I hesitate to ask teh question, "is it really bad that I dont' feel anything?" related to my mother-in-law's (ex soon) possible passing? I mean I feel so out of it and not connected to the idea.

I feel unreal, like it's not really happening or something. I haven't seen her in years now. We haven't spoken or been around each other in any way for a long time.

Part of me thinks that 1. I've never had a single death happen close to me in my entire life and I'm 45 years old now. Of course that could be part of it because heck I don't know first hand what it's like to lose someone. I don't know how much that plays into it but it's something I guess. 2. I have not seen her sick. I am not there. I have a way of not being able to relate to people if they are not in my face often. Events too. If it's not experienced first hand it is rather difficult for me to really relate to it of feel like it's a real thing. Idk if that's the aspie in me or bpd. It doesn't matter, it is how I am.

Were we close? Crap I don't even know! Heck I'm so confused about attachment/relationships, love etc I don't know anymore. I can't tell if I just get obsessed with those people I get attached to or if I really care about them? God I wish this weren't so confusing.

So am I terrible? Part of me thinks so. The other part is thinking "you're just this way, it doesn't matter, you can't make yourself anything but what/who you are." But what I am, who I am sucks sometimes you know?

[cboxpalace]

1.

Whether or not people with BPD have empathy is a controversial issue, and you can find studies (for example here and here) that say that, "A dysfunctional pattern of empathic capacity may account for behavioral difficulties in BPD," and "The findings thus support a conceptualization of BPD as involving deficits in both inferring others' mental states [being able to put themselves in another's person's shoes] and being emotionally attuned to another person."

2. You haven't seen her in years.

I'm not sure why you think what you're experiencing is so terrible. I don't! I do believe that most of us to varying degrees lack empathy. I recently had a friend commit suicide back in July. It's too bad, I realize he's gone, seems weird that he's not here, but I don't feel much else. I don't really see this as a bad thing. I'd rather have a lack of empathy over a lack of remorse.

If you haven't seen her in years and you don't know whether you were ever close, I wouldn't feel guilty, and I think we all go through the "guilty for feeling guilty' but if you think about it, isn't that silly, not that we can always control it.

I do think some of it is a visual thing. My daughter told me she was going to donate plasma. She's strapped for money and is trying to do what she can to bring in a little extra, and it bothered me a little but I was able to shake it off. She sent me a picture of herself at the donation center, however, with the needle in her arm and that picture really got to me. You may feel different if you actually see your mother-in-law.

Also, don't forget that we are influenced by others. If you were still with your wife, her feelings would probably transfer to you at least some. And there's your kids. If they start feeling bad about Grandma passing, you'll probably start feeling it too. My mom is in her 80's and if she passed now I wouldn't feel very much. I haven't seen her in a year and after everything that's happened, my feelings would be really muted if nothing else. But if I see her or if my siblings get hold of me, the situation will be completely different. I will feel more than I am now and they'll make sure I feel guilty for staying away among other things. It's something I'm dreading will happen. It's absolutely hateful that we're so influenced by others at times, but at least we're aware of it. Hopefully we can use that knowledge to combat it a little.

Originally Posted by Maranara

If you haven't seen her in years and you don't know whether you were ever close, I wouldn't feel guilty, and I think we all go through the "guilty for feeling guilty' but if you think about it, isn't that silly, not that we can always control it.

I do think some of it is a visual thing. My daughter told me she was going to donate plasma. She's strapped for money and is trying to do what she can to bring in a little extra, and it bothered me a little but I was able to shake it off. She sent me a picture of herself at the donation center, however, with the needle in her arm and that picture really got to me. You may feel different if you actually see your mother-in-law.

Also, don't forget that we are influenced by others. If you were still with your wife, her feelings would probably transfer to you at least some. And there's your kids. If they start feeling bad about Grandma passing, you'll probably start feeling it too. My mom is in her 80's and if she passed now I wouldn't feel very much. I haven't seen her in a year and after everything that's happened, my feelings would be really muted if nothing else. But if I see her or if my siblings get hold on me, the situation will be completely different. I will feel more than I am now and they'll make sure I feel guilty for staying away among other things. It's something I'm dreading will happen. It's absolutely hateful that we're so influenced by others at times, but at least we're aware of it. Hopefully we can use that knowledge to combat it a little.

Thank you, you're right, I think.

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Thank you, you're right, I think.

Who knows? Doesn't matter. Guess I'm in to a little of the self-bashing at the moment, but I'm glad I was able to help.

Originally Posted by Maranara

Who knows? Doesn't matter. Guess I'm in to a little of the self-bashing at the moment, but I'm glad I was able to help.

::: gives her boxing gloves to prevent any damage during the self-bashing :::

[Atypical_Disaster]

It's not inherently "terrible" or "bad" to not feel empathy. It just is. So you don't feel anything about this. Does it matter? Not really. I don't think it's reason to be confused or to hate yourself over.

Try to give yourself a break, it's okay.

[Big Mama]

S4 I know this might sound cold. I don't feel anything when some one passes. I sat w/ my 97 year old grandma for a year so she could stay at home rather then a facility. When she passed I went threw all the motions not emotions. Vewing, funeral, meals, family stuff. As far as feeling nothing. She is sorely missed by me.

It bothers me when someone passes that I feel nothing. Aunts, uncles, friends, pets, nothing from me. It saddens me more that I have no feelings at that time then the actual event should sadden me.

I have talked to the T about this and I have issues w/ letting emotions out anyway. Only recently have I discovered it is ok to feel but after 38 years I don't have much luck. I'd just rather not.

So does that make you cold or unsympathetic. NO it doesn't. Detachment is not so bad I guess, in fact it works quite well for me. Just ask my H, on secound hand don't.

S4,

My brother died a couple years ago. Upon being told, I said, thanks for calling, and went into the pharmacy to pick up some things. I still haven't cried, I don't feel a thing when i think of it, and I didn't even go to his funeral.

I don't know why,

-Flee

[avlady]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I hesitate to ask teh question, "is it really bad that I dont' feel anything?" related to my mother-in-law's (ex soon) possible passing? I mean I feel so out of it and not connected to the idea.

I feel unreal, like it's not really happening or something. I haven't seen her in years now. We haven't spoken or been around each other in any way for a long time.

Part of me thinks that 1. I've never had a single death happen close to me in my entire life and I'm 45 years old now. Of course that could be part of it because heck I don't know first hand what it's like to lose someone. I don't know how much that plays into it but it's something I guess. 2. I have not seen her sick. I am not there. I have a way of not being able to relate to people if they are not in my face often. Events too. If it's not experienced first hand it is rather difficult for me to really relate to it of feel like it's a real thing. Idk if that's the aspie in me or bpd. It doesn't matter, it is how I am.

Were we close? Crap I don't even know! Heck I'm so confused about attachment/relationships, love etc I don't know anymore. I can't tell if I just get obsessed with those people I get attached to or if I really care about them? God I wish this weren't so confusing.

So am I terrible? Part of me thinks so. The other part is thinking "you're just this way, it doesn't matter, you can't make yourself anything but what/who you are." But what I am, who I am sucks sometimes you know?

I don't see why you should feel guilty, maybe sad but not guilt when it's our time , it's our time(i still don't understand it)but maybe if you look at it that way it will be undrstood when it happens to you or whoever passes on.i'm still myself trying to deal with death every day it scares me so much, my husband just says "as long as it's not me" to shed some humor on it.not in a selfish way either.I just stay away from funerals now there's just too many in mylife i can't face itt anymore, and i don't feel guilty, just a wee bit .

[avlady]

My mother nd i have spoken about deth she's 75 and i told her i wanted the house they boght, all in joking and she said she doesn't want anyone to cry at her funeral twittling their thumbs.Bagpipes and a good Irish singer.