I started writing a journal...it's filled with obsessions, thoughts, fears, theories, paranoia, distorted perceptions --all relating to my distorted way of thinking...

I fall into despair.

I'm missing it all...There is a world outside of my head filled with joy and beauty. My writing can only reflect my distraught and paranoid thoughts. I want it to be filled with poetry, stories, moments of spiritual reflection, ideas about art, music, nature...

I was so engrossed in my f****d up thoughts I could barely hear the loons in the distance, the crickets' near-final song, baby birds discovering a whole world in a nearby nest tucked safe into an apple tree. the trees changing their outfits for the fall into something vivid and gawdy and then shedding their layers, naked and comatose for the dull mute of winter. I could look only briefly at the lazy puffy clouds bumping together and the sun hitting everything at twilight like a watercolor dream...

I am missing it all...

[SwayintheBreeze]

Originally Posted by stratocaster

I started writing a journal...it's filled with obsessions, thoughts, fears, theories, paranoia, distorted perceptions --all relating to my distorted way of thinking...

I fall into despair.

I'm missing it all...There is a world outside of my head filled with joy and beauty. My writing can only reflect my distraught and paranoid thoughts. I want it to be filled with poetry, stories, moments of spiritual reflection, ideas about art, music, nature...

I was so engrossed in my f****d up thoughts I could barely hear the loons in the distance, the crickets' near-final song, baby birds discovering a whole world in a nearby nest tucked safe into an apple tree. the trees changing their outfits for the fall into something vivid and gawdy and then shedding their layers, naked and comatose for the dull mute of winter. I could look only briefly at the lazy puffy clouds bumping together and the sun hitting everything at twilight like a watercolor dream...

I am missing it all...

Well done SC... Beautifully written

Don't read your writing...just write to get it out of your system and that's it. Don't throw it away; maybe one day you'll be able to, but not now. If you read your writing, all that will happen is you will fall in to despair and you'll feel whatever pain you were experiencing at the time. I am a life-long journal writer who's always written the most when I'm in despair or feeling desperate. To this day, I can't read things I wrote 30 years ago without feeling it...it just brings back all of the stuff I DON'T want to remember. Keep writing, though. It will help and provide some relief went you feel pent up and just need to release some of it.

Thank you...

That's a good idea, carm. I don't read my writing much, I try to just keep moving forward with it. I am grieving the fact that this way of thinking prevents me from seeing and experiencing the wonder of the world.

I am locked in a thought paradigm...while life has so much to offer. I am consumed by this disorder.

The old cliche of a bird in a cage, watching other birds soar through the clouds, feed their young, sing joyful songs, breath the sweet air. I can only see things from behind the bars...I dream of freedom. I feel the door is open, but I don't know how to fly....the whole world awaits full of new things to learn, pages to write, sensualities to experience. Yet I am walking in circles pulling out my own feathers.

[wildgopher]

hey stratocaster

sorry to hear things are so hard with your thoughts :/ i think its great to journal out your thoughts/ whats going on in your mind, fears, etc...

have you verbalized any of those thoughts to your trusted friends or family? it helps me when i meet with others in person who can see into my head to, or see what i see.

are you saying you feel like theres so much to explore out there, but you aren't able to experience it? maybe you can spend a certain amount of time writing... and then block out time to try new things/ explore what you want to?

is there anything immediate you're wanting to discover? what do you think is holding you back from trying it?

sorry if im misreading you. thanks for sharing.

Hi wild,
Thank you.

I can see what is available, it is right in front of me. I am fascinated by the wonder of the world. I am emersed in it. Nature: oceans, soil, plants, weather, animals, insects. People: smiles, eye contact, conversation, hand holding, embraces. Art: music, literature, paintings, theater. Abstracts: love, friendship, kindness, freedom, empathy, integrity..yet...

I can not see, feel, taste, experience or fully grasp these things. Not completely. I am weighed down by my obsessive, contrived, and fearful perceptions. I am trapped in my head: what will they think of me? do they love me? will I be alone? why am I this way? how do I heal? why is my passion so intense? if I paint this painting who will validate it? for instance...

rather than...why does water not hesitate? how is it possible that such complex ecosystems exist in the ground? how is it that artists can convey such emotions with such limited means? how much beauty and joy is in the world? does this painting I have painted express my own awe of the world? Does it inspire? ...I am missing it all. I am grieving for lost experience...

I am physically there, surrounded by nature (I live in a beautiful place) with like-minded artists, musicians and people striving to grasp at beauty, they see it, they breathe it, they live it! My thoughts consume so much of my waking time, I fall short of the joyful ,authentic experience of life!

I do not want my identity to be my disorder...even my desires revolve around it...I want to be free. I am searching for a way to ground myself, to live without betraying thoughts...

(DBT it is then)