[Altinak]

Hi.

I have depression quite bad at the moment but also been told I have traits of BPD. Im just trying to gather some information.

It might turn into a bit of a ramble; just for the simple fact that as I write this I feel different inside than to what I feel I project on to paper (so to speak haha).
Anybody else experience that?

My main question actually was; I notice that for a lot of people when they are depressed or just generally frustrated they have a tedency to cry...

I dont. In fact I find it incredibely difficult to cry and always have. It used to set me off with SI due to the fact that I wanted to cry ----> Couldnt cry so it made me want to cry.. Constant cycle lol.

I never really understood why because I can always cry to my dad if he shouts at me but when others shout I tear up then switch off.
Go blank and feel nothing..

Last time I saught out counselling two years ago even the T commented on 'how I just shut down.'

So here is my two questions...

1) Would that be classed as a form of disassociation or 'disconnection'.

2) Does anybody else here find it incredibly difficult to cry?

Thanks

Originally Posted by Altinak

Hi.

I have depression quite bad at the moment but also been told I have traits of BPD. Im just trying to gather some information.

It might turn into a bit of a ramble; just for the simple fact that as I write this I feel different inside than to what I feel I project on to paper (so to speak haha).
Anybody else experience that?

My main question actually was; I notice that for a lot of people when they are depressed or just generally frustrated they have a tedency to cry...

I dont. In fact I find it incredibely difficult to cry and always have. It used to set me off with SI due to the fact that I wanted to cry ----> Couldnt cry so it made me want to cry.. Constant cycle lol.

I never really understood why because I can always cry to my dad if he shouts at me but when others shout I tear up then switch off.
Go blank and feel nothing..

Last time I saught out counselling two years ago even the T commented on 'how I just shut down.'

So here is my two questions...

1) Would that be classed as a form of disassociation or 'disconnection'.

2) Does anybody else here find it incredibly difficult to cry?

Thanks

Altinak,

Wow. I have never met anyone like me. I don't ever cry. Not for emotional reasons anyway. I didn't even cry when my brother died. It is like a switch flips and I shut down completely. Empty, Nothing. I also SI when I feel pain, but I can not make myself cry.

I feel bad, like people are looking at me wondering now I can be so cold. I have to fake a painful sad-eyed face just so I don't appear to be a complete jerk. But inside, I feel no empathy. I feel nothing at all.

Thank you for posting this, Altinak. I really thought that I was the only BPD patient that behaved in this way. I also feel absolutely nothing if anyone leaves me. I used to severely as a child,but then one day it was as if I took a sharp jagged blade to the invisible cord that connects us with those that we love and cut it straight through. In an instant it was gone. No more feeling, no more pain. Just emptiness. Do you have that ,too?

Very Curious,

-Fleeing Bellocq

[Altinak]

Originally Posted by fleeingbellocq

Altinak,

Wow. I have never met anyone like me. I don't ever cry. Not for emotional reasons anyway. I didn't even cry when my brother died. It is like a switch flips and I shut down completely. Empty, Nothing. I also SI when I feel pain, but I can not make myself cry.

I feel bad, like people are looking at me wondering now I can be so cold. I have to fake a painful sad-eyed face just so I don't appear to be a complete jerk. But inside, I feel no empathy. I feel nothing at all.

Thank you for posting this, Altinak. I really thought that I was the only BPD patient that behaved in this way. I also feel absolutely nothing if anyone leaves me. I used to severely as a child,but then one day it was as if I took a sharp jagged blade to the invisible cord that connects us with those that we love and cut it straight through. In an instant it was gone. No more feeling, no more pain. Just emptiness. Do you have that ,too?

Very Curious,

-Fleeing Bellocq

Oh yeah, I never cried at my grandads funeral, I cried a little later on but only because my brother kept shouting at me and I got frustrated.

Yeah; like if I hear a really sad story or whatever Im just kind of like.. Im sorry to hear that. I also just go blank. I feel nothing. There are times where I just whine like a 3 year old to try and get the crying started but it never works.
I used to say self harm was my crying.. Its bizarre.

Oh yeah thats what made me question BPD. Im terrified of being alone/abondened but instead of freaking out I just shut down altogether.. No crying nothing. My dad threatened to kick me out 'to jolt me into reality' and I just shut down completely.

Im so glad you replied its nice to see someone going through the same as me. I thought I was just weird x)

Hope to hear from you soon xx

[powertools321]

TRIGGER ALERT

Altinak, if you're weird then we are all weird together. Sometimes I cry and other times not, the times that I don't, I feel bad that I don't cry or show the emotion, like I'm broken and ashamed of it. I remember one time that I was hospitalized and I was put into an isolation room, I started kicking at the windows trying to break them out and when I got so exhausted I just broke down sobbing from the depths of my soul (it felt great), but when they opened up the door to bring in the stretcher to strap me down all emotions switched off.

[Altinak]

Oh yeah. I guess it also comes from a fear of being vulnerable.

Im just happy to see Im not alone

[melstar]

Oh yeah you definetly are not alone. I do the same thing. When I really want to cry I can't. It is like a switch is shut off and nothing..... It is soooo frusturating. I have found that I do cry when I really don't want to though like when I am being yelled at and I really want to keep my composure, then the tears flow quite freely. But when I am really hurting and need to cry there are no tears to be found or there are only minimal tears and then they are gone. I find that I end up getting very angry because I can't cry. I also SI because of it. I have also been told that I have BPD traits. So you are definetly not alone hun!!

[Altinak]

Oh yeah I get that, when I try and keep composure I feel myself choking up but even then it sometimes switches off.

Heck, when I want to cry but dont sometimes 30 mins later I feel like I have.. You know, like that weird feeling in your stomach LOL

Thank you

[Lil Ant Lady]

Not all people who suffer depression cry.... They also feel as you do. It's just a way that depression can manifest itself xx