[BorderlineMess]

Sorry for the long post. I'm really nervous about sharing all this because I haven't been open about my thoughts or feelings to anyone in years.

I've been feeling depressed recently. Started around Christmas and has just gotten progressively worse. I called out of work yesterday because I just couldn't leave the house. I almost did the same thing today. But I forced myself out. I haven't been exercising, which is something I enjoy. I'm starting to think paranoid thoughts, like people are talking about me. I'm avoiding places, like the grocery store and the bank, because I think the people that work there hate me or that I've done something to make them mad. I know, it doesn't make any sense, but it's how I feel.

I've also had some small breaks with reality. Like at one point, I thought I was a serial killer and I had killed prostitutes. Yeah, it doesn't make any sense. I was also a bit drunk and staying up very late. And I used to like to watch TV shows about serial killers and such. Morbid curiosity.

So I don't know if I should call my doctor. Part of me says, yes, because these things are not normal. Part of me says, this will pass. It's only been, like a week, which isn't a long time. Then the other part says, this is just the start of a downward spiral. Then I go back and say, I've just had my schedule knocked around because of the holidays and being off work. Once I get my schedule back in order, I'll be fine. I love schedules. My BPD works much better when I have a daily and weekly schedule. And I go back and forth.

I'm not suicidal nor do I want to self injure. It may be my fear of starting school next week. It could be that I'm not taking my meds regularly because I can't afford them. I just don't know what to do. Should I ride it out? Call my doctor? I feel like I'm bothering him every time I call. Advice?

If you think it could be your schedule being messed up, ride it out a day or two and see if it gets better as your schedule gets back to normal. If you're not in any danger of hurting yourself, losing your job, or hurting anybody else, wait and see what happens. Things don't usually last long....

If you start feeling like anything important could be in jeopardy, don't hesitate and call. You're not bothering anyone; it's their job.

Do the meds really help? If they do, you need to find out how to get them so you can take them regularly. Talk to the doc about that. Most major drug manufacturers have financial assistance programs to help people who don't make enough to make too much to qualify for government programs. Look in to them. Talk to a pharmacist as well..they may have suggestions.

[BorderlineMess]

Thanks, Maranara, for not judging me on my strange thoughts. One of my biggest fears is being made fun of, even if it's on an anonymous forum. I had huge childhood issues with being teased so it's still a huge trigger. So thanks

And thanks for the advice. I think you're right. I'll give it a few days and let myself get back into my routine. And I'm looking into ways to get my meds. Have you or anyone else heard of Needy Meds? I don't know about them but they basically ask for a credit card number to charge your meds to and I don't feel comfortable with that. But since I'm on generics, there isn't a drug program with the drug manufacturers. I called my doc's office before Christmas and all they recommended was Needy Meds but they had never heard of them. I think they just googled patient assistance programs, which is something I already did. I guess not many of his patients need help getting meds. Maybe I'll try the Mental Health center here.

Thanks again!

Hey...a month or so ago I pretty much convinced myself that everyone on this site didn't exist and was just a figment of my imagination. I think we all have them now and then.

[Flooded]

I have paranoid thoughts often too and find they are much worse around the "festive season". I try and ride it out unless I start having SI thoughts then I may contact my psych depending on the urge level.

No judgement from me either. Just understanding x

[BorderlineMess]

Originally Posted by Flooded

I have paranoid thoughts often too and find they are much worse around the "festive season". I try and ride it out unless I start having SI thoughts then I may contact my psych depending on the urge level.

No judgement from me either. Just understanding x

Much appreciated, Flooded. Sometimes I just have these "crazy" ideas and I'm so afraid to tell people because I know they'll just look at me like...there she goes again, being crazy. I wonder if this fear of sharing our thoughts and feelings really helps or hurts us. I wonder if non-bpds, or just non mentally ill people, would understand us more or just fear us more if we were more open. I know, when I was completely open about everything...the cutting, the suicidal thoughts, the self-loathing...they were scared of me. Just being thoughtful here...but I wish we could close that gap between the non and the mentally ill. Maybe we'd get better care if they understood us more. Just a thought...

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I was scared today that the guy at my beauty parlor was mad at me, too.

And when the lady kept excusing herself while she was doing my hair, I was scared she wouldn't be back. I even listened really hard to make sure she wasn't muttering something under her breath or cussing about me. lol

Part of it is my bpd.

It turned out okay.

I have thoughts like that too.

Growing up, too, I was also bullied and teased and even told by 2 ppl I cared about that ppl did not like me, that I was weird, that no one wanted to invite me anywhere...

it was horrible.

And I am now trying to recover from that.

Carol

[BorderlineMess]

Originally Posted by BrokenNBeautiful

And when the lady kept excusing herself while she was doing my hair, I was scared she wouldn't be back. I even listened really hard to make sure she wasn't muttering something under her breath or cussing about me. lol

Carol

This is one of the main reasons I don't do most of the things I want to do. I want to get my hair done, my nails done, go shopping. I just have this huge social phobia that people are talking about me, how fat I am, how ugly I am, what I'm wearing, my hair style, my make up. I never feel ok enough to go out. It's one of the main reasons I stay home. I'm working on getting over it. It's just a very tough thing to ignore when your head is screaming that people are judging you, even when they're not.

[cboxpalace]

I think you should've called them about 3 months ago... hmm.. kidding..

Let's take a look.. You should call them now, and here's why..
1. you feel depressed
2. it's been getting progressively worse
3. avoiding places
4. Job / exercise becoming more difficult
5. paranoid thoughts
6. questioning if you should be calling the doctor.. HUGE ADVICE FOR ANYONE IF YOU'RE QUESTIONING IF YOU SHOULD BE CALLING YOUR DOCTOR THEN IT'S TIME TO BE CALLING YOUR DOCTOR.. ANYONE THAT SAYS OTHERWISE IS FULL OF **** OR STUPID OR BOTH.
7. not taking meds consistently

Also you need to be discussing with your doctor about not being able to afford meds. There are programs such as Bridges to Access that help people with no insurance, in fact, all drug companies I believe offer programs. Many places ie. Walmart have 4.00 generics that might work for you..

Take care of yourself!!

-cbox