[gettingby]

hello everyone, i am new here . Was recently diagnosed with BPD.....always knew something was off since i was a young girl (am 28 now) and new that what i was feeling and living was more than just depression.

So, im sure ill be posting in the next couple of weeks, as i have a lot to learn and this seems like a great community!

Anyways, aside from the many issues im facing right now, one of the more prevalent ones in my life is my relationship.
I have gone back this whole past year on the board looking for other relationship posts, but couldn't find much. Also, much of the research i find online is about people who are in relationships with bpd's, but not the other way around. Its hard for us too!

Basically, is it possible to feel real true love in a relationship (for us)? I have had several long term relationships and am living with my current boyfriend. I...i just dont think i love him. I did, or at least i thought i did, when we met, but its more than just "faded"...it's gone completely. He adores every single part of me and in ways i adore him, but i dont really care. I just feel such a strong indifference that its overwhelming. I cant help but think that maybe its due to this disorder and not the relationship. I am not affectionate anymore, i dont miss him, i dont kiss him....
Its hurting him too but i dont know how to get out of this funk.

Has anyone else felt or gone through this before? Is there hope? What is it like for a bpd to be in love??

Any questions are welcomed and will be answered.

[AngelWolf3]

I have never been diagnosed with BPD, but I totally experience the relationship thing. It's like, every one that I have had, I fell so hard and so deeply in love. Or so I thought. Well, it's like a year or so goes by literally every time, and I suddenly don't want anything to do with the guy anymore. I don't want to be touched, kissed, or anything. I end up feeling smothered. It's weird. But the guy still feels the same, I just don't.

I can't explain it. I also want to be alone and get away, but then when I am alone, i am lonely. I just saw your post and thought I would say that I kind of understand. (Maybe I just pick crappy dudes. who knows.)
Good luck. I am sorry I don't have any answers for you!!!!!! and I hope you don't feel like I totally posted something unrelated to what you were looking for, sorry if I did!

AND welcome to PC!!!!!

[missbelle]

I don't think your feelings towards boyfriend are part of your disorder. You just may plain not be in love with him..PERIOD! Thats o.k. too. You probably feel extremly guilty because you know he loves you, but its not your fault you have maybe fallen out of love with him. Now you just need to figure out what to do about it.

Jut take care of YOU. You might also want to talk with a therapist about it as well.

[fletch33]

gettingby,

I know how you feel. I have had that same issue before with indifference. For a long time I was very indifferent to my fiance, which caused issues in our relationship. I think that those with BPD do this because we are so afraid of abandonment that we won't even let ourselves get close in the first place. It is a vicious cycle.

Just know that if you really are meant to be, the indifference will pass. Please work on this issue with your T if you can, it should help you.

[mirieri]

The indifference you seem to be feeling is very familiar to me. I always wonder why I can't bring myself to the level of commitment and adoration that my partner always has. I have struggled with this for years, and I'm ashamed to admit it I always found myself cheating. I would hope that maybe this new person will love me "the right way" and not do something in the relationship to upset me and cause me to hate them.

It's hard and it takes a lot of work, but I have hope for all of us out there that struggle with this. Maybe it's just the inner romantic in me, or the years of watching the classic Disney type romances.

And I sympathize with you about all the information out there for non-BPDs in relationships. It seems like there's far more resources out there for people to just "deal" with us instead of helping us try to cope. What outrages me is that most of these resources are condemning and labeling BPDs with the terrible stereotypes that have plagued us for years, instead of offering understanding and advice.

Whatever, maybe someday people will learn.

[gettingby]

Wow, thank you all so much for responding. It just feels so reassurring and wonderful to know Im not the only one.
@wolfin3, I sympathize with you greatly, regardless if you have BPD or not. Going through relationships, giving it your all each time, to then feel nothing at the end is incredibly frustrating. You feel awful, you feel like you've wasted time, like you should have known better, that you should have taken it slower, etc.

To everyone else, thanks! Indifference while at the same time feeling depressed, lonely, frustrated, appears to be quite common among us. I have a hard time empathizing with other people, listening to their stories, relating. I may understand what someone else (friends, family) is going through, but I have difficulties in caring. Does anyone else go through this?

I used to adore my boyfriend, find him beautiful and charming; he has expressed to me every wonderful feeling of love any person would want. As time went by I just started disliking him more and more. Finding him irritating, too talkative, lazy, etc. I began to criticize everything about him, control him, have vicious fights. But then I would think, wait, its me, Im the crazy one, I need to change how Im acting, this isnt good for either of us. When I did begin to respect him more (he in many ways, did change all those negative things I nagged him about) I realized I didnt feel anything. He still irritated me greatly, I just controlled my rages. How can I feel so completely comfortable and myself around someone (while still being supported emotionally) and feel like something is wrong at the same time? Im not looking to be head over heels for my significant other, I just want to feel like I care what he's feeling and going through, I want to feel a passion for his life too.



My story, of course, is more complicated….I live out of the country in south america and am thinking of moving back, but I plan to post about that in another section sometime soon as it will open up a whole nother can of worms!

[gettingby]

Wow, thank you all so much for responding. It just feels so reassurring and wonderful to know Im not the only one.
@wolfin3, I sympathize with you greatly, regardless if you have BPD or not. Going through relationships, giving it your all each time, to then feel nothing at the end is incredibly frustrating. You feel awful, you feel like you've wasted time, like you should have known better, that you should have taken it slower, etc.

To everyone else, thanks! Indifference while at the same time feeling depressed, lonely, frustrated, appears to be quite common among us. I have a hard time empathizing with other people, listening to their stories, relating. I may understand what someone else (friends, family) is going through, but I have difficulties in caring. Does anyone else go through this?

I used to adore my boyfriend, find him beautiful and charming; he has expressed to me every wonderful feeling of love any person would want. As time went by I just started disliking him more and more. Finding him irritating, too talkative, lazy, etc. I began to criticize everything about him, control him, have vicious fights. But then I would think, wait, its me, Im the crazy one, I need to change how Im acting, this isnt good for either of us. When I did begin to respect him more (he in many ways, did change all those negative things I nagged him about) I realized I didnt feel anything. He still irritated me greatly, I just controlled my rages. How can I feel so completely comfortable and myself around someone (while still being supported emotionally) and feel like something is wrong at the same time? Im not looking to be head over heels for my significant other, I just want to feel like I care what he's feeling and going through, I want to feel a passion for his life too.


My story, of course, is more complicated….I live out of the country in south america and am thinking of moving back, but I plan to post about that in another section sometime soon as it will open up a whole nother can of worms!

[aachmedmh]

Im not looking to be head over heels for my significant other, I just want to feel like I care what he's feeling and going through, I want to feel a passion for his life too.

I feel like one of the biggest hurdles for people suffering from BPD is being genuinely interested in their SO's life. They have a tendency to only take interest in their SO's interest in them. That is what they get from the relationship.

From what you describe, it seems you have surmounted that block. Unfortunately you seem to be left with someone who you do not find interesting.

Talk to him about this. I cannot express enough how much communication matters. The longer this goes on the more you will resent him and the bigger the heartache for him when it all comes crashing down.

Good luck with everything.