[krisakira]

I have a really cool aunt who, over the past couple years, I have really connected with because of Facebook chat. We haven't talked very recently on chat but I still thought really highly of her. Well she posted something on Facebook about how you can only find value in life if you believe in god, and without going into some religious conversation, I posted something saying that without god I still have value on my life and that I value her very much and that I love her. I thought she would be totally ok with it because she supports my situation, living with my boyfriend, leaving christianity, being bisexual, everything I have told her she supports. Well, the next day I could not find the comment I made on her post. So I thought maybe it was Facebook acting up, so I posted the same comment again. The next day it was gone again. She had been deleting my comment. I got mad, but didn't talk to her. I feel so negatively about her. I don't want to feel this way, but its so black-and-white thinking with BPD I guess that I can't simply forgive her and move on. She feels like an enemy now and I don't know what to do. Does anyone understand this? What has worked for you?

[ECHOES]

I guess I would decide if I could forgive her the idea that her opinion and beliefs count and other's don't. I find that is typical of religious people, and is just the way it is. I would feel angry and forgive her both, and try to understand that her posting her beliefs was not an invitation to negate or debate them; she just wanted to post her own thoughts.

[cboxpalace]

I do the same thing your aunt does.. When I post something on MY Facebook, it's MY viewpoint and what I have to say.. I'm making a statement to whoever wants to listen, and I'm not interested in debate, I'm not interested in opposing viewpoints on MY page. If you agree feel free to reply, and if you disagree then don't like my comment and ignore what I wrote.

This recently happened with me and another forum member here.. I'm very democratic and she is very republican.. Our viewpoints are not in sync and I'm about as anti republican as a person can be. Anyways, she'd have to interject her dumbass republican viewpoints, and I'd delete them. I hid her news feed, gave her a warning, it was ignored and I deleted and blocked her. I'm not interested in her republican viewpoints on MY facebook page.

Politics and Religion are two things that are best left alone. I wouldn't take anything your Aunt has done, especially on facebook, to personal. If you disagree with her viewpoint then post it on your own page. It is a debate though you will never win.. She is NOT going to change her viewpoint just like you're NOT going to change yours..

Having said ALL of that.. you should discuss with her how it made you feel when she deleted your post and inquire as to why. The bottom line though is it's her page to express HER and not you.

[krisakira]

That sounds kind of closed minded. I prefer open conversations, and I am not looking for debates or arguments. I am looking for my views to count too. She made the statement public, not just on her own wall. It was as a status that everyone could see, and she accepted many other comments made to the post. I had every right to say what I did, and she had every right to delete it since she has the power to do that. However, it should be seen as this: if she says one thing, I should be able to say another, without it being totally discarded. Whether it is on Facebook or not. I thought she was a cool person. I thought she was perfect, I guess.

[Bill3]

I thought she was a cool person.

This isn't just some random person deleting you on facebook. This is an aunt, one who has been close and who accepted many things about you. It was a shock, and very hurtful, to learn that she out-and-out deleted your thoughts, not once but twice, without even talking to you kindly about the situation. It was her right to do that, but very hurtful nonetheless.

I thought she was perfect, I guess.

I wonder if she could still seem cool, without seeming perfect.

Being negated, literally, hurts. But it is really about her. Not you. Do you feel comfortable asking her why exactly she felt the need to delete your posts? (your thoughts/feelings). It could be one in a million reasons ... instead if just wondering about all million and feeling disappointed and hurt, perhaps she will have the guts to tell you.

[cboxpalace]

Originally Posted by krisakira

That sounds kind of closed minded. I prefer open conversations, and I am not looking for debates or arguments. I am looking for my views to count too. She made the statement public, not just on her own wall. It was as a status that everyone could see, and she accepted many other comments made to the post. I had every right to say what I did, and she had every right to delete it since she has the power to do that. However, it should be seen as this: if she says one thing, I should be able to say another, without it being totally discarded. Whether it is on Facebook or not. I thought she was a cool person. I thought she was perfect, I guess.

You do have the right to state your views... on YOUR wall!!
You also have the right to hide her news feed.

Her deleting your comment says NOTHING bad about her or you...

If you write a comment on your wall stating that you're proud of being bisexual... Do you really want comments from people who disagree with that life choice writing something like... You're going to hell or would you prefer for them just to ignore your comment. You may have no problem with it, others would and may choose to delete a comment like that. Everyone is different..

It's just like me stating my views about politics.. I'm open to people with like minded views posting their comments. I have 0 interest in reading opposing viewpoints from Republicans, and delete them... It says nothing bad about them... All it means is I'm not interested in their viewpoints when it comes to that topic. They have a FB page and they're free to post whatever they like about their views.

- on the flip side -

Rather than state your belief/viewpoint it may have been better to phrase it in the form of a question such as... Is it not possible for someone who doesn't believe in God to value life? It forces her to then elaborate on her viewpoint in a non threatening way.

First of all ... ...

You know, that black and white thinking thing runs both ways ... For instance her deleting your comment is not only disrespectful, it's kinda sayin' that if you don't think, feel and believe the way she does then you're not entitled to your opinion ...

I don't know if you are aware that I've been estranged from my immediate family for close to 20 years now ... I had reconnected with one sister and for five years we were working on establishing a healthier relationship. She then reconnected with one of my primary abusers and started denying any and all abuses that ever happened.

I thought it was healthiest for both of us to just accept the fact that we'd come to another fork in the road as it pertained to our childhood experiences and that before we started saying and doing things that would only serve to rewound us that perhaps it was best we went our separate ways.

It's not easy to make these types of choices, but it's most certainly in the best interest of our physical and emotional well-being, as well as our healing and recovery processes.

Time will ease all the hate and anger and hurt you're feeling right now ... Don't deny it its voice ... You don't have to continue a relationship with this aunt right now and as time heals you may eventually be able to reconnect with her. By then you'll have a clearer vision of who is and isn't welcome in your life based on how they're treating you.

For now though, just focus on you and what's best for you, and be extra patient, gentle and kind with yourself, okay?

,
Pfrog

[krisakira]

Originally Posted by cboxpalace

You do have the right to state your views... on YOUR wall!!
You also have the right to hide her news feed.

Her deleting your comment says NOTHING bad about her or you...

If you write a comment on your wall stating that you're proud of being bisexual... Do you really want comments from people who disagree with that life choice writing something like... You're going to hell or would you prefer for them just to ignore your comment. You may have no problem with it, others would and may choose to delete a comment like that. Everyone is different..

It's just like me stating my views about politics.. I'm open to people with like minded views posting their comments. I have 0 interest in reading opposing viewpoints from Republicans, and delete them... It says nothing bad about them... All it means is I'm not interested in their viewpoints when it comes to that topic. They have a FB page and they're free to post whatever they like about their views.

- on the flip side -

Rather than state your belief/viewpoint it may have been better to phrase it in the form of a question such as... Is it not possible for someone who doesn't believe in God to value life? It forces her to then elaborate on her viewpoint in a non threatening way.

I disagree with you about how Facebook works. When you put something public on Facebook you are opening yourself up to comments, either agreeing or disagreeing. If she didn't want comments she would have made it private. I didn't try to argue with her, I simply stated that without god I still have much value in life and in her and that I love her. That is nothing negative at all. Plus, this problem I am having is not about who was right or wrong. I am having trouble figuring out why I believe she's an enemy when I don't want to feel this way. I want to be close to her again and I don't know how to shake the feeling. I am seeking advice on how to forgive for stupid things so I can get past this and have my aunt back. That is why I posted in the BPD section. I am still learning about it and how it affects me, and I'm starting to see it in my life. But thank you for posting and giving your opinion, because I value everyone's opinion and I thank you for giving your time to post on my thread. I may not agree with you entirely, but it did make me think.

[Inedible]

Recently I started reading about Integral Psychology, as described by Ken Wilber. My library has a couple of things by him. It talks about how a person can be well developed and healthy in some aspects of their life, and less so in others. He says there are stages that people tend to go through that apply to every area. It is possible to be really good at some parts of life and abysmal in others. Progress tends to allow increasingly open and more accepting perspectives. Religion or spirituality is one of those areas. It takes a significant level of development to have your own beliefs and allow other people to have different beliefs. To let everyone else be at their own level of development, and still appreciate them for being there at that level. In some areas - like religion or spirituality - you are ahead of your aunt. Could be you are ahead on the internet, too. Ken Wilber didn't specifically describe that aspect of life in his books, but he basically said it applies to everything. He even jokingly added cooking. The point is that it is literally not possible for a person who is at a lower stage in an area to even understand the perspective of someone at a higher stage in that same area. It doesn't matter how willing they are to try, because to understand they have to grow and develop to the same stage. This can take years, and it involves a lot of backsliding along the way.

[cboxpalace]

Originally Posted by krisakira

I disagree with you about how Facebook works. When you put something public on Facebook you are opening yourself up to comments, either agreeing or disagreeing.

This is true... It's also true that everyone will react differently, and may not want opposing viewpoints... Sometimes, it's just nice to get thoughts/beliefs out of ones head and into the world. It can be liberating. It can be validating hearing from like minded people rather than ones with opposing viewpoints.

In regards to you disagreeing with how facebook works... There are many who will agree with you, and there are many that will agree with me. Who's right?? Neither side..

I didn't try to argue with her, I simply stated that without god I still have much value in life and in her and that I love her. That is nothing negative at all.

Agree... See above

I am having trouble figuring out why I believe she's an enemy when I don't want to feel this way. I want to be close to her again and I don't know how to shake the feeling.

I think you need to look at rational (fact) vs. emotional thinking..
the fact is she accepts you on many different levels... this situation is one area where it appears there is disagreement.

I am seeking advice on how to forgive for stupid things so I can get past this and have my aunt back.

I think you need to have a conversation.. A good place to start is using dbt and Dear Man as a guideline on how to express how you feel.. It can be found here...http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/ie_handout_8.html. Dear Man is an acronym. If it were me I'd use D, E, and N, in fact that's really all that would be applicable....

DESCRIBE
Describe the situation when necessary - sometimes it isn't stick to the facts and no judgmental statements

EXPRESS
Express feelings/opinions about the situation clearly.
describe how you feel or what you believe about the situation.
don't expect the other person to read your mind or know how you feel give a brief reason for making your request.

NEGOTIATE
Be willing to give to get
Offer and ask for alternate solutions
Reduce your request

My idea of Negotiate here would be you asking her if she can understand your side of the issue. Be prepared you may not get a response which you don't like.. Then the ball would be back in your court... DBT approach would be asking yourself how much you value this relationship?? I assume that you value it a lot.. in that case do opposite actions of what you want to do.

Again,,, look at all the good which are fact related vs. 1 issue of disagreement which is based on opinions.

[Bill3]

I am having trouble figuring out why I believe she's an enemy when I don't want to feel this way. I want to be close to her again and I don't know how to shake the feeling. I am seeking advice on how to forgive for stupid things so I can get past this and have my aunt back.

This a most thoughtful passage.

BPD can create a tendency to alternate between idealizing someone and thinking the worst of them. Do you have a therapist or someone to talk to about these feelings with?

If not, one idea is to go out of your way to both think and act opposite to unwelcome feelings. Here, you might go out of your way to be extra kind and attentive to your aunt.

Here are some relevant links, you could Google for more:

http://www.my-borderline-personality...te-action.html

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/dbt/20...lation-skills/

[venusss]

I sometimes delete comments not because I disagree with them per se, but because they could be offensive to some of the people I have friended (hence start drama on my wall). Your comment could be probably jumped on by some of her christian friends,then you'd reply... and there goes drama.

so it may not even be all that personal.... you stated she accepts you. So this is tiny thing in the grander scheme of things.