This just happened and I feel the need to share. FooZe and Christina, if it's a little too over the top, feel free to delete. Maybe others can share things they've been through or done that are equally f***ed up. Would be nice to know I'm not alone in this...

Anyone who has followed my threads knows I was recently abandoned and that the situation was kind of unique. "He" was the first person I'd confided in in many, many years. I pushed him away and did the whole push/pull routine, but he made me trust him when all ny defenses were yelling at me to stop. I would often be in the middle of saying something and stop suddenly, audibly clenching my teeth together in the process. Well, he started imitating me, most notably when he was trying to get me to confide in my daughter about my BPD. He was standing behind me and when I did it he did it....very loudly. It was his way of saying "keep going" when I'd stop talking. Well, ever since then, whenever I do that I instantly think of him, and since he left, all the abandonment feelings accompany it.
Well, tonight, I was making love to my husband. I have a tendancy of thinking too much about completely unrelated things during it and told myself that it was time to try to practice my DBT skills and try to get fully involved in it for a change. Well....I was doing a good job and I was getting in to it.....and I clenched my teeth together in the process....hard and loud. All the DBT stuff went straight out the window and all the memories and abandonment feelings rushed in, and within a second or two I was crying like a baby. I felt so helpless and stupid. How could I let something like that to happen? Of course, my husband didn't understand why my emotions suddenly made a 180 and there was no way I could explain it. How completely messed up is that?

[shezbut]

I'm sorry that you had a rough reminder, carmasia.

I've broken down crying and lost complete interest in sex during passion a few times with my bf. In my case, I get triggered by my bf talking dirty. Instantly, I am overcome with intense shame and have to stop right then and there.

While the trigger isn't the same, the effect is the same. My bf doesn't understand my 180 degree change in mood and behaviors. When triggered, I usually roll away into a defensive position & hide my face as I sob in shame.

Hope that this helps you feel better understood. You aren't completely alone or misunderstood.

[SwayintheBreeze]

Aw Carmasia you're not alone at all! Sex has trigger that kind of reaction in me as well and has for many years.. I have now completely given up sex with my husband which he does not understand at all (yet another issue).
It is what it is and I know that doesn't make it feel any less for you.

You are so not alone and it's not messed up!
*big hug*

Thanks guys....you help a lot. I guess we're all in this messed up disorder together.

Gosh, I can relate carmasia. I get all funny around sex. I will be in this completely vulnerable place, then I get a thought of abandonment or rejection, all the wind leaves my sails, I get freaked out and my partner picks up on it. It ruins the whole moment, puts tension on our relationship and causes me even MORE fear of rejection/ abandonment and anxiety. Then when I think about initiating intimacy again I relive the prior encounter and don't even want to go there.

It is very frustrating. You're not alone at all. We are all definitely in this together .

When it goes well and I actually get something out of it, sex is actually a good stress reliever and makes me kinda numb for a while. It just doesn't happen enough....

Yeah I hear you. They (the scientists and doctors and all those fancy people) say it's a GREAT stress reliever, awesome for your health. It doesnt happen enough with my partner and I either...it sucks, but I think it's achievable.

[SwayintheBreeze]

Originally Posted by stratocaster

Yeah I hear you. They (the scientists and doctors and all those fancy people) say it's a GREAT stress reliever, awesome for your health. It doesnt happen enough with my partner and I either...it sucks, but I think it's achievable.

I think it would be a great stress reliever if I could get past the other issues it causes and had a partner that could understand. Its frustrating tho.. I am hopeful that in time things will get better.

If I wasn't in a stable relationship, I'd probably be one of promiscuous BPDs engaging in dangerous sex. Somtimes I just can't get enough and when it does pay off and relieve the stress it makes up for when it doesn't. I also have wild fantasies and a great imagination. That makes it build up and get frustrating sometimes, particularily since I can't talk about it...... The thing that made me start this thread was not the sex to be honest, but the way something can happen, my clenching my teeth, and how I can instantly have a major flashback about someone else....someone I never did anything with, and how my emotions can instantly do a 180. Very frustrating, embarrassing, and it makes the self-hate swell....

I understand this all too well. It will seem as if everything in the day is going great, my mood is nice, my thoughts are okay. A thought will come into my head (sometimes a flashback, an insecurity etc.) and I 'shift', my thoughts become angry, clouded, I fall into the spiral of self-criticism, hatred, despair, anger you name it. The WHOLE DAY will be thrown out the window. (Like your example, the whole experience is gone) It's amazing how fast it can happen.

Like you explain Carmasia, the 180...my thoughts will be going down one path it seems fine and safe (I can liken it to driving down a road) a negative thought happens (a cat jumps out from the bushes and scares me) rather than continuing on happily driving like a "healthy" person would, I have to drive into the ditch, pound my fists on the dashboard, blame myself, scream obscenities and start crying . haha, okay maybe not the best metaphor but it describes my experience with that. haha always fun (not).

I'm glad you're in a stable relationship, that's always a plus. Good thoughts your way today!

[SwayintheBreeze]

The speed of light switch that changes from a happy experience to a crappy one is the most frustrating thing. The trigger that sets it off and never knowing when it will happen. soo frustrating. Or a word/phrase is spoken and in a few minutes (even an hour later) that word, phrase is still in my head and the room kinda goes bleak and dark and I realize my mood has changed. And I think back on how I was just a few moments ago and how now it's all different and the despair/rage/sadness returns.. *sigh*

So many triggers ..

My thoughts are with you Carmasia ..