From a very, very young age, my mom always pounded in me "you don't share your personal problems with anybody". Over the years, I have become a master of that. I almost never talk to anyone about anything that I'm feeling, particularily stuff related to the BPD, and I'm fairly good at hiding my most extreme emotions most of the time. I wait until I'm alone in the bedroom or in the car and I yell and cry and talk to myself and I keep a journal which becomes extensive when things are rough. This not talking extends to my husband and my family. I worked really hard to talk to my husband about it, but he basically pooh-poohed the whole idea that I had an issue. Needless to say, it's almost impossible for me to open up again. The main reason I'm having such extensive abandonment issues now is because it was the first time that I opened up to anyone in many, many years and the sense of loss and betrayal is beyond words. Needless to say, I can write better than I can talk, particularily since I don't actually know any of you, but I'm scared that some of those feelings will eventually come out here as well since I'm talking openly and "spilling the beans".
Of all the people I know, I believe my mother-in-law has the most open mind and if anyone can understand, she can, but I'm terrified of talking. Anyone else feel this way? Anyone have any suggestions at all? I know that my issues will only be overcomed with the help of therapy, and I'm hoping that will come soon, but between the move and current lack of money and insurance, it has to wait. Also, does anyone know of any way to find local BPD support groups? Right now, you guys ARE my support group and knowing others are fighting the same issues has helped immensely, but in the end, it's not going to be enough. Please help of you can. Been feeling more alone than usual due to the move. I need your support.

[amy90]

I repress my emotions a lot, because it wasn't 'the done thing' to show one's emotions in my house. As a result, I find that I can't face them, they are far too overwhelming, and I can't talk about them to anyone either, because it means that I have to feel them and express them.

So I push them down until something happens and then the reaction is so out of proportion to the situation that people look at me like I'm crazy.

My therapist has been trying to get me to express my feelings and talk about them but I keep distracting or diverting to something else and she points this out all the time, but I'm so afraid that if I let my emotions out that I might not be able to stop So you are not alone in this *hugs*

[perniciousfirefly]

talk to someone impartial (ie counsellor, therapist)
have some you time.

when i wanna talk there nooone, when im a shell people probe me.

keep a journal for a talk therapist or those ya trust.x

all my best wishes.x

Thank you for your posts and suggestions. We just moved across country, but therapy is definitely in my near future. I may try the on-line therapy...don't know. One way or another, I guess. Just a hard time, logistically, to see someone. New area, everything new. It helps in some ways....no memories of everything I see, and makes it so much harder in others. Thanks again. I'm so glad I found PC and people willing to help.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I can't even see a therapist cause I have no insurance or money either. The indigent centers are defunct. (might have told you already). I am happy for you that you can look forward to it at least.

Sometimes I still wish I could talk to someone professional, but after all those terrible experiences I had with them, I can't right now, anyway. I am all locked up.

This group is the only place that I too can talk. Esp about bpd and that awful stigma that even pro's have.

And I get scared even to talk here.

Only some unexplained force moves me to.

Billi

Originally Posted by perniciousfirefly

talk to someone impartial (ie counsellor, therapist)
have some you time.

when i wanna talk there nooone, when im a shell people probe me.

keep a journal for a talk therapist or those ya trust.x

all my best wishes.x

That's the problem, I don't trust anyone enough to talk one-on-one. I trust my husband, but he doesn't get it at all. I don't want/can't to talk to a wall.

[SwayintheBreeze]

Originally Posted by carmasia

That's the problem, I don't trust anyone enough to talk one-on-one. I trust my husband, but he doesn't get it at all. I don't want/can't to talk to a wall.

I feel the same Carmasia.. I havent even told my husband about my diagnosis because he will not understand.. It's a lost cause I know .. I am alone with this information instead of being supported by the person who should be supporting me.

Originally Posted by SwayintheBreeze

I feel the same Carmasia.. I havent even told my husband about my diagnosis because he will not understand.. It's a lost cause I know .. I am alone with this information instead of being supported by the person who should be supporting me.

Thanks so much.....it's just been so...hard.

[HelpPlease199]

Am unhappy and growing a self hate rapidly. Plus am severely unsocial and paranoid, afraid to live. I stay in the walls of my room, in my own world. I feel I can't talk to anyone, I have no friends. It seems am unable to communicate well, or other can't relate. I find myself in tears most days, morning, and alone at night. Loneliness is a big part of my depression. I am sure I have a mental disorder. Even if am clinically proven sane, am admit and want to be insane. I think of myself as a big weirdo. Happiness is tedious to find. I cry a lot saying to myself " I want to be happy". I wish I could feel that way. That's what I tell myself everyday. Also I am a underachiever. My physical appearance is rotting. Have immense self-esteem issues, which add to my low confidence, and I can be too sensitive at times. I was sexual abuse as a child and never told anyone. Each day seem worst then the last and thoughts of suicide are periodic. I don't know what to do.

Originally Posted by HelpPlease199

Am unhappy and growing a self hate rapidly. Plus am severely unsocial and paranoid, afraid to live. I stay in the walls of my room, in my own world. I feel I can't talk to anyone, I have no friends. It seems am unable to communicate well, or other can't relate. I find myself in tears most days, morning, and alone at night. Loneliness is a big part of my depression. I am sure I have a mental disorder. Even if am clinically proven sane, am admit and want to be insane. I think of myself as a big weirdo. Happiness is tedious to find. I cry a lot saying to myself " I want to be happy". I wish I could feel that way. That's what I tell myself everyday. Also I am a underachiever. My physical appearance is rotting. Have immense self-esteem issues, which add to my low confidence, and I can be too sensitive at times. I was sexual abuse as a child and never told anyone. Each day seem worst then the last and thoughts of suicide are periodic. I don't know what to do.

If therapy is an option, you really need to consider it. I know a lot of people resist going (I'm one of them) or can't go due to finances (I fit that category too at the moment), but I would recommend it so you can at least get some things off of your chest and find out what is wrong. In the meantime, use PC as a type of therapy. It helps you realize that you are not as alone as you seem and that in itself goes a long way for me. You can make "friends" yet stay anonymous and not get too uncomfortabally close. Good luck and we're here for you.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by carmasia

That's the problem, I don't trust anyone enough to talk one-on-one. I trust my husband, but he doesn't get it at all. I don't want/can't to talk to a wall.

case in point.

I just can't trust them anymore to be there for me without leaving me or cursing me or catching them sighing, talking about me, stealing glances at the clock, purposely being late or ending early, etc... How can I after going thru that?

Now, when Bruce starts rubbing his forehead, tuning me out, etc., I stop talking and walk away to my room, then call Ani. Or come here...

[SwayintheBreeze]

Originally Posted by billi_leli

case in point.

I just can't trust them anymore to be there for me without leaving me or cursing me or catching them sighing, talking about me, stealing glances at the clock, purposely being late or ending early, etc... How can I after going thru that?

Now, when Bruce starts rubbing his forehead, tuning me out, etc., I stop talking and walk away to my room, then call Ani. Or come here...

I hear ya billi
I hate that feeling when I think people are just there.. like they've tuned out or zoned out or whatever.. Way to make a person feel even LESS valuable.. ugh

Originally Posted by SwayintheBreeze

I hear ya billi
I hate that feeling when I think people are just there.. like they've tuned out or zoned out or whatever.. Way to make a person feel even LESS valuable.. ugh

I get what you're both saying and agree wholeheartedly, but as hard as it is, we need to remember that we often perceive things that aren't really there or our minds exaggerate things to make us miserable. I know that doesn't make it easier to deal with it, but I'm hoping that keeping that in mind will one day make a difference or some day a light will go off. ~sigh~

[SwayintheBreeze]

Originally Posted by carmasia

I get what you're both saying and agree wholeheartedly, but as hard as it is, we need to remember that we often perceive things that aren't really there or our minds exaggerate things to make us miserable. I know that doesn't make it easier to deal with it, but I'm hoping that keeping that in mind will one day make a difference or some day a light will go off. ~sigh~

You're right Carmasia... it's hard to remember that when I'm feeling it but perhaps the reality is different than what I think it is.. *sigh* I'm working on being positive can you tell?

[optimize990h]

when I can't talk about something, it usually means I can't talk to the person I need to talk to. I don't because it will just lead into an argument and making me more depressed. I feel like one person who blogged that as she walked down the street, she would pull a stranger aside and tell part of what it was that she needed to express. She continued this until she had verbally expressed her thoughts completely with a paragraph for each stranger she met. I thought that was an interesting way to get everything out without requiring a response from any one.

I don't have a T, so I rely on PC to portion out bits and pieces of a puzzle that eventually relieves me of what I need exorcised.

Originally Posted by SwayintheBreeze

You're right Carmasia... it's hard to remember that when I'm feeling it but perhaps the reality is different than what I think it is.. *sigh* I'm working on being positive can you tell?

I'm great at "talking the talk" but that doesn't make it easier. Maybe I'm just trying to convince myself....

Originally Posted by optimize990h

when I can't talk about something, it usually means I can't talk to the person I need to talk to. I don't because it will just lead into an argument and making me more depressed. I feel like one person who blogged that as she walked down the street, she would pull a stranger aside and tell part of what it was that she needed to express. She continued this until she had verbally expressed her thoughts completely with a paragraph for each stranger she met. I thought that was an interesting way to get everything out without requiring a response from any one.

I don't have a T, so I rely on PC to portion out bits and pieces of a puzzle that eventually relieves me of what I need exorcised.

Many of us use PC for that purpose. Better than being completely alone....

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by carmasia

I get what you're both saying and agree wholeheartedly, but as hard as it is, we need to remember that we often perceive things that aren't really there or our minds exaggerate things to make us miserable. I know that doesn't make it easier to deal with it, but I'm hoping that keeping that in mind will one day make a difference or some day a light will go off. ~sigh~

It's hard to know if it's perceived or real, but more often than not in my experience, it's been real. I am attempting not to take it so personally either way. Still I hold to the fact that I cannot trust anyone with my head right now. They have just abused me so much. I refuse, right now (maybe I might change my mind *later* idk) to put myself back in that place to get hurt again by someone I should trust.

thanks,

Billi

Originally Posted by carmasia

From a very, very young age, my mom always pounded in me "you don't share your personal problems with anybody". Over the years, I have become a master of that. I almost never talk to anyone about anything that I'm feeling, particularily stuff related to the BPD, and I'm fairly good at hiding my most extreme emotions most of the time. I wait until I'm alone in the bedroom or in the car and I yell and cry and talk to myself and I keep a journal which becomes extensive when things are rough. This not talking extends to my husband and my family. I worked really hard to talk to my husband about it, but he basically pooh-poohed the whole idea that I had an issue. Needless to say, it's almost impossible for me to open up again. The main reason I'm having such extensive abandonment issues now is because it was the first time that I opened up to anyone in many, many years and the sense of loss and betrayal is beyond words. Needless to say, I can write better than I can talk, particularily since I don't actually know any of you, but I'm scared that some of those feelings will eventually come out here as well since I'm talking openly and "spilling the beans".
Of all the people I know, I believe my mother-in-law has the most open mind and if anyone can understand, she can, but I'm terrified of talking. Anyone else feel this way? Anyone have any suggestions at all? I know that my issues will only be overcomed with the help of therapy, and I'm hoping that will come soon, but between the move and current lack of money and insurance, it has to wait. Also, does anyone know of any way to find local BPD support groups? Right now, you guys ARE my support group and knowing others are fighting the same issues has helped immensely, but in the end, it's not going to be enough. Please help of you can. Been feeling more alone than usual due to the move. I need your support.

Hey carm, was this the thread you referred to in the other post?

I, like you, was also taught at a young age to 'NOT EVER talk about personal problems'. Basically whatever went on in my house as a kid was our business. Whatever went on in my head was my business. The world should NEVER know.

ALSO, I am like you in the way that I have a horrible time talking. First, I CANT talk...I even stutter sometimes when I'm trying to get things out...I feel I come across as extremely unintelligent because I have this verbal lag. I have to often stop in the middle and gather what I'm saying. Second, I can NOT open up to people. I had to force myself (which involved the life or death situation of my alcoholism) to open up to my sponsor. My program of recovery suggests for me to confide in another person. This is hard. But seeing as how it was the drink or me, I had to do it. Counsellors and therapists in the past have also been struggle. I've tried hard to be open toward people but I struggle with it on a daily basis.

Although, I don't suggest forcing yourself to open up to people. It left me feeling vulnerable and very scared. Like you, again, I express myself best via writing. It is just easier, it flows much better. I'm comfortable with it.

I always know that when I'm having a hard time opening up to someone, writing to them is the best way. As far as suggestions, hmm, I'm trying to think what I would be comfortable with.... certainly you're here opening up, you're safe and it's cool, people are supportive, yes. That is a HUGE start, carm...that's awesome. (Lost my train of thought, my stepkid needed something)...but I was thinking about this...

Because you feel comfortable in this forum, yes i would suggest finding a local bpd support group, if you can't find one locally, you can find one with a live online chat! (do they have one here?) That gives me practice in real-time conversations rather than words sent 3 hours ago. I think this would be a great start because you can open up to others with the same problems. This is the case in a RL support group. It is much more accessible than sitting there with a counsellor who is sometimes harder to open up to than those who've walked in your shoes.

I would try this first...I do know that in larger cities there are more than just 'alcoholics anonymous' groups. There are those devoted to recovery and support for a variety of mental health problems. Try to look in the same section as AA would show up in of your local papers. You may luck out and find a peer group.

It is also much easier for me to open up to someone when we're doing something together (weeding the garden, jogging, watching a tv show --only have to talk on commercials etc.) Then I have something to fall back on if I feel awkward or want to forget the whole thing. I'm not just 'sitting down and talking with someone' which can add tremendous pressure.

Maybe this helps, I try and talk to people but it's soooo hard. I say stick with what you're comfortable with now, and move forward slowly? This is all I got. Best wishes.

[andrea2135]

I can totally relate I never show my emotions, nor do I ever tell anyone how I feel. The end result is I do something drastic like cut or try to commit suicide which I've tried 9 times in the past year. The problem is I grew up in a household where no one showed there emotions the only emotion was anger and that is the only emotion I ever learned how to show and that is still the only one I display. As far as any other emotions I feel to embarrassed or I do not want to burden others with my problems. I do go to therapy and still have a hard time getting everything out there as well. So I feel for you and what you are going through.

[Stormy Seas]

I too from a very early age was told not to share or tell any one our business,( family issues )Not to tell any one how I feel , Some how like my feelings ,thoughts were all bad , I felt I didn't deserve to have any feelings, I still can't handle having feelings with out thinking I'm a bad person.I feel like I'm unworthy to have any real feelings or emotions .
My hubs doesn't talk to me , When I try and talk to him , he just stares through me or says let's talk about it later ( which will never happen )
Hugs and support

Originally Posted by stratocaster

Hey carm, was this the thread you referred to in the other post?

The threads I was referring to were ones I wrote when I first started on PC and before a lot of you guys started. You don't have to go to them if you don't wish, but I'd you want to, one was about Radical Acceptance....about my move, and the other was something like Long Story but I Can't Hold It In Anymore-The long sordid, messed up story about my abandonment issues. They are probably about three or so weeks back and you might need to temporarily change settings to get to it. To be honest, I'm kinda embarrassed about them now, but all of that was fresh and I'd just joined PC and still felt pretty alone. Things are getting better, slowly but surely.