[widgets]

Long story - i'll try and cut it short.

3 weeks ago, i started feeling a bit down, my friends invited me to go out with them, i said yes, my friend robert said he would pick me up from work, i didnt ask him to, he offered, but he drank too much the night before so could pick me up. So i travelled there and went out anyway. I knew i was feeling down, but i seemed to pick up once a bit drunk.

But i couldnt control my drunkeness, i was getting twice as drunk as i normally would, and even tried taking a time out and drinking water to get a grip. but then it was too late and i was a mess.

My friends kerri and robert are 'used to,' my awful behaviour when i'm drunk, by that i mean, it doesnt horrify them, but i was around fairly new people this time, so when i ran away and cut myself, they were shocked.
to be fair to myself, i wasnt planning on being found, but me and robert have an app on our phones that allows us to track each other, so i was fairly shocked when they all turned up at where i was hiding.

i refused to go back in their house and slept in another friends car.

so anyway, that day i went home - i live 40 miles away from everyone else.

And vowed to myself, that i would stop causing trouble to the people i love most and not get out of their lives.
Kerri and Robert may be used to it, but they shouldnt have to be.

I isolated myself for the last 3 weeks and didnt speak to anyone.

then at 2.51am this morning Robert rang me, i was fast asleep, he was drunk.

he said, "i know we havent spoken, but i want you to know, its not because i hate you, its because its awkward."
I said, "why isnt it awkward now," stopping myself making a nasty comment, or shouting at him that he doesnt care enough and he hasnt been there at a time when i NEED HIM MOST!
Because deep down i know, he's done his fair share of 'being there,' for me, and as far as he can see it doesnt do any good.

he also said, "i dont want you to think i'm better off without you, you're my friend, i lived with you for 2 years, i know what you do, and it doesnt shock me, but i want you to be part of my life, but i want to be able to tell you what i think and what i feel without you hurting yourself," [I]immediately i am wondering what he thinks and feels thats so bad i would want to hurt myself[/I

he said "i just want you to be normal,"

anyway, i just started crying and couldnt reply, except for telling him, its not right that he should put up with my behavior

then we had a little chat and hung up.

i text him today,
i cant be normal, i've proved that. you dont need me anymore, you'll be fine without me. I'm sure you wouldnt have called me last night had you not been drunk, but anyway you said, "i want to be able to tell you what i think and feel without you hurting yourself," who needs a friend who you cant talk to incase they do that? on the other hand, i need more, it hurts me to have friends, i feel like i'd be better off if i didnt have any, no one can leave me if they arent already here. i love you i am sorry, i know this is difficult.

he hasnt replied.

My message was half true, half attention seeking and half with a conviction i wish i meant.

i hate the situation now, because at least before i was ignoring him and that was more comfortable than him ignoring me.

I cant text him again because i cant handle the rejection, but i also hate leaving things without an ending!

[Trippin2.0]

so sorry widgets, and now for some inane reason my brain is not letting me type anything remotely supportive.

[shezbut]

(((Widget)))

In my opinion, Robert doesn't sound as though he's in a very healthy place himself. Why is he always going out, drinking til the wee hours, and then contacting you? That isn't real healthy behavior. Knowing that you, his friend, has this tendency to SI (especially when drunk) it's not the best thing to invite you to go out and do these things. I'm not sure that Robert is your true friend ~ sounds more like a drinking buddy to me ~ and, yes, there is a BIG difference! You didn't say much about your other friend, Kerri, and her behavior, otherwise I'd give you my opinion on whether or not you should take her out of your zone of true friends as well.

I can understand your feeling of fear that Robert won't contact you, and that will be the end of your friendship. It's scary to go forward in life without some small comforts. Like friends, healthy habits, etc...but I think that you may need to start off with smaller and more frequent positives. A long, cool shower on a hot day; riding a bike or walking through nature; exploring all senses with leaves, a peppermint candy, small chocolate (etc.), a rock, pillow, teddy bear, the list goes on; do crossword puzzles or word-searches; go to a museum and study artwork that speaks to you; listen to fun music; play games; and so forth.

The more distressed and lonely that we are, the busier that we need to keep ourselves with things on these lists...to keep us from going to the darker side and abusing ourselves. It is hard. Try to stay focused on this very moment in time and move forward. We will make mistakes. That's okay ~ NO NEED to continually kick ourselves over that too. Just let it go and move on with the new, fresh moment.

I hope that helps you a little bit ~ best wishes!

[MDDBPDPTSD]

Widgets:

I read your post just moments ago. I am so sorry you were in that place then. I hope you are feeling some better now.

I wish I had read this sooner, but Shezbut said everything I would have wanted to say... and did so in a caring way.

If I can help in any way, I am here. Well, I am in and out anyway.

[widgets]

Originally Posted by MDDBPDPTSD

Widgets:

I read your post just moments ago. I am so sorry you were in that place then. I hope you are feeling some better now.

I wish I had read this sooner, but Shezbut said everything I would have wanted to say... and did so in a caring way.

If I can help in any way, I am here. Well, I am in and out anyway.

Thank you..

Things are a bit different now.

Last wednesday i allowed all my friends to come and visit me, it was awkward at first, then it got better, they persuaded me to go out on Saturday night for our friends birthday.

On Saturday i was making such a consious effort not to drink to much that i ended up totally sober.

Robert on the other hand got so drunk he had to go home, then was so annoyed we were all having a good time with out him he DROVE HIS CAR back to town (he only passed his test a month ago) held up a queue of traffic while he was parked outside the club waiting for us to come out. I ran out and got in the car as did his boyfriend, we both shouted at him to drive, he got us home safely and didnt get caught thankfully, but i was furious, he had called us on the phone and demanded we got in the car because he didnt like waiting at home for us!
this behaviour is so unlike him!
anyway, after an hour he said to me i could either stay in his spare room or i had to leave as he was going to bed!!
all my other friends were still in the nightclub, luckily i got hold of Kerri and she came outside and we got a taxi home.
I'm not angry with Robert now, i just feel like our friendship is fighting a losing battle, maybe we should quit while we're ahead. He doesnt have time for me anymore, but refuses to let me go, and i feel like i cant live without him, een though i do every day.

[Trippin2.0]

I really hope you guys figure it out. Sometimes when issues can't be addressed or resolved, it's better to part ways before things go completely sour and you both end up bitter. Not easy, I know, but better than the alternative... And who knows, maybe all you guys need is an official 'break' to gain perspective.

[cboxpalace]

Originally Posted by widgets

I'm not angry with Robert now, i just feel like our friendship is fighting a losing battle, maybe we should quit while we're ahead. He doesnt have time for me anymore, but refuses to let me go, and i feel like i cant live without him, een though i do every day.

In someways I get the sense that you're looking to us to tell you to keep trying or don't give up or looking for us to somehow give you the solution to fix the problem the way you want it fixed. I "think" that is what you really want to hear, but I could be wrong.

Now for a more logical response... In DBT a part of interpersonal relationships is ending hopeless relationships. I would recommend is to take a look at pros/cons. The pros/cons of having Robert as a friend.. and the pros/cons of not having Robert as a friend. Write down everything no matter how insignificant you think it might be.. I think this will give you some insight on how you should proceed.

If you decide it's best to end the friendship.. It doesn't mean circumstances can't change one day in the future. When I say future.. I mean WAY off in the future.. If you choose to end it, go no contact and move on.

I hope this helps a little.

[MDDBPDPTSD]

I am sorry about your relationship with Robert, but I have to agree with what Shezbut that Robert may be a drinking buddy and not such a healthy friend. Of course, I don't know that, but based on what happened, it really sounds like that. Maybe it would be best to distance yourself from him. Maybe still communicate with him, but not as often and not in the same way. Change your activities together and see if he is willing to still be your friend when you are both sober. Or maybe you should just take a break and see how things go.

It worries me that you got in the car with him while he was driving drunk. He does not think it is a problem to endanger himself and everyone else on the road with him, not to mention all of you in the car with him. I know we all do things hat are unwise sometimes. I just wonder if Robert is really helping you to be the best you possible.
That is for you to decide.

[Girl_Interrupted]

I wouldn't get in a car with someone under the influence. Not only is there a risk of accident, but if they get pulled over, they WILL be arrested, and then you'll have to find your own way home, and it's especially bad if you have no money for a taxi or have no idea where you are.

[widgets]

I love him more than a brother, I wouldn't get in a car with any random driver.
I NEEDED to know he got home safely.

We lived together for 2 years, he told me recently that there was a helpline he used to call that helped him deal with living with me, like a friends and family line that the hospital gave him when I was there, he was only 19 at the time, his life had been 'normal,' I feel responsible that I've entered him into my warped world where the behaviour I demonstrate becomes acceptable. I understand it's not but people tolerate me, when they don't have to.

Yes you're right I want answers that you cannot give.
I'm stuck in limbo, I can't let go of him, but I'll never truly have him again like I used to, of I was able to behave like a normal person our relationship would be fine, he shouldn't be punished because i'm substandard

[cboxpalace]

Honestly, it sounds like Robert has his own issues which doesn't help matters.

That's why I say to do pro's/cons and it will give you a better perspective on where to go with your relationship. Even if you choose to part ways.. Time does heal wounds, and maybe things will be different.

[NYCDoglvr]

Perhaps part of the problem is alcohol?