[widgets]

Are any of you parents.

HOw does BPD affect you as a parent? or affect the decision you made or didnt make to have children?

any thoughts on this welcome...

[Flooded]

Yes, I have two aged 6 and 4.

I wasn't dx with anything until my youngest was 1.

Being a parent isn't easy even if you don't have any health problems but it's a LOT harder with them as well.

Had I been dx pre-kids, I wouldn't have had them.

[Trippin2.0]

I have a daughter, had her pre-dx. It's hard, but worth it. Besides, every parent faces challenges, our's are just specialized.
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My bp affects my daughter way more than my bpd tho...

[ChaoticSymphony]

Same, dx after. I wonder if it is our children driving us nuts haha jk.

[nicoleb2]

I have a 9 year old daughter and a 6 year old son. I was dx'd when my son was about a year or so old. Being dx'd I don't think would change my decision to have them, but maybe I'd have sought help sooner...
My 9 year old has a very... strong-willed personality, so it can be hard sometimes because we both want what we want, but we are learning to work together.

[shezbut]

I am a mom to 2 girls, and I didn't start having significant problems parenting until shortly after having my 2nd. Things quickly became much more complicated, emotional, and I struggled a lot with my behavior.

To be brutally honest, had I known about my BPD before, I would have listened better to my strong hesitation to have kids. I have always been very uncomfortable around children, and didn't want to F up my kids. I was always terrified that I would F them up, since I had such an abnormal childhood. Didn't want to pass that on. I still don't, of course! But, it's real hard to regulate my emotions & not have outbursts. My girls and I are at the same level of emotion, which can cause a lot of unnecessary drama.

I do love my girls, but I hate myself.

[widgets]

I sometimes feel that having children would sort me out, I'd have never ending unconditional love and a real reason to live.

But I also understand its not as simple as that, I'm so scared I may never have kids and if I do, I want them to be well and happy and I'm not sure I can give that to them!

I have 4 kids, Mine are older now, I was diagnosed 4 years ago, My BPD does affect them at times as I often don't feel like going out but I don't regret having them.

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by widgets

...I'm so scared I may never have kids and if I do, I want them to be well and happy and I'm not sure I can give that to them!

For me, parenting is extremely difficult during feisty toddler times; "know it all" early-childhood; defiant mid childhood...

It has been very hard for me to accept that children have times where their tired, grumpy, angry, etc. You know what I mean? They have valid emotions, just like everyone else. And it's very hard to take their yells & screams, especially when we've got our troubles going on too. When I was a kid, if we acted out, we'd be whacked by paddles, hands or the belt. Not to mention being given "the look".

My greatest discovery (in the last couple of years anyway) is acknowledging what my girls are feeling. That breaks the intensity of their breakdown every time! I have to pull myself up, out of the emotions, tell them that I'm sorry they're feeling so unhappy. What can we do to make things better? Would a hug help? How about a kiss? That breaks all of the tension and we feel better. It is hard to do sometimes ~ like when I'm feeling irritable or strong self-hate.

Keep those things in mind with your children. Validating their emotions is HUGE!

[Trippin2.0]

I agree ^^^^ listening to your child, allowing her to express her emotions, validating those emotions and offering to soothe them goes a long way. It's difficult when you yourself are a bag of emotions, but in my case it has helped my daughter understand that I feel those things too, and at the tender age of 8, she in turn allows me time to process and respects my need to be alone sometimes.
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I lucked out She's pretty amazing

[BorderlineBrittany]

Thank you for the advice to the two above^^^^
I have 2 girls.
7 and 20 months.
Im a single mom and its the hardest thing in the world to do.. I was dx 1 year ago and i think since the diagnoses im more aware of my behaviour and emotions so im better then i was.. But im not great.. I didnt choose to have my kids tell after i was pregnant. I wish to god every day i was more ready for them.. But you cant change the past.. I think my BPD has effects my parenting ALOT..

[shipping]

Most people are messed up in some way and they have kids. And then mess up their kids. This comes from what I see in my office as a college prof. At least we know about emotions and can learn to respond to our kids when they have emotional needs. Some parents think they are super, but they don't know how to love unconditionally, and they don't know how to accept emotions and respond to them. I would guess many of us on here do know how to do those things. Good thread question.

[Nixi]

I have a 14yr and 16yrs children and was diagnosed about 3 yrs ago. To be honest when I first got pregnant it changed my life massively!!! Having my son changed my life!! I was able to cope for a good few years. Then things got worse and my kids had to cope with me being in hospital. I struggle with a lot of teenage issues but I think it's to do with a lot of stuff I struggled with. I'm coping with things a lot better now! I focus on a day at a time xx

[la doctora]

I used to think I was ready for kids. Then I started to realize all my issues. I am extremely hesitant now, and if it were left up to me I might just have furry kids the rest of my life instead of human ones. My husband wasn't ready when I was a long time ago, but of course now he is. I asked him one day if he really wanted kids and he said that yes he would like to. I didn't reveal that I am extremely hesitant now. Now I'm scared and I'm wondering if my hesitation is a gut instinct that I should listen to. I'm so effed up and it seems to get worse every day. I can't predict the future and know that I won't be a hot mess all the time. I know I should tell him , but I don't want him to tell me we don't have to have kids to make me feel better, when he really wants them deep down. I don't want him to have to sacrifice that. I feel like maybe I should toughen up and do it for both of us.
I KNOW I will parent so differently from my parents. I really hope I don't screw them up. My folks screwed me up and I plan to be the opposite of them, so I think my kids will be good. I feel so strongly about doing certain things opposite or different than mine did.

Doc

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by BorderlineBrittany

Thank you for the advice to the two above^^^^
I have 2 girls.
7 and 20 months.
Im a single mom and its the hardest thing in the world to do.. I was dx 1 year ago and i think since the diagnoses im more aware of my behaviour and emotions so im better then i was.. But im not great.. I didnt choose to have my kids tell after i was pregnant. I wish to god every day i was more ready for them.. But you cant change the past.. I think my BPD has effects my parenting ALOT..

I'm a single mom too, and if it's any consolation, I don't think any amount of prepping and planning can truely get you ready for motherhood.
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The way I see it, my daughter has outlived every pet I had as a child, so I'm doing SOMETHING right LOL

[SU-JJ]

Originally Posted by Anonymous324956

I have 4 kids, Mine are older now, I was diagnosed 4 years ago, My BPD does affect them at times as I often don't feel like going out but I don't regret having them.

My problem has been that my children 21, 19, and 16 use my illness as a further way to berate me, and treat me horribly. I feel like my bedroom is the only place I can work and have any peace. Unfortunately my only furniture is a bed in here--besides dressers. It makes my lows very hard, and to keep up with my work impossible.

Right now I had better get better than now because I will be back to work full time at the end of August, and have to look sane and capable even though I am falling apart. I am considering suicide at this point. Behind on bills, disrespectful and cruel children, and my only support system a long distance boyfriend. I am in that horrible dark place, and cry for long periods of the day. I keep hoping for the manic phase to come back at least for some feelings that are better. I cannot take this any more. I take care of them like I am their maid, but it hard to keep up when I am chased back to my room over and over again. I need to focus. I need more help. Maybe I need to go back to the hospital even though I hated it there and it made my kids REALLY MAD that I was there. They call me a nut job, a crazy person all the time. Swear at me and scare me. It is a nightmare. I want to just run away or die, and my work, well it is total hell and I do it to keep the tuition benefits. Really lost right now...

[Forgive77]

Originally Posted by la doctora

I used to think I was ready for kids. Then I started to realize all my issues. I am extremely hesitant now, and if it were left up to me I might just have furry kids the rest of my life instead of human ones. My husband wasn't ready when I was a long time ago, but of course now he is. I asked him one day if he really wanted kids and he said that yes he would like to. I didn't reveal that I am extremely hesitant now. Now I'm scared and I'm wondering if my hesitation is a gut instinct that I should listen to. I'm so effed up and it seems to get worse every day. I can't predict the future and know that I won't be a hot mess all the time. I know I should tell him , but I don't want him to tell me we don't have to have kids to make me feel better, when he really wants them deep down. I don't want him to have to sacrifice that. I feel like maybe I should toughen up and do it for both of us.
I KNOW I will parent so differently from my parents. I really hope I don't screw them up. My folks screwed me up and I plan to be the opposite of them, so I think my kids will be good. I feel so strongly about doing certain things opposite or different than mine did.

Doc

Don't ever have children for someone else. I have 5 and three of them are triplets. I wanted to have a boy for my husband. I asked god for a third child, and he gave me three. The triplets were 2 boys and 1 girl to add to he other two girls. If I had been dx before kids...I wouldn't have had them due to the fear of passing my genes on...But I have them and I love them more than anything in the world. My hard time is from when they are walking up to 3 years old. It's hard for me to keep up and disapline....They are about to be five and try to kill each other every day...that's hard too. I spent an hour folding laundry and my special needs triplet duaghter tossed all the folded clothes back in the basket, and made a tossed salad out of it. I got pissed, and gave up. I'll try again tomrrow.

[shortandcute]

Well, I think it has effected my parenting skills. I have often accused my kids of conspiring against me and "siding" with my sister to plan against me because I honestly thought they were. I often suddenly--in the middle of the nite--think they were up to something and wake them up to get on their case. I often suddenly become angry because out of nowhere, I'm afraid they are GOING to do something against me.

[Girl_Interrupted]

I wouldn't have kids, they just annoy the hell out of me xD

My life plans/career plans wouldn't fit in with having children anyway.

[Marie67]

SU-JJ, My kids are 23, 20 and 18, and the younger two can be very hard on me but I do set limits, even if my friends think I don't nearly enough. There is no excuse for your kids to swear at you in your own house. You are not obligated to support the older two, and it's time to say (as calmly as you can manage) that they are not allowed to treat you this way. Be prepared to order them out of the house -- as calmly as you can manage. Try to stay matter of fact. Rule #1: Respect Mom, no matter how messed up she is. You have a right to be wrong, messed up, whattever, and you have a right to be treated like a human being. Don't be afraid they will stop speaking to you. It isn't likely, but even if that does happen -- would it really be worse than this? That's what you have to decide. Once you know it's not worth putting up with their *****, you will be better able to put your foot down. Calmly. I'm a recovering doormat, and it's taken a lot of fumbling and practice to start getting it right. You can do it. You deserve better.

[hamster-bamster]

19,14,12 but not living with me. Had all pre-dx. Thought that I would be a splendid mother. Nooo.

[nardg]

I was dx when my youngest was three. I think I would still have had kids but would have learned more about the dx first and seeked help with it sooner.

[fletch33]

I have decided that I do not want to have children because I am terrified of passing on my mental illness and my fiance's mental illness to a child. I have BPD and Mood Disorder NOS. He has GAD. I am just really wary of having children because I do not want to ruin their lives from the get-go.

[mommyof2girls]

My children are the best thing to happen to me.... They make me who I am today.... I was diagnosed after having them.....

[shortandcute]

fletch33, I worry about that, too, even tho my kids are older now. My 1st born is 27 and she had alcohol fetal syndrome. My sister is the one who raised her, and she is so affected that she will never be able to live on her own. My son, who is 24, exhibits signs of depression.