[shezbut]

I can't seem to find a group of people on this site that can relate to my intense insecurities about my bf's. Perhaps it belongs in this category??

I have always had complete inability to accept my bf's and (now ex) hub looking at other women & "appreciating" their beauty. I become immediately infuriated, insecure, and a strong part of me is just dying to tell him to go F her if they want her that badly! Pretty intense reaction, I know. The only thing that stops me from allowing myself to yell these words at them is my fear of losing them due to my intense insecurity.

Am I an unusual extremist in here too? I can't stand myself for being so insecure, but I also feel SO intense on this subject...I can't see my perspective ever changing on this subject, which can become a HUGE issue in my romantic relationships.

I know I feel insecure a large part of the time. I've gotten over it with my husband because we've been together like forever, but I can't have any close friends because of it. The last person to abandon me that I'm still working hard to get over...he said one night that he'd spend it with me,!but something else came up, a possible dating opportunity, and he went out with her instead. I told him I understood and didn't give him any grief about changing his plans, but then I got completely smashed and started texting him to help me. I didn't mean to, but I was attempting to manipulate him on to returning. Yep...the situation may not be exactly the same.....but I "get it". Wish I didn't.....

[SwayintheBreeze]

Shez I am the same. With friends, bfs, and now husband (soon to be ex?). I have always been extremely insecure and whenever a bf would look at another girl, talk to another girl, I would definitely think they wanted her instead of me. And I have said that to them, followed by the pleading not to leave, manipulating them into staying or doing what I want.. Gosh.. I can totally relate and you and carm are not alone in that

[ECHOES]

Therapy helps so much with this. I struggle with it but not as much or as intensely.
We have to have a sense of self and self-worth before we can believe reassurances and hold onto them.

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by SwayintheBreeze

Shez I am the same.... .. And I have said that to them, followed by the pleading not to leave, manipulating them into staying or doing what I want..

SwayintheBreeze,

I haven't agreed with BPD's (or myself) as being manipulative before. Just the word makes me resentful with the world and I want to scream!! But I don't. I take a deep breath and hold that anger down within myself again. That's a bad habit of mine ~ always holding my true emotions down deep inside.

In those times when my bf is looking at another, I cannot describe how badly I want to bawl him out and pulverize him for looking. It's REALLY bad!! I hold all of those emotions inside of me though, and turn them against myself while I also push my bf away emotionally.

I do see a T, but I'm sure that he doesn't understand how intense I feel in times like these. Sorry that you've struggled with it too, but it's nice to know that someone understands the depth of my emotions!

[SwayintheBreeze]

Originally Posted by shezbut

SwayintheBreeze,

I haven't agreed with BPD's (or myself) as being manipulative before. Just the word makes me resentful with the world and I want to scream!! But I don't. I take a deep breath and hold that anger down within myself again. That's a bad habit of mine ~ always holding my true emotions down deep inside.

In those times when my bf is looking at another, I cannot describe how badly I want to bawl him out and pulverize him for looking. It's REALLY bad!! I hold all of those emotions inside of me though, and turn them against myself while I also push my bf away emotionally.

I do see a T, but I'm sure that he doesn't understand how intense I feel in times like these. Sorry that you've struggled with it too, but it's nice to know that someone understands the depth of my emotions!

I don't like the word "manipulate" but I realized in therapy that is is exactly what I personally do.. - realize I do and it makes me so sad.. I do understand how you feel about insecurities..

[ECHOES]

My therapist would say that 'manipulate' might be something else. It might be what we need to do, or it might be what we learned (and there is much to explore about that, especially the fears and insecurities they provoke).
I think it we communicate the way we know how, and it feels frustrating to me because I don't usually see it until after the fact, and I wish I had better direct communication skills.
I'm working on it, and noticing it is the first step.

Hey shez,

I think Echoes nailed it: we communicate the way we know how.

BPD's may come across as 'manipulative' because our emotions seem skewed and inflated. Our perceptions are skewed to begin with... we speak a different language, interpret things in the world differently and see the world from our own reality which is largely distorted.

I can't say if you are BPD, but I can relate to what you're saying. I have horrible insecurities, they often prevent me from doing things I want to do. They prevent me from having healthy romantic relationships often enough. What may seem like a friendly gesture will come across to me as a subtle flirtation. All of my abandonment fears rise to the surface and eventually bubble over in anger, sadness, desparation and self-hatred. My rationale and heart say "this is not the case." My disorder says "I will be alone. it's my fault. it's all their fault. how could they do this to me?"

Something I've picked up along the way is to remind myself... that FEAR is false evidence appearing real. Although logic doesn't work in this disorder as much as I'd hope, it reminds me I'm the one with the off-the-rails thought disorder and fear is a great way to fuel it.

It would be great to learn how to differentiate between:
these are the facts talking = real versus this is my disorder talking = fear.

I definitely know where you're coming from shez. I get pretty passionate about things, too. My emotions are incredibly intense. Which I try to always sugar coat with the fact that I'm a sensitive hopeless romantic...hah! this maybe worked for Shakespeare but it's become a parody, now I'm just BPD.

[damaged006]

I too have massive insecurities, fuelled I guess from previous let downs and greatly exaggerated by my maladaptive ways of thinking. Low self esteem becomes more and more destructive each time I encounter what I perceive to be a personal loss.
I wish I had answers and a magic wand to put it all right so I can experience the true joy from relationships.
Nat x