[Martina]

Self-sabotage is one of my worst traits. Whenever things start to go really GOOD in my life, I F it all up again. It's like I won't allow myself to be happy.

I lost 50 pounds in 2010, but I've been stalled since October. Plateau. And it's not a physical plateau....I've given up. I'm fully expecting I might gain it all back, maybe 100. I'm incapable of getting to a healthy weight.

I can't stay at a job for more than 2 years. I get bored, feel like my skills aren't being used, and then I do something to screw it all up. I've only been fired once, but I've had to quit because I made things too uncomfortable. And right this moment, I'm on the internet at work. They monitor it. I could get fired. It's like I don't give a crap.

We get really good at paying off our debt, saving up money, and then I go and call in sick to work (unpaid) or spend a lot of money, and mess it all up again.

I just started DBT but it's going slow. I guess I'm inpatient. I've been in therapy for 3 long years, but never done DBT.

Any of you been able to stop your self-sabotage? How?

[Moanie]

Originally Posted by Martina

Self-sabotage is one of my worst traits. Whenever things start to go really GOOD in my life, I F it all up again. It's like I won't allow myself to be happy.

I lost 50 pounds in 2010, but I've been stalled since October. Plateau. And it's not a physical plateau....I've given up. I'm fully expecting I might gain it all back, maybe 100. I'm incapable of getting to a healthy weight.

I can't stay at a job for more than 2 years. I get bored, feel like my skills aren't being used, and then I do something to screw it all up. I've only been fired once, but I've had to quit because I made things too uncomfortable. And right this moment, I'm on the internet at work. They monitor it. I could get fired. It's like I don't give a crap.

We get really good at paying off our debt, saving up money, and then I go and call in sick to work (unpaid) or spend a lot of money, and mess it all up again.

I just started DBT but it's going slow. I guess I'm inpatient. I've been in therapy for 3 long years, but never done DBT.

Any of you been able to stop your self-sabotage? How?

Dear Martina,

I am 58 years old and I understand exactly what you are saying. I have been sabotaging so many things in my life. I have been married 5 times and finally found someone who understands me and makes me feel good and helps me to understand myself. I have him all my cards for clothing accounts and it has helped tremendously. I like to spend but it does not fill an emptiness inside.

I never lost a job because I am a very competent worker and being as Estate Agent gives me the chance to use my impatience to an advantage. I speak well but know when not to let go of a prospective buyer and will make sure I find them a property, either to purchase or to lease. I used to work for large companies in the same field since 1978 and 3 years ago I decided to work for myself and I answer to myself. When I am frustrated, I put on soothing music and am learning to control many things that I do. I actually for the first time in my life am taking responsibility for what I say to people which may hurt them (though I do not intentionally want to hurt them), and I am really looking at myself. I know I will never get better, but controlling myself is a huge step. I will end off, but I do have so much to say.

I wish you well, and I would possibly suggest you look at the positive side of life ( I am only finding that out now). It is worth a try.

Kind regards

Moanie

[PleaseHelp]

Self-sabotage seems to be my fortea (sorry for spelling). I get in a good relationship or job and feel like its going too good and find ways to make it not work. I think this has to do with the fact that feeling good is uncomfortable for me. Not my usual, so I go back to what is usual. I am really trying to fight that. I have also given my check card to my bf and we discuss what I'm going to buy before he gives it to me and then I give it right back. B/c I know I'll overspend, normally not meaning to.

I agree with Moanie. You need to try and look at the positives. I know that can be very tough. Its something I struggle with. I have found that (for me) if someone keeps telling me I'm good at something or that I'm loving, they are probably right. So I have started repeating those things to myself when the negative thoughts come in. I may not believe them at first, but hopefully with time I will start to believe them.

Keep posting. Sending you gentle hugs.

[Ygrec23]

Hey, Martina!

Great subject. Probably a subject that the great majority of members here on PC can relate to. I certainly can. I discover every day different ways in which I've self-sabotaged my life, and that's a pretty long period of time. I do have a T, and I do share with her all my realizations about self-sabotage. The only thing that I've found really works to stop (or minimize) the self-sabotage is becoming conscious of it, to know what I'm doing at all times, and to relate this kind of behavior to my early childhood. As I've found (for me, not necessarily for you), most of my self-sabotage has to do with things that went wrong when I was a little child. And because of those things I thought I was a bad person and had to punish myself. And all those self-sabotaging incidents relate back to that: I'm punishing myself for being a bad child when I was one or two. And of course, I wasn't a bad child, I just blamed myself for my mother's lack of attention to me. So, that kind of understanding makes it easier and easier from month to month to not do the kind of self-sabotage you describe. My idea is that self-sabotage is really self-punishment. When you realize that you were not then and are not now a bad person, it's easier to stop doing it. Take care!

[Atypical_Disaster]

I still struggle with self-sabotage at times. It has gotten better in recent years, though I will say that I have had DBT for four out of the five years that I have been in therapy. I've found DBT to be extremely helpful with most of my BPD issues, I hope that you can stick it out and get some good results from it.

For now, I would encourage you to think about when these thoughts/actions of self-sabotage come up for you. Analyzing when you're taking part in a certain self-destructive behavior is very useful for figuring out the "why" behind the behavior and hopefully putting something healthier in its place. A good place to start is just by reading back over this post. Obviously, a major trigger for your self-sabotage is when things start going well for you. So maybe something to think about is what maybe frightens you about your life going well?

Ramble up ahead, if this next part of my post doesn't make sense I'm very sorry!

I don't know if this is the case for you, but in my case I'll often want to sabotage myself when my life is going well because I feel like if *I* don't mess up my life... something else is going to inevitably happen and screw everything up anyway. So if I am the one that messes things up, then no one else can mess it up before I do and I still have control over the situation. Control is a huge part of it for me, if I don't feel in control of everything going on in my life things like self-sabotage and other forms of self-destruction instantly flare up for me.

I get scared of getting hurt if my life is going well because I figure something will eventually happen to mess it all up again, so if I'm the one that messes it up... at least I am a master of my own destruction.(I know that's a bit... well, not good... but that's how I think, it's a hard thought pattern to break!) Again, I don't know if this is the case for you at all... I'm just throwing thoughts out there in case something might be helpful. I do apologize if I'm rambling on!

I hope that things start improving for you soon... good luck, and keep posting if it helps. Take care.

[lotusflames]

sympathise!

I have never had the same job at the same compay for more than 2 years for the same reason. i'm coming up 2 years in my current role and i'm scared shitless!

[shezbut]

(((martina)))

I have a very hard time admitting this tendency of mine. It's so much easier to lay blame on everyone else!

Kudos to you for recognizing that you bring a lot of injury on to yourself ~ through inactivity and giving up trying. I honestly believe that your ability to see this in yourself, and admit it, shows that you've come to see yourself in a different light. Which is emotional growth!

I've been in DBT myself. It was over one year ~ I went through the cycle twice. My second time going through is when I was able to put more thought and insight in daily life, and apply the various techniques recommended to help me make it through tough times. It takes time to adapt. Some people picked DBT techniques up quickly (they're in the minority) but most of us had to go twice before we started feeling better. And then there was another minority of people who weren't ready to make the committment in their lives.

It is a committment. It does take time to fully grasp the core skills discussed & apply those skills to your daily life. Even those who've been actively praticing DBT for many years don't always make the best decisions. The difference is being willing to admit that one didn't make a wise decision because they simply didn't want to (felt too emotional, lazy, whatever..). The point is that they are then willing to deal with the consequences of their inappropriate behavior (or words).

You'll catch on. Give yourself a break ~ Giving yourself a break is one of the biggest skills one can learn through DBT. Time and active practice ~ You'll get there!

[prov1717]

Martina,

First, know that you are not alone! For every one of us (including myself) who admits to self-sabotage exactly like you describe, there are countless more who struggle in silence right along with us.

Second, there are a couple of things about your post that remind me of things that sometimes help me when I'm engaging in those types of self-sabotaging behaviors. One is to remember that the self-sabotage won't last forever. Bear with me on this one. If you read the language of your post, you'll see that you're talking about times that come and go. So if you know that you will definitely pull out of the self-sabotage ditch that we all tend to run into from time to time -- and you WILL -- maybe you can feel a little less hopeless about feeling like you're in that ditch a bit now.

The other thing I'm reminded of is that we are not equal to our mistakes. I can feel the pain as I read your post because I recognize the depth of devastation that causes a person to take such ownership of her struggles as to become one with them. Words like "Whenever . . . I F it all up again" and "I won't allow myself to be happy" and "I've given up" and "I'm incapable" and "I can't" are such heavy, burdening words, and you don't have to carry them! You are not your mistakes; each day that you struggle to learn, each day that you ask what you could do differently, is the birth of a new you, a you who is worthy of being given every opportunity for peace and happiness.

So if I were looking at myself in the mirror in this situation, I would say these things: 1) This, too, shall pass; 2) You are not your mistakes (you're so much more); and 3) Take a rest while you give the DBT a chance to work.

Big, warm hugs!

Rhonda

[FooZe]

There isn't currently anything in my life that I'm calling self-sabotage and there hasn't been for quite a while. Back when I did think in terms of sabotaging myself, it was never very clear to me what I was doing. What it generally looked like was, it was important (or at least a good idea) for me to be doing A but I'd find myself doing B instead. I couldn't seem to come up with a satisfactory reason for why I was doing B instead of A so I'd wonder, "Is this what they call self-sabotage or something? How come, even though I know what I'm supposed to be doing, I can't get myself to do it? Am I nuts? For that matter, how come there's always so much stuff I'm supposed to be doing that I don't like to do?" I seldom liked doing homework, and there were lots of people reminding me I was supposed to do my homework. I loved going camping but there was hardly anyone telling me I was supposed to go camping.

Nowadays I tend to take a very different view. Whenever I'm not sure what I should choose to do, I watch and see what I do do. For instance, suppose it's morning and I could get out of bed right now or sleep for another hour -- which one should I choose? Who cares! An hour from now, we'll know which one I actually did choose.

Originally Posted by Martina

Whenever things start to go really GOOD in my life, I F it all up again.

I'd like to know how you actually experience that. For instance, do you sometimes find yourself thinking, "Uh-oh! Things are starting to go well! It's bringing up stuff for me that I'm not comfortable with. I can see that the only way to get relief will be to **** it up."

Or is it more like: a month ago you said you were going to lose weight, clean the house, and get rich. Now you notice that you weigh a little more, the house is a little messier, and you're a little poorer. When someone asks you what happened (or you ask yourself), you don't seem to have a good answer so you say, "Gee, I don't know. I must've sabotaged myself or something."

In other words, how real is it for you? Is it something you're aware of doing when you're doing it, or do you just infer at some point that you must have done it?

When I find myself trying to make something happen and it just isn't happening, there are about three things I can think of doing:

1. Try harder. The usual result for me is that I'm trying harder than ever to make something happen and it still isn't happening.

2. Get away. I go do something entirely different for a while, then take a fresh look at whatever I was trying to do. For instance, when I used to do carpentry occasionally, I'd regularly find myself making the same kinds of mistakes over and over. I might notice, for instance, that I'd always end up cutting a piece of wood about 1/16" longer than I meant to. Next time I'd try to allow for that -- and it would still end up 1/16" over. For whatever reason, I'd end up doing no carpentry at all for about six months and when I'd resume, it would be as if I'd been away from it for so long that I'd forgotten to make my usual mistakes. Somehow I'd measure and cut a little differently from before, and the piece would end up the length I wanted.

3. Try doing the opposite. I can remember one time when I'd been struggling for weeks not to feel bad about myself but I still felt bad about myself -- worse than ever, in fact, because now I could also feel bad about not being able to stop. The heck with it, I said. If I'm unable to make myself feel better, am I at least able to make myself feel worse? I stopped trying to feel better and started trying to feel worse -- and it didn't seem to make a bit of difference. "You mean..." (I said to myself) "... I can give up struggling to make myself feel better because no matter what I do, I'm just going to feel whatever way I feel?!"

I lost 50 pounds in 2010, but I've been stalled since October. Plateau. And it's not a physical plateau....I've given up. I'm fully expecting I might gain it all back, maybe 100. I'm incapable of getting to a healthy weight.

I'm only half kidding here: if I were ever to decide that I wanted to gain some weight slowly and painfully, what I'd do would be to announce that I was going to lose X number of pounds in the next Y months, enlist everyone I knew to nag me to reach my goal, and then put myself on a diet that included lots of carrot sticks and such. I figure that the occasional binging I'd be sure to do would gain me about 10% more weight than the carrot sticks took off. Seriously, when I'm not trying to lose weight, I don't tend to gain weight either. It must be close to five years since I last pulled the scale out from under my bed, and my clothes still fit me.

[smileytown]

Wow. I do so much of the same thing. I am TRYING to get better, and I am making progress. and then my life starts to get better, and as a result I start to try new things and I freak out, because I am not where I want to be (ex I don't have as many friends, or why am I not at this level at work or school..) and then I start to HATE myself and punish and go backwards. I might have had a boyfriend, but then I started cutting and acting unhealthy around him and telling myself I didn't have a chance. And now I think he may be seeing someone else and that kills me. I keep feeling like I have lost before I really begin and as a result I do lose. I feel like I am rambling. But I love you all.

[palemoss]

Originally Posted by smileytown

Wow. I do so much of the same thing. I am TRYING to get better, and I am making progress. and then my life starts to get better, and as a result I start to try new things and I freak out, because I am not where I want to be (ex I don't have as many friends, or why am I not at this level at work or school..) and then I start to HATE myself and punish and go backwards. I might have had a boyfriend, but then I started cutting and acting unhealthy around him and telling myself I didn't have a chance. And now I think he may be seeing someone else and that kills me. I keep feeling like I have lost before I really begin and as a result I do lose. I feel like I am rambling. But I love you all.

Dude I do the same thing too! It's like whenever I start feeling good, hanging out with friends again, dating I suddenly become a nut! And within 4 months revert back, sabotage almost everything with everyone and make it so that i have to hibernate and start all over. this includes gaining 10 lbs in a week, sending rude and offensive text msgs to every guy i ever slept with, and doing ridiculous acts in public places

what to do? at least we know NOW that we self sabotage.

[PleaseHelp]

Originally Posted by palemoss

Dude I do the same thing too! It's like whenever I start feeling good, hanging out with friends again, dating I suddenly become a nut! And within 4 months revert back, sabotage almost everything with everyone and make it so that i have to hibernate and start all over. this includes gaining 10 lbs in a week, sending rude and offensive text msgs to every guy i ever slept with, and doing ridiculous acts in public places

what to do? at least we know NOW that we self sabotage.

When I'm in a relationship and have been for a couple months and start to have that feeling like I'm going to sabotage, if I feel that the relationship is going somewhere and trust the person here is what I do: I tell the person I have some issues with pushing people I care about away before they can do it to me (explain a bit if needed) and ask them to not let me push them away. Of course I've done this when I feel I can trust the person and such. Example my current BF (it'll be 4 years soon), I told him after 3 months about a lot of my issues and that I will push, but its b/c I care and feel like I'm going to mess things up. I've pushed more than once and he's always said "you can push as much as you want but I'm not going anywhere." Now I don't do it as often, but sometimes still have the urge to. Just my opinion and what I know works for me.