[Maranara]

Much of my BPD is due to my mom. I am the youngest of four children. My siblings all left when I was nine. From before I can remember, my mom was often drunk and she attempted suicide when I was very little. When I was eight, my dad took me to Disney World and I begged my mom to go. She refused and told me to go and have a good time. The next day as I as getting ready for school, she came in an tossed me around the room like a rag doll for "abandoning" her.

After my siblings left, I basically became her captive. I never really thought about it in that way until recently, but it's true. She decided I was talking on the phone too much and changed our phone number. I went several years without knowing our number. I wasn't allowed to have friends over and I spent all of my time with her. When I tried to reach out for help from my sister once when she and my dad were fighting, I was told "never tell anyone our personal problems" and then she proceeded to totally ignore me for a week....I was the wall. She would look right through me. Once, she locked herself in a closet for two days when my dad was home and my job was to lie to him and tell him she wasn't home. In front of me, she would tell people that I was "the mistake" and "when Maranara grows up and leaves I can finally move and be happy". I was made to feel guilty about just about everything. My mom never told me she loved me and rarely showed any signs of affection. In addition, I was never told the facts of life or given "the talk". My mom handed me a book when I was 10 or 11 and expected me to figure it out on my own and it was obvious that questions were not allowed, and it was "personal" so I couldn't talk to anyone else.... Also, when I was about 10, I had a year of severe bullying at school. No one knew. I couldn't tell my mom or anyone else...it was made clear that I couldn't talk about anything personal. I only started talking about it a few years ago, and I'm over 40. My mom also has a hatred of men and taught me that pretty much any physical affection was evil and wrong, and that, with a church upbringing, messed me up later.

When I was in college, I received a letter, sometimes two from her every day telling me how horrible I was and how I'd abandoned her. When I was in my early twenties I confronted her. I felt I was left out of a lot of family events. She told me it was my imagination. I learned otherwise years later when my family went on a holiday cruise without me and when my dad died, she and my siblings sat around talking about birthdays and special events that I never knew about. When my dad died, my mom couldn't find any old family pics. I'd been given a few and I took them out and my brother and I had them enlarged and framed as a special surprise for my dad's "memory table". She questioned me about the pics and decided that I'd "stolen all her memories". She sent me a letter, that I received on my dad's birthday, telling me I was no longer her daughter....that was four years ago.

Since then, I've moved away from home. I'd stayed close for years trying to be close. I'd finally given up. This past Thanksgiving, my mom texted my sister calling me all kinds of names and denouncing me once again. She doesn't know where I am or my number. My sister telling me this gave me horrendous flashbacks. I decided that I needed to tell my mom how I felt. I wrote her a letter. I wasn't any meaner than I had to be, but for once I stood up for myself and made my feelings known.

Now, yesterday, she texted my sister again demanding for my address and phone number. She made the excuse that she wanted to give me some things but I know she wants to resume her beratting of me...but I want hope. All I've ever really wanted was a mom who cared. I keep thinking that maybe one day she'll become that and I'm so tempted to give her the info she wants, but I know I'd also be a fool and open myself to all kinds of new torment. I need the resolve to stop this pain and not purposely subject myself to it again...

[beloiseau]

I'm so sorry that you've gone through this and that you're going through this. It sounds so hard. I can relate in a small way, as my mother was completely against sharing personal information with anyone but her/close family. It made me feel completely alone. You are not alone now, and you are so strong!

[nycgal448]

I can relate. My mom is a miserable, bitter sad, woman. i live w her
and my kid. She is an abusive woman. U did the right thing u could do
in order to survive... to save U . I bet u felt like u were in prison, and she
wuz the warden. I soooo can relate. I know that u, want ur mother's
approval, but maybe u need to start accepting the fact that, she is
who she is, and maybe she is not capable of giving u what ur looking
for, bc she has her own issues to resolve w herself. idk. but man do I
feel the same. My heart goes out too u. keep the faith; don't ever
let anyone live ur life, but U!!!.

[technigal]

Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and this situation. I lived through something very similar but in my case it was my dad. I was never good enough and could never live up to my father's expectations. He apologized a couple of days before he died for not being the parent I needed, but he put the blame on me, I was too demanding.

Parents can really **** up their kids. I try so hard to be a better parent then I had.

[Trippin2.0]

I'm really sorry you had to grow up like that, and it saddens me that you still cannot fully escape her wrath

Don't give her your info, that's akin to loading the gun for her and proceeding to stand very still right infront of her.

Its terrible that she couldn't be who and what you needed, but to protect yourself its best you make peace with the fact that she can't or won't be a good mother to you. If you don't, I fear that many more years or torment, hurt and disappointment lie ahead for you.

[hawaii04]

Maranara, I know this is painful for you. My Mom, although she didn't drink or go to quite the extremes you mention, lead me down this road of hell to BPD. I never blamed her and I still try not to although I've acknowledged the root of it all. When I was 4, I sucked my thumb ...she got pissed and threw a pacifier at me. My home environment was like a prison. I was allowed no friends or to do much of anything. As a family we stagnated and deteriorated within the dysfunctioinally evil, judgmental realms underneath the rooftop. I didn't learn how to socialize, in fact I didn't learn anything positive as the negative was so much greater. I didn't really hear I love you (if I did, it was in words not in display) or receive compliments. When I was 18, my first REAL b/f suddenly passed in a drowning. My mom hated him when he was alive and he was an a...... when he died. No sympathy shown during my grieving or remorse for her vile words of him. With my first pregnancy, she didn't come around (though my Dad and brother did). She hated me and was bitter. She finally came around after my delivery. I always forgave her and wonder if I had shut her out at that time if she would've understood what she was doing to me. Years ago, I had the 'chance' (long story) to move 1500 miles away. She hated me for that too. Because I had two children it wasn't an easy decision in one way. In another it felt like a freedom from my mom that I never wanted to need, though I didn't look at it as so then. She disliked my Dad, chaos was always just a shout away with deep wounding words. Four years ago my Dad had Alzheimers, she kept me from visiting him while he lay ill. Even after his death, she berates him. I have always tried to look for the good, she is my mom. Not always easy. Today we are more estranged than ever, she is 80 years old and I STILL feel guilty. I wanted to hang in there and fix her, help her, help us. I finally realized a few years back that isn't possible. In her mind she does no wrong, thus denial. I feel as though I should be there taking care of her (that's the caring me). But I couldn't as she has shut me out with her vicious ways. The door of our relationship remains only slightly ajar with phone conversation on a monthly basis. My stomach near turns when we talk, I get anxious and angry sometimes. She belittles everyone ~ family, her friends (whom she never holds on to) and pretty much anyone in between. It is so hard to let go. I listen to her for HER that is all I can and am willing to give and even that's too much at times. Sad to say it feels more like out of obligation. I have always known in my gut that she was ill somehow; perhaps that's why the forgiveness, the excusing of such behaviors. But I eventually realized that it has had such a large impact on my well being, on every aspect of my life. I cannot turn back the hands of time, but I can surely try like heck to guide them to move forward in a more enlightning, healthier way. We don't always get what we want or need; we can only learn to do better for ourselves with what we have. I wish you well in what it is you choose to do. Remember, you need to come first in order for other things to flow more smoothly.

[Maranara]

Originally Posted by hawaii04

Maranara, I know this is painful for you. My Mom, although she didn't drink or go to quite the extremes you mention, lead me down this road of hell to BPD. I never blamed her and I still try not to although I've acknowledged the root of it all. When I was 4, I sucked my thumb ...she got pissed and threw a pacifier at me. My home environment was like a prison. I was allowed no friends or to do much of anything. As a family we stagnated and deteriorated within the dysfunctioinally evil, judgmental realms underneath the rooftop. I didn't learn how to socialize, in fact I didn't learn anything positive as the negative was so much greater. I didn't really hear I love you (if I did, it was in words not in display) or receive compliments. When I was 18, my first REAL b/f suddenly passed in a drowning. My mom hated him when he was alive and he was an a...... when he died. No sympathy shown during my grieving or remorse for her vile words of him. With my first pregnancy, she didn't come around (though my Dad and brother did). She hated me and was bitter. She finally came around after my delivery. I always forgave her and wonder if I had shut her out at that time if she would've understood what she was doing to me. Years ago, I had the 'chance' (long story) to move 1500 miles away. She hated me for that too. Because I had two children it wasn't an easy decision in one way. In another it felt like a freedom from my mom that I never wanted to need, though I didn't look at it as so then. She disliked my Dad, chaos was always just a shout away with deep wounding words. Four years ago my Dad had Alzheimers, she kept me from visiting him while he lay ill. Even after his death, she berates him. I have always tried to look for the good, she is my mom. Not always easy. Today we are more estranged than ever, she is 80 years old and I STILL feel guilty. I wanted to hang in there and fix her, help her, help us. I finally realized a few years back that isn't possible. In her mind she does no wrong, thus denial. I feel as though I should be there taking care of her (that's the caring me). But I couldn't as she has shut me out with her vicious ways. The door of our relationship remains only slightly ajar with phone conversation on a monthly basis. My stomach near turns when we talk, I get anxious and angry sometimes. She belittles everyone ~ family, her friends (whom she never holds on to) and pretty much anyone in between. It is so hard to let go. I listen to her for HER that is all I can and am willing to give and even that's too much at times. Sad to say it feels more like out of obligation. I have always known in my gut that she was ill somehow; perhaps that's why the forgiveness, the excusing of such behaviors. But I eventually realized that it has had such a large impact on my well being, on every aspect of my life. I cannot turn back the hands of time, but I can surely try like heck to guide them to move forward in a more enlightning, healthier way. We don't always get what we want or need; we can only learn to do better for ourselves with what we have. I wish you well in what it is you choose to do. Remember, you need to come first in order for other things to flow more smoothly.

Yes, your mom and mine seem as though they could be sisters (mine is 81). My forgiveness comes and goes. Sometimes I feel as though I'm close and then something will happen to make it really hard. It is best for me to keep my distance, and I know I can't change her, but it's just very hard sometimes.

[Maranara]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

I'm really sorry you had to grow up like that, and it saddens me that you still cannot fully escape her wrath

Don't give her your info, that's akin to loading the gun for her and proceeding to stand very still right infront of her.

Its terrible that she couldn't be who and what you needed, but to protect yourself its best you make peace with the fact that she can't or won't be a good mother to you. If you don't, I fear that many more years or torment, hurt and disappointment lie ahead for you.

I know you are right; it is just hard. My hope springs eternal in an impossible situation. It is time I face that and go on with my life.

[henrydavidtherobot]

A lot of my BPD is due to my mom. I grew up in a very unstable household. I have huge issues with my mom to this day for things she's done to me. The suicides were the hardest.she blamed me for one of them. Anyway, I guess I don't have advice, but I know how hard it is. Message me anytime?