[learningtoaccept]

I am having such a tough time in my relationship with my boyfriend. I get SO mad, so easily, and it feels at the time like it's justified and then I just feel stupid later. It goes similar each time. I get mad about something, and leave as fast as possible while acting really cold, and then I feel stupid the whole drive home and anxiety about my relationship ending builds and builds until we talk it over. OR, I get mad, and we have an argument over it. And then I feel like crap. And I always get so insecure about my relationship afterward that I become DESPERATE to fix what I started. And my boyfriend has started to pull away when I get this way, which means I am home trying to get a hold of him to fix it and probably come across completely clingy, which obviously would make him pull away more. It's at the point where if I get mad and storm out, he doesn't respond to texts or answer calls for a while. Which makes me EVEN MORE insecure, and I have panic attacks constantly until we fix things.

I am so sick of myself. I am so tired of fits of rage that I have no control over. It's always over childish things(bad sex? not getting sex? actually, it's often about sex and feeling rejected or unwanted). We have been seeing each other for 7 months, and we met 12 years ago(only got back in touch over facebook a couple years back). I was his first love and he was crazy about me and it drives me insane how much I have killed that. I want to fix things. SO BAD. How do I fix this? How do I get control over my anger? I want so bad to suggest couples counseling but I feel like it's too soon and if we ALREADY need counseling then maybe we should just break up. I tried to end things a couple weeks ago and he talked me out of it and begged me to stay with him. I don't want to be a crazy girlfriend.

PLEASE HELP.

Below are excerpts from the website of the last link within this response.I think that knowledge is power.I also have to ask if you have ever tried to put yourself in his shoes.People do things they know they shouldn't because they can.I have to say as tenderly as possible,that a healthy person will not continue to tolerate the dynamics of this relationship.You must begin to learn of what constitutes a healthy relationship.Look up push pull behavior.Hold your self accountable.

Anger in BPD is described as “inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).” their anger has a much longer duration than other people experience. patients are taught skills to help them better manage their anger and decrease angry outbursts. Other types of psychotherapy for BPD, including schema focused therapy, transference focused therapy and mentalization based therapy, target anger as well. coping with bpd anger BPD Romantic Relationships

http://bpd.about.com/od/understandingbpd/a/bpdanger.htm

[cboxpalace]

I get everything you write about. I'm much worse though because with me it can occur in relationships, as well as, close friendships. So I'll give you my opinions..

Originally Posted by learningtoaccept

I get SO mad, so easily, and it feels at the time like it's justified and then I just feel stupid later. It goes similar each time. I get mad about something, and leave as fast as possible while acting really cold

With these comments it makes me wonder if you're too dependent on him. Can you find things to do without him and be content or happy? If you can't, then this is the place too start.

This is also what we'll call the 1st stage, and it's the intense anger which Wolfsong writes about.

anxiety about my relationship ending builds and builds until we talk it over. OR, I get mad, and we have an argument over it.
And I always get so insecure about my relationship afterward that I become DESPERATE to fix what I started. And my boyfriend has started to pull away when I get this way, which means I am home trying to get a hold of him to fix it and probably come across completely clingy, which obviously would make him pull away more. It's at the point where if I get mad and storm out, he doesn't respond to texts or answer calls for a while. Which makes me EVEN MORE insecure, and I have panic attacks constantly until we fix things.

This would be stages 2 & 3, which probably causes more damage than stage 1. It's a BPD trait of real or imagined abandonment and frantic efforts to avoid. It's also black/white logic.... So your cycle is something like this...

Everything is great with you and bf (you function fine) --> arguement occurs/intense anger (stage 1) ---> this is where black/white logic takes place...The relationship isn't great anymore, yet it's not over either --> Stage 2 you begin to have real or imagined abandoment thoughts ---> stage 3 you begin to make frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment this leads to clingyness/neediness/overbearing/smothering
--> these stages will repeat until your black/white logic is resolved. Either the relationship will become great again or it will end.

We have been seeing each other for 7 months, and we met 12 years ago(only got back in touch over facebook a couple years back). I was his first love and he was crazy about me and it drives me insane how much I have killed that. I want to fix things. SO BAD. How do I fix this?

1... AGAIN..... Are you tooo dependent on him? Relying on him too much for your happiness?
2...You also mention "he was crazy about you" and "drives you insane how much you killed that" makes me think you're having a hard time transitioning in the relationship.. The intensity of your relationship is going to be different at 7 months compared to what it was after your 1st month. In some ways it makes me think.. that what you're thinking is because it's not the way it was when we first started seeing one another then something must be wrong..

How do I get control over my anger?

You may want to consider dbt therapy. There's an online guide where you can get an idea of what it's like.. www.dbtselfhelp.com

I want so bad to suggest couples counseling but I feel like it's too soon and if we ALREADY need counseling then maybe we should just break up. I tried to end things a couple weeks ago and he talked me out of it and begged me to stay with him. I don't want to be a crazy girlfriend.
PLEASE HELP.

From what you describe the issues are really yours, and related to bpd. I think, you need to try and get into dbt therapy.. If you get into couples counceling you'd want to make sure they know of your bpd. The counceling would help him better understand what's taking place within you. It really begins with you though, imo.

My last bit of advice would be... really pay close attention to the emotions you're experiencing at each stage and really try to identify them. Ask yourself questions like.. What is it "REALLY" that's making you angry? Make sure you articulate what it is that making you mad. Don't expect him to know or to read your mind. If you do storm out and walk away angry.. pay close attention to those emotions.."what are they about" "why are you feeling them"... Try and distract yourself or do something to avoid coming across as clingy.

As I said at the very beginning I deal with this in romantic relationships, friendships.. I still F**K up more often than not. I'm trying to get better.. It takes practice, and I'm nowhere near being great at this. I'm convinced though the key is really understanding what is taking place within at each stage, and really identifying what those emotions are, why you're feeling them...and then finding ways to combat them. I like to think if I can get to this stage where I fully identify what those emotions are, why I feel them, I'll be more equipt to anticipate triggers which will help me avoid conflict... That's my theory at least.. Hopefully one day I'll find out if I'm right or wrong..

Hopefully, something in here will help....

Good luck,
-cbox

[learningtoaccept]

I definitely am trying to hold myself accountable.. even if it means apologizing for something I feel justified about if I know it is not "normal" for me to be mad about it. I am trying to recognize how I feel after things like this happen so I can remember to think harder next time before reacting.

I do depend on him a lot. My best friends are so far, one is 2 hours away, the other is unhappy remaining in one place so she only comes home once or twice a year and travels the rest of the time. I had a close friend at the beginning of my relationship, but she insulted my son and told him nobody cares what he thinks and I don't tolerate people being emotionally abusive to my child.. Then I am close with my sister and her roommate, but my sister likes to be alone so I am often told not to come over. So I'm left with him, really. And I've been trying to make more friends but it's tough when I have a son and I work 1-9 every day. Not a lot of free time to be out socializing.

I spent all morning panicking and then he finally replied to me around 3.. And I called him after work to apologize for getting angry last night, and let him know that I feel anxious when I know I was wrong and want to apologize but can't reach him. He's pretty open to talking things through and trying to help. I honestly can't blame him for the times he has been distant, either. I don't think I could handle what I dish out to the people I love, to be honest. That's why I want so bad to get this under control. He's a good guy and my son loves him and I don't want to mess things up.

And you're right about having a hard time transitioning. I always think about how amazing things were in the beginning. I tend to cling to those memories and try to recreate them...

What am I supposed to do in each stage? Am I supposed to prepare myself for possible argument, expect them, or what? Am I supposed to try to resolve them right way to avoid the anxiety?

My handling these things was honestly okay until I almost broke up with him. I was the one who wanted to break up, but somehow, I am so frantic to fix things since he showed me that he wants to be with me and loves me. It's like, the pain I experienced the day before and the day I went to break up with him was so bad, and I lost the control I had because my heart broke over my own decision to leave him once and now I don't want him to break my heart when he convinced me to stay. I am hoping once more time has passed it will not be so anxiety-provoking..

I get fears too, for example he recently asked if I'd care if he went to a strip club with his buddy and I told him it would make me very uncomfortable. He said he won't go then, but now this fear is planted in my mind and I just keep thinking of it again and again, picturing it and feeling sick to my stomach. Before it's been other fears, him thinking I was too crazy, him losing attraction to me, him thinking I was too clingy(which at the time lead me to go 2-4 days per week not contacting him and ignoring some of his calls or texts), whatever. But any uneasiness stirs it up again. And feeling of rejection makes it 1000x worse.

I feel like I can't win. If I am doing the "no contact" thing then we go days barely talking, and I lose interest in him and become indifferent toward the relationship. But trying to keep communication open just makes me unhappy in other ways because I know he likes his space and I hate it. I honestly can't stand to be alone, and I get separation anxiety when we are together and have to say goodbye.

I feel mad sometimes because he begged me to date him. I was really independent, had been single and pretty stable for the most part for 3 years. The first few months things were great but I had my guard up and he finally convinced me to let it down and open up to him and things have been really up and down since. I feel like I can't win. I really need help, there is just such little help available in my area. I see a listing for a BPD group, but there is likely a 1-2 year wait list. Beyond that, I may have to buy some work books and try to go it alone. :/

[learningtoaccept]

I want to add that I started recognizing things that make me more anxious a few months back. For example, if we don't have plans ahead of time for the weekend, I am anxious all weekend wondering when we will see each other and if we don't see each other when I'd hoped I get upset. He is aware of this and I let him know that I need to make weekend plans ahead of time so that I don't have to feel anxious over it. This was something we did for a long time and then we started just "winging it" and then I started to assume we would just see each other all weekend, leaving lots of space for disappointment.

I continue letting him know things that I need in order to feel less anxious. I think for me it's just a huge learning experience because all of my previous relationships were before my son was born, when I was an addict. I got into my addictions after my first real relationship so everything since was really unstable. So now is the first time I am able to really recognize how I am acting, instead of feeling like it's all the other person's fault. So of course I have to keep having these HUGE realization about my behaviours before I can try to change them.

It just sucks. I don't want to learn by screwing up, I just want to know how to handle these things like a normal person...

[cboxpalace]

Trust me.. I understand... I'll respond to this tomorrow..

[madisgram]

this aricle may help you better understand what you are experiencing http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/sym...lity-disorder/ justme but learning more about my dx helps. pc also has additional articles pertaining to what may help you.