[youwillrise]

this week...i guess ive been okay...ish. i still feel underlying distress, but it's not getting me as much as it did last week. last week was full of crying and weirdness.

this week, i feel it in my body, but emotionally...im just "eh..."

past few days ive oddly been sleeping very well. falling asleep easily. no anxiety. it's weird, but i like it.

lets keep it this way!!!!!!!!

went to see my parents today. found out my mother was finally diagnosed with...wait for it...depression.

in my mind i was like whuuuuh? that's it? but whatever...

had a decent conversation with her for the first time in God knows how long, though, at least. sort of tried to mention that it was partially her fault that i am the way i am, but she just wanted to throw all the blame on my great grandma. but whatever...

group meeting this afternoon went great. really enjoyed it. got to be not me.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

After all the work I did, I am still not perfect.

I was at an online meeting and the leader said she was going to call on me and did not.

I could have stood up to her and said, "Wait---I thought I was next..." And then stayed in the room.

I guess my pride still gets in the way.

I said, "I thought I was next..."

and then left the room.

I left cause I was too afraid to be so exposed.

I was feeling humiliated.

Like I was slapped in the face in front of the whole group. No one stood up for me, either.

Okay.

I am not giving up on recovery.

Or groups.

I did report the leader.

I am not sure what's going to happen.

I told them I would forgive a human error, but not being treated like a second-class member not being allowed to share.

Still working on it.

BPD is so hard. (tears)

Carol

Doing alright today. it's Thriday to me. (yeah I know you're asking what I mean) It's thursday but my friday cus I have tomorrow off = "Thriday"!

*is happy. he's getting Wendy's today for lunch!* I know trivial to many of you but i have no car and my sweet coworker said she is going there anyway.. and offered to bring something back! Don't get fast food often lately.

[youwillrise]

today's been a calm day. a few of the children are sick, so they were out. the classroom felt good and productive today.

[BorderlineMess]

I am about two seconds away from walking out of my job and quitting. I'm having a meltdown and I don't know what to do to prevent it.

Feel empty, Maybe seeing T has something to do with it.

My landline phone, cable, and broadband all died. All I have is my cell and a very limited data plan (since I'm almost always at home on the broadband). I wonder if my husband forgot to pay the bill. A little irritated but not too bad yet. Do feel kinda isolated, though. It's really easy to get attached to things. At least I wasn't working, though I did have to put an abrupt stop to a project I was working on.

Reading up on Divorce law in NC and feeling good about things. woop! I want to be the custodial parent, and I think that will be hard for her to fight. If I'm the custodial parent, most likely if anyone owes child support it will be her, although I don't think she will since she makes ummm NOTHING? lol

[greentires4me]

a little annoyed at someone for suggesting that I quit drinking and quit doing the behaviours that are happening with BPD. Also feel very put off and standoffish

Here.

Fleeing

[youwillrise]

ever.y.thing is annoying the crap out of me past couple days.

mercury is going into retrograde soon...i'll use that excuse. yeah. that'll do.

[kala83]

been having kind of a rough week lots of ups and downs in new relationships. Its actually a fairly health relationship which is new for me.
But I have a lot of issues with trust.

my anxiety levels went through the roof this week and I need to talk to phsytraist about putting me on better meds to manage my anxiety better.

Flipped the eff out at my friend over text message today and barely saw it coming. I made a comment about something he was doing not being fair (and it wasn't) and then *BAM!* the little snowball turned into an avalanche of anger with me saying things like I didn't want to talk to him for a while and blah-de-blah-de-blah. Had the situation been completely as I'd seen it, I would have been justified (though my anger was pretty irrational). But as we know, things are never as they seem on the surface. My fear and trust issues made it so that I immediately pushed him away and ran for cover. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I have no idea why this person remains my friend through all my BPD crap, but I'm so so thankful that he does.

didn't sleep well last night, if at all, probably got like three hours all together.

my husband attracts people with emotional problems. found out this little guy he's friends with (a couple years younger than me) is probably going to end up with some kind of personality disorder because he refuses to consider his own feelings and future before he considers his friends', his friends' decisions somehow rule his life, so strange to me...

but anyway...got upset because i wanted to help him, i could relate to why he felt the way he did, but he was drunk for one and for another he didn't want to listen anyway. i think he probably thought i was just being patronizing.

i'm just some stupid female. my husband's friends have no respect for me, probably.

[greentires4me]

slept well for the present time I met a new resident today just moving in. I got soaked getting my meds from the pharmacy my umbrella has a mysterious hole in it that I couldn't find. I feel stuck at home waiting for the rain to stop...just feeling stuck and lonely.

so tired.

was out of the house for two hours grocery shopping today and feeding my yarn addiction, haha.

felt great while i was out. almost like my old self. wore a hat and could hide behind the brim and felt so confident. love hats.

then saw my last T's little secretary person - student at the college doing work study, was nice and cute and seemed like someone i'd want to be friends with - and kind of freaked.

hate seeing people i recognize and have seen or spoken to on multiple occasions.

feeling empty now. and sleepy. just want to sleep...

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Went to my women's meeting today; it was fantastic.

feeling better this morning. didn't sleep much last night either and got up at 5am but husband is off tomorrow so maybe i can sleep in some.

thinking about designing a 32" doll and maybe selling the pattern...i could use a little extra income...

[youwillrise]

have a session today @ 315.

supposed to be seeing a friend sometime this weekend, but now im not sure. he hasnt said anything to me about when/if he's coming around. not answering my messages. im feeling like he's not going to.

on the other hand, he's in the army national guard so something with that could be a possibility and there's supposed to be some not so good weather conditions this weekend. i dunno...im just trying to think of possibilities other than "he just doesnt want to see you"

we'll see what happens, i guess? i just wish he would actually communicate with me. he's the one who initiated...so dont leave me hanging, huh?

Went out for breakfast with a really good friend. It's good that I got up and ready for the day early because that means I don't have any excuse to laze around in my pajamas all day and get lonely and bored. I'm going to go out and run some errands, get some things done. It'll be a good day.

kind of happy with myself, was able to ignore outside stimuli and keep calm all day...well, at least until my husband got home a few minutes ago.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Went to a meeting today and felt really agitated.

I did get my Klonopin script at the pharmacy.

thank goodness for Ani, who did not give up on me. Helped me get in the store. I hate stores.

Carol