I come up with nothing some days because I'm crazy empty!

I blow my mind minutes later with everything because I'm crazy overwhelmed...

for all I know it's next week...or yesterday I don't know?

I'm kinda too old for this crap.

and I don't believe I'm a victim!...my twisted brain cannot comprehend anyone being an asshole...even though they often are...

I kinda think thats the hardest thing for me...I blame all the crap on me!

so I won't let anyone get near...

thats pretty hard

I can comprehend someone being an a**hole but I usually take in back in a wave of guilt not long afterward....or am dead wrong and it was actually the other guy.....

[shlump]

I'll send you a calendar, not that knowing what day it is is the only way to count the days...

*** holes, yep everyone has one and they serve their own selfish purpose

But they only in temporary use....he he

[chronicallyconfused]

I cant decide

yeah I think you both got the idea...

feelin' guilty for others mistakes.

might sound kinda' ordinary

but if you are wearin' your own crap and then someone elses?

...like they are blameless!

then there is no option but to rip their head off emotionally and mentally...

and then feel guilty about that too...

it's all blame!

what does self harm say?...it's self sacrifice!

we are the only ones who do it!

I'm not sayin' keep doin' it!

but it's a fact that borderline people cannot lie..

maybe thats the hardest thing?

and people need to be able to lie...!

well screw that!

I would rather die than lie...it's a waste of time it's like bein' a ghost!

and I know this because I have done it...what a waste of time

[Ultra Darkness]

I hate to lie, but I'm not always believed when I tell the truth either. I generally don't say anything when I want to hide something.

[IowaFarmGal]

This does sound familiar. If I ever get angry it will twist around to self hate even if it is justified.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

that "voice" in my head that never lets up, ever.

the way bpd makes me have such an aversion to what's right and good. The distrust. The aloneness. Self-injury, verbal and physical.

Carol

I don't lie, but I often don't talk, I withhold info, because I won't be believed anyway.

[Ultra Darkness]

Originally Posted by Maranara

I don't lie, but I often don't talk, I withhold info, because I won't be believed anyway.

That's me exactly.

I really sat here and consumed your feelings cos they materialise in all your words...and I must be in a miracle state of mind to cope with all the pressure....

cos thats what happens ...

and I can shut down in an instant even less than that!

feelings hurt even the good ones hurt even more than the bad ones...

and it puts my head in my hands ....just so quick it happenend
and it's back out again I cannot handle it!

there is no easy answer it's not even a question like it could be like a drifter madman maybe like a drifter madwoman maybe maybe we could all go completely crazy like we all have again and before all over like nobody saw it the first time blind idiots!

I wasn't even looking and even if I watched what would I see??

idiots!!

you and me can drift and watch them watch us...

and pretend even we don't even know whats goin' on!

but we do...!

maybe thats the hardest thing?

[XAndromedaX]

The loneliness that is self imposed. Everyone WANTS to like me but I never let ANYONE very close. I fear for their safety because I am SO good at emotionally destroying anyone who seems to be challenging me.
And the guilt. The self fulfilling propechy of thinking everything is my fault because I lash out and therefore lashing out as a result of my utter helplessness.

The hardest thing for me personally is getting others to understand the disorder.
I once told my sister and she was really nasty to me, She thinks I am mental and really doesn't understand me at all.

[XAndromedaX]

My sister has BPD. And is only slightly different from me. We used to fight like crazy. Now it's some other subverted form of manipulation.. like I'm stealing her Dysfunctional Crown... >< ..I get it I just hate it.

Originally Posted by XAndromedaX

The loneliness that is self imposed. Everyone WANTS to like me but I never let ANYONE very close. I fear for their safety because I am SO good at emotionally destroying anyone who seems to be challenging me.
And the guilt. The self fulfilling propechy of thinking everything is my fault because I lash out and therefore lashing out as a result of my utter helplessness.

I agree with this wholeheartedly. I am dealing with this right now. It's like there are two levels of reality with me: actual reality--what is really happening, and my reality--my version of what is really happening. And I can sort of see them both, but the only thing that I can actually believe is my reality. If that makes any sense.

[XAndromedaX]

Yeap. I feel like my reality is split even more....I have reality. Then I have how I interpret reality when I'm hurt or feel impending hurt [ sooo any conforntational situation or situastion that I imagine may become conforntational] which is either an inflated sense of self love where I launch into amazingly wicked self centered speeches to make whoever feel like nothing OR an inflated sense of self loathing where I apologize my face off and try and do nice things obsessively for whoever upset me, real or imagined.