Death shakes a bpd to the core

I have been struggling sooo much lately. Depression, family violence etc........ Big break from t. I feel like I have been just barely limping along. I had the day off from work and I didn't leave my house except for therapy at noon and then to an eye doctor appointment at 5.

As I was waiting in the Drs. office I was reading the paper and saw that a mother of two of my friends (actually 3 good friends brother/sister and wife) from high school unexpectantly passed away last Friday. She was only 61 and it was terribly unexpected. I feel sooo sad for them. It was a shock. I have been out of town for the last 3 days and had not heard anything.

It also strikes fear deep within my heart. Something that I can not describe; the terror that I feel about who I may lose next in my life. The abandonment and death issues are so scary I can not even bring them up to my t. I try to not ever think about it and when I do I bury it so deep because it takes my breath away.

This just triggered me so much. It unleashed the borderline beast inside of me. I feel terrible for my friends and on top of it all it just makes me all tore up inside. I can not explain nor can I live with it.

Even before The Golden Compass series, I thought of our beings as energy; and when we die we become scintillating particles that swirl, drift, combine with others, recombine, coalesce...or drift in the beauty that they are.

I can fall back on that when I am very lonely and very afraid: that we are intimately connected by virtue of this shared and separate nature.

I don't know if it's good or bad to see living things that way, but I am so confused by humans so much of the time, that it is a relief to think that they break down into essence when they die...and that it is the essence that is beautiful and profound. Otherwise, I cannot bear to think of death, either: I rush to this story I tell myself--one I hope is true, and that there is, after all, some evidence for....(gee...that always reassures me: the good old tape and measure.)

I can only relate in the instance that a very good friend of mine had a brother very recently who had been having issues. He had said that he was suicidal and never had any serious attempts in fact he said this many times. So when he told his ex-wife again she ignored it. ((((TRIGGER)))) So when my very good friend his sister had not heard from him the very next day after this last threat of his intentions they went looking for him and filed a police report. Well they found him before the police did. He carried thru with this last attempt. I sat there stunned...Sick just reeling in my own whirling thoughts of my friend that was relaying me this awful tragedy of what was happening to this dear friend of ours! It scares me too! The awful emptiness. I have just went inside big time...I understand. Today my 16 year old dog at a little past 9am was laid to rest....It was peaceful for him but heart breaking for us. Another reason to see life leave another person in my family I luv so dearly (it was the humane thing to do) however to hold him and not want to let go neither I nor my husband and howl over the loss even as I type this.......I understand that nothing seems sure in this world, nor is it....However all we can do is love our best to what we have and hope the same in return right? I am sorry that your going thru these heart wrenching emotions....I think I understand? if safe?

I am so sorry for you both, Kacey and Kalisha. Such huge losses. Sometimes it helps to look at the stages of grief. I like it that they are both emotion-mind and rational-mind. The facts of grief, but such compassion.