idealization

how do you deal with idealization, when you have totally idealized someone, and are just always thinking about them, extremely wonderful thoughts, when you know in reality they are human just like anyone else?

i've idealized several people in the past, only to find them completely devalued. the person ive idealized right now, i don't even interact with that much anymore, but i'd just like to stop obsessing. any advice on this would be great thanks.

ive heard i should get to know the idealized persons in a group setting, like just getting to know them better to see their flaws, etc., however im not able to do this at this time... and i just can't seem to break the "perfect" picture i have of them. even the flaws im aware that they have are just very attractive.

Have you tried reminding yourself of the pain that you had to go through during your past idealizations, only to finally let go of your previous idols in misery?

For example, I once spent months following an ex-bf around. I was completely obsessed with him! I'd call him several times per day, try to meet whenever I possibly could, and spent A LOT of time fantasizing about "what if he loved me too?". I never liked to think about the pain that brought on my obsession. Never thought about the reality ~ that I didn't mean squat to him, and he couldn't have possibly cared less about me. It took several months for me to see this reality, and when I did I hurt even worse.

Since that time in my life, I've never again devoted nearly as much of myself into any romantic relationship that I've been in. I automatically remind myself of how everyone has ulterior motives...always! Therefore, he isn't perfect. That's not to say that I can't be with men, it just says that I don't completely trust them. I will not give them my all. They will have to prove themselves worthy before I fully let go again.

I don't know if my perspective helps you at all. But, I sure hope that it does! Idealization is never healthy for you. You merely close your eyes to the flaws until it hurts too much to keep closing your eyes. Remind yourself of that whenever you find yourself daydreaming obsessively and thinking that the person is absolutely perfect.

Btw, to Psych Central!

hey there thanks for the kind welcome

well i know there are some other issues going on... like.. she's a woman, kind of a mentor role (and im female, 21). i don't want to get into the whole "gay" thing, and also i just want to pursue a healthy friendship.

thanks for sharing your personal examples... yes i do try to remember no one is worthy of worship but God (my personal belief), and do see this person is an idol... except i know in reality she does care, not just for me but several others in a mentor type role. it hurts thinking about the reality though, like you said, about the reality of what their care is like.

i try to engage with other people, live in the moment, replacing the thoughts... sometimes i think though that this is mere avoidance/ denial, not actually dealing with my feelings. anyhow.. maybe this helps identify more of whats going on.. again thanks for the feedback.

also thats a good idea, remembering what it was like in the past. i know the facts, and i know in my head she is human, but i don't believe it in my heart, and can't change my feelings. i know i can do something about my thoughts though to help my feelings.. so thats what im working on.. redeeming my obsessive thoughts.. or how to do that.

I, unfortunately, can't give you advice. At least you realize you're doing it. That's a start in the right direction. All I can say is be careful in future relationships until you able to work out your feelings. You're not alone in feeling this way and we'll support you any way we can...

Hey wildgopher, (great name btw)

I also can't give you any advice on how to stop this way of thinking. But...I can identify...It's one thing to say that people are fallible and will inevitably dissapoint us if we place them on pedestals, it's another to put that into practice. The way I've been doing this lately is to avoid any and all expectations... (simply dissapointments waiting to happen). If I can separate the perceived person from the real person that's would be wonderful! Unfortunately I don't know how to do that, I'm just not at that place yet.

Another thing though, having idealizations that a person is perfect and has no qualities that are less than redeeming makes me out to be less than (even if I'm not doing it consciously). The more I idealize someone, the more I'm deflating myself. I place too much value on the person and then my mind will gravitate toward that idealization (maybe they will idealize me too? because what else do I want but to have myself validated by someone who I think is so amazing? I personally have a hard time validating myself and thus gravitate toward self-deprication and negative thoughts about myself.) Once this person lets me down, I will be dissapointed even more (i thought they were perfect? how can someone so fallible now validate me?) I have to remember I'm pretty cool, too...(not perfect, not a piece of crap either) and the same goes for the other person.

Again, this is very hard to put into practice, but cognitive behavioral stuff works around changing thinking patterns...Try remembering experiences you've had with this person (even if you can't have current ones) write on a piece of paper: reality vs. idealization in two columns. Write down the facts vs. the fabrications.
reality: she's nice. she has strong values. idealization: she has never done anything wrong. she has never hurt someone. reality: she's smart. idealization: she's a genius! (is her iq over 250? probably not)

Maybe writing it down can help us see how much we are denying reality?

Anyway sorry for rambling, I got off on some thoughts there. Also, I am only speaking from my own experiences.

Like others have said at least you can see what you're doing...We can't make a change until we realize what we have to change. It takes a lot to admit where we are at fault (just means we're fallible too, but not less than).

Taken from two separate articles on black and white thinking.

1. Accept that you’re not perfect. You’re human – you make mistakes, you’re fallible, you’re imperfect, and you’re vulnerable. Believing that we can achieve what’s not achievable – perfection - helps us to accept that we’re unfinished. We may be accomplished, brilliant, and unique, but we’ll never arrive at the destination we’re trying to reach when the standard we’ve set for ourselves is perfection.
2. The next time you feel judgmental, stop and ask why. Is it because you’re expecting too much of others? Maybe your expectations of your own perfection are being placed on others. Aren’t other people entitled to be just as human as you are?
3. Try to find the gray in one situation today. Things can be both good and bad, and people can be both capable and incomplete, self-confident and self-effacing, talented and average, and extraordinary and no more special than anyone else. Take the time to realize that we’re all in this together as humans.

Open your mind to new ideas. While of course it makes sense to think of whatever situation you're face with using an open mind, it's also important to keep your mind open at all times, not just when you're looking at a specific situation. Keeping an open mind can help you to think about the world differently, which will allow you to approach any situation (even the one you're looking at through an all-or-nothing lens) with new eyes. When you remain open-minded, you're likely to perceive a situation as it is rather than how you think it should be. New ideas are always useful and it's especially important to be open to them when you're trying to stop seeing the world in black and white.

Let go of your expectations. Personally I find that expectations are one of the main reasons all-or-nothing thinking happens to me. I think something "should" be a certain way, so I am either eager to accept the situation as normal when it happens as I thought it should or I am quickly disappointed when the situation doesn't meet my expectations. Letting go of expectations is one of the keys to ridding your mind of all-or-nothing thoughts. Expectations -- those little "should" and "should nots" in your mind -- can really force you into thinking in extremes. Letting go of the notions of how you think the world should or shouldn't be will really help those black and white thoughts to turn to shades of gray.

Look for the gray areas. While it's tempting, as I said, to fall into the "black" or "white" mentality, keep in mind that there are almost always gray areas. In almost everything situation, there are different layers and different ways of looking at whatever you may be faced with. It's easy to slip into that "black or white" thinking because it comes so readily to most of us. However, it's worth it to give any situation you see in black or white a little more thought to see what's truly happening rather than accepting your initial reaction.

Try to see things as they are. Much as I hate to admit it, I tend to see things the way I want to see them rather than the way they really are and this can be a major problem. It's often this distorted thinking that causes me to see the "black" or "white" in a situation because I'm taking what I see and transforming it in my mind. When you actually look at situation as it is, you're much more likely to see the layers and complexity of it. You're much more likely to avoid extreme thinking if you do what you can to remove yourself emotionally from a situation and really look at what's actually happening.

Avoid labeling with a single word. This one sounds simple, but it's important. When you think of something in terms of one word, you're limiting it immediately. Think about it like this... If someone asks how your day is, you usually respond with words like "Good!" or "Terrible." And even phrases, like "It was okay...", can be limiting. When you label a situation/person/etc. with a single word or phrase, you're instantly limiting it. Recognizing that everyday is more than "good" or "bad" is a great way to start realizing that situations are always more complex than a single descriptive phrase. Open yourself up to describing things in detail (at least in your mind) to avoid those thoughts in black and white.

carmasia, thanks so much for the kind words/ support. yes its great advice to be careful about future relationships. i've been really working on that, and not very fearful about idealizing others like this in the future.. ive been learning i can get to know them slowly, and in groups, not share personal things with them immediately... to go through the stages of friendship with them, and not immediately share things that just like tie me to them. ive written down some personal boundaries too, that's helpful.

stratocaster, super helpful to read you, appreciate your input. what you said about avoiding expectations, as they are disappointments waiting to happen --- soo true. will think on that/ consider what my expectations are... also i really like that, trying to separate the real person from the perceived person.

also i totally think those thoughts! wishing they would idealize me too, or atleast (conceited i know) think something wonderful about me, or in some way gain validation from them. "being validated by someone who i think is so amazing" - yupp. seems like a lot of this is wrapped up around self-worth... ooo i really like that facts vs. fabrications. i will do it today, thank you

xxxispillcoffeexxx - good words from the articles. hm i haven't considered expectations so much... good to take into account. i liked the way that explained black/ white - extreme thinking, versus seeing gray... how things really are versus how we (i) want to see them. also this is good "removing yourself emotionally from a situation."... practicing objectivity...

...

so i hope its ok to level with you guys. i know this lady from another forum actually, she is an administrator there and counsels people through other issues. so my only real interaction with her is through the forum! ive considered even just leaving it for good, but i am sooo well connected there, consider them my family, have been there like 4 years, just find a good community there. where the obsessive thoughts come in --- i used to idealize other people, and i know this has transferred onto her.

a couple weeks ago i went to visit their weekly support group (where they physically meet in person - and i have met them before). we aren't even in the same state. i had just wanted to say hi to them all/ spend some in person time with them before a military committment of mine started. except now --- now all i think about in my mind is that parking lot and building where she works. like all my thoughts revert to that, or her, or my past interactions with her (or what she might think of me, or what i say on there, etc.). for example today, i knew she was coming back to work (it was labor day), and she would comment on all our stuff on that forum. she is extremely boundaried though, praise God for that!

she is aware i have issues with her, though im very sensitive to what i tell her as i don't want to be violating - and i really don't want to harm her in any way with my problems - and she suggests me to learn how to work it out, like instead of running away (or cutting off the whole relationship as i've had to do in the past) - to work through it, until i relate in a healthy way with her. she says its like learning to drive my emotional car. we swerve to the left and right, but with practice... we learn how to drive.

i have spent lots of time off that forum/ away before to try to help this. each time only "missing" it deeply, and feeling disconnected when i come back. ive worked hard to have a balance there with real life... (I dont spend all day there or anything, i live very much in the real world, though i do have some good friends i like to talk to on there/ see how they're doing).

anyhow sorry all the verbage. maybe more details about the situation can help? i welcome further comments or advice. thanks so much. looking forward to the list of facts vs. fabrications today hope you all have a nice day too.