times were she makes sure that I am the last client and let's me know that her kids are sitting out there and it's okay and I won't even look at them I wont break boundary issues even though she trust me!! It's so hard...So this is huge... Sounds like your doing an awesome job though Sorry for babbling arg.........

[bpd2]

A good lesson for me in this experience is that, for the first time, I get it about a boundary not being a rejection....One of the things I've really battled is that any boundary makes me feel rejected--even if I don't like the person, lol. For the first time, I feel like the boundary is perfectly appropriate, not something he is setting up because of bpd, but a real-world boundary.

(I'm sure many other of the boundaries are real-world, too....I haven't experienced them that way, though.)