BPD...Relationships...marriage..HELP!

My problem right now with this BPD has been relationships. I'm so indecisive. I'm married, but I have left him twice since 2007. He is a wonderful man who has stood by me and my problems. I was diagnosed with BPD the beginning of this year and have been in DBT since March of this year. When I left him last October I got an apartment convinced it was the right thing to do, thinking I wasn't in love with him anymore. I got involved with someone I knew from high school while we were seperated and than convinced I was in love with him.

I went back to my husband (who knew of this relationship and took me back anyway) in June convinced I was in love with him and the marriage will work out. Then the 'feelings' changed and I told him last week that I couldn't love him the way he deserved and didn't think we would work out. It has crushed him and I feel so guilty. I have had doubts about our marriage almost since we got married in 2004.

So the past week had been UNBEARABLE, crying, anxiety, he wouldn't even look at me.

As a side note I lost my job in September so now I'm scared out of my mind about getting a job, taking care of myself, money, losing my home, losing my husband forever....but than I have these intense doubts. I have doubts about everything. I think it may be part of the BPD where you don't have a strong sense of self, therefore don't know what is the right thing to do. I am in so much pain over this.

I have made alot of poor decisions ever since 2009 when my mom died--I watched her die and was told could have had some post traumatic stress. Since than for the first time in my life I have had extreme relationship problems with everyone from my father, sister, friends, colleagues.....I've repaired the majority of those relationships, I think. (?) I am making myself sick over it, I can't eat, lost like 10 lbs in 2 weeks, and am getting a cold now so I feel even worse. I know you all know the intense feelings we experience and I have been trying to at least regulate them so I can at least eat.

The emotion regulation didn't work, I broke down and cried to him, telling him I'll find a new doctor and can we go to marriage counseling. I'm so tired of myself, my not being able to love him the way he deserves, so scared of losing him, sooooo many fears......

Does anyone have indesiveness when it comes to relationships?

Thank you for listening.

I have been through almost the same thing. I married my husband in 2006, we had a baby right away. After having her I didn't think he was what I wanted we separated for 2 weeks got back together for 7 months then separated for 3 months, got back together for 3 months, separated again for 5 months and got back together and we have been back together for over 2 yrs now. Just a few months ago I got the same feelings again and it was a rough couple of weeks. We got through it but I constantly think "Is this the life I am supposed to be leading?" I love my kids but I have such internal issues that my marriage suffers. That's when I sought therapy and we are working through what it causing this. I go back with him for stability and normalcy for my kids sake. I don't have any advice but just so you know you aren't alone

Learning to live - like star child mentions your not alone. I haven't had as such a rocky relationship as others but i get the feelings of leaving my boyfriend - he is my first and we've been together for 2 and half years. I personally totter on if i'm what really he wants, what he expected, if he really loves me. And then also that he doesn't deserve the Crap i put him through and i can't love him the best and he deserves better. I talk alot with him- he assures me thou at times i feel That's illusion. Idk if i relate but i at times feel like a fool with him, with illusions of good he has done when i feel hurt. I feel he doesn't understand all the time, which then hurts and i feel alone then he'll do some thing sweet like go to a doc appt with me. As far as family and friends- don't think i personally mended much of those. Ppl still talk to me but i'm distant. I can be distant with my boyfriend too which is pushing him away. If none of that relates just know i do hope you the best and to be well. Take care of your self. My t told me that i need to find with in me self validation not from another. It was mentioned when i told her about leaving at times for good. Again i hope you well and hugs.

No words of wisdom here from me, but wanted to say I understand how you feel. I am indecisive also with this. Am in a similar situation.

I've been with my SO for 4 1/2 years. 2 years ago, I moved out for a month. I kept in contact with him almost every day. Last year, I left for a couple of days and thought about leaving for good. I know that I tend to push people away when they're getting "too" close. I have such intense fear, when things are going well. I now realize that both times that I left, I was having major BPD "flare ups." I have come to realize when I feel like pushing and fight hard no to. I'll tell him "I feel like pushing you and the girls (his kids) away." He just tells me "well I'm not going to let you. We need you and love you."

At times I do feel like him & the girls deserve better. Its at those times that I'm normally thinking in extremes and have to force myself to remember the good times and realize that these feelings will pass.

So I can relate to where your coming from. Hope it gets better for you.

I relate to you on so many levels. I am married to and have BPD as well. We have a baby together and my husband has BPD too. This has been the hardest thing I have EVER been through. I constantly question is the right thing to do? Can we have a healthy marriage when we are both sick? My biggest fear is that this will affect my daughter's self esteem. I just get so emotional that I don't eat, because I sit around and worry about the future ALL the time.

My new wife has been changing, so much so that I found myself googling "lack of empathy" in the middle of the night... and my heart sank when I came across BPD symptoms. It's her. I don't know what to do... she is talking children, but I need to be in love first...