[rainbowdust1]

I have always had a feeling from the time I was little that I was different. I have always cried over everything, and anything negative seems to be the end of the world. I have a huge heart and try not to hurt anyone. I was teased alot when I was younger for being overweight. I would hurt myself the night before school just so I would get to stay home. I have had a few unsuccessful suicide attempts and I have battled addiction my entire life. I feel like I can get addicted to anything. I have been addicted to pills, marijuana, vicks nose inhalers, lifesavers mints, and just about anything else you can imagine. I always feel like something is missing. I think about my parents dying constantly. I have dogs that I love dearly, but most days I hate having them because I know they are going to die. I call my dogs my best friends. I can make friends easily, but in the back of my mind I don't like anyone. I feel like I have a different face for everyone I meet. I feel like I can figure anyone out and everyone seems to have a character flaw to me. All those feelings are private though, I would never want to hurt anyone's feelings. I have cut myself in the past and I have been guilty of doing this to get attention when my girlfriend and I fight. I have had numerous jobs and switched my college major many times. I am currently studying psychology. I feel like I really understand it. In the past if someone was to get mad at me I feel like they hate me. I feel like for whatever reason they are mad about, even if they forgive me, they will always see that flaw in me. I have a hard time letting go of things that hurt me and when I feel threatened I will use that against the person. Sometimes I feel like I am not real and I was put on this earth to suffer. To take hurt and pain so other people will not have to endure it. I have had the same partner for 8 years. She tries to be supportive but she just doesn't understand. I cant always tell her whats wrong because I don't know. She will tell me that I have to be crying for a reason and I cant give her one. I feel like I am dragging her down and one day she is going to leave me if I don't stop. I know that she haqsn't yet but it still scares me. I will sit and think about my parents dying and all the things we have done together. I will cry my eyes out. I don't feel like anyone truly knows me. Even my partner who I think knows me the best doesn't. I am afraid that if people really knew me they would condemn me. When I find something that makes me feel good I can't stop. If my partner tells me to not do certain things, when i feel bad I blame her because those things would make me feel so much better. I feel a tremendous amount of stress most of the time. I panic if I have a doctor appointment and the grocery in one day. I hate to talk on the phone and some days wont answer it. My partner makes all off my doctor appointments because I just don't like to. I have been treated inpatient and outpatient. It is extremely hard to fins a psychiatrist that will give you a thorough psych. evaluation. I have been tried on 20 or more medicines and I got diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I know that I don't fit into this disorder. Many times I feel as if someone is listening to me even though I know they aren't. I feel as if I am acting for everyone to see. I always feel that most people talk about me when they aren't around me. I know this is a big entry but I am desperate. I am not sure what else to do. Any advice or info, or just an ear would be great. Thanks.

[Forgive77]

I'm the same way on all of it. You're not alone. You can read my blog on how I deal with things some days. I'm bipolar II, and BPD. That is what my blog is about. I just want you to know...my bio, is the exact same as yours. I never understand why my husband stays with me...but he does, and I've learned to thank God for him. He has my back, and is trust worthy.

[rainbowdust1]

It is nice to know someone else feels the way I do. I mean I am sorry you feel that way but I am glad I am not alone. I am not sure if I have BPD, but it is the only condition that I have found that describes how I feel. It is just a certain weirdness that can't be explained. I try to tell my partner, but that isn't enough. Unless someone feels it they will never understand. I try to tell myself that I don't have this condition, but I really think that I do. The symptoms are to unique. I have been on so many medicines and nothing seems to work. Every medicine I try just doesn't seem to completely help me. I see that you are on Lamictol. I am also on Lamictol. I tried to switch my meds last fall and I had to keep taking Lamictol because of the horrible withdrawal symptoms. When I went to my doctor with these symptoms, she told me she was "done" and she didn't know what to do to help me. I was devastated. It seems that not even doctors understand. Many people do not believe this condition exists and they think it is some sort of behavior. Behavior I feel is manageable, this unfortunately is not. Thanks for listening.

[Trippin2.0]

What are you? A humanbeing. One who has continued to follow life's path, even amidst the chaos of the mind and heart we'll gladly listen, support, and help where we can.

[rainbowdust1]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

What are you? A humanbeing. One who has continued to follow life's path, even amidst the chaos of the mind and heart we'll gladly listen, support, and help where we can.

Thank you for your kind words. It is nice to know I have found an online community that seems to really care. Sometimes I think the chaos isn't really chaos, or like it is all in my head. Maybe everyone feels like this and I am just being a baby. I don't know. It can get to be very overwhelming. Sometimes I feel as if I am just being mean. I just know in my heart something isnt right with me and never has been. I just want to feel better. I don't want to walk around unhappy when I should be happy. I have a home, a partner of 8 years, 3 beautiful dogs, loving parents, and I have an associates degree and Im working on my bachelors. It is a challenge. My partner pushes me to succeed. She keeps me on the right track I think. I know that she understands me better than anyone ever has, but not completely. I have yet to find someone who does, whether it be family, friends, or even doctors. Its lonely.

[rainbowdust1]

Thank you!

[Forgive77]

You're not going to get anyone but us to completely understand...our partners can just try, and go to therapy with us. That's all I can ask of my husband right now, and he's willing too, so that's a plus.

[Trippin2.0]

Its a pleasure and I agree with Forgive, your best bet for understanding is right here, with people who walk similar paths. Others can try, but can never fully grasp our reality.

[MedokGecy]

In it something is also to me it seems it is excellent idea. Completely with you I will agree.

[rainbowdust1]

I told my partner about this site and she seems to be happy I found it. she is even thinking about joining a group on here. I am so glad for you all!