[TheRealFDeal]

(TRIGGER)

How's that for a BPD thread title?

It's been 3 weeks since my T terminated me. Thursday nite I spent over 4 hours writing him a 5-page letter. There were some still unresolved issues and I needed to let him know how my life has spiraled down in in the last two months since he called the police on me. It felt very cathartic. It was not an angry diatribe. I owned up to the BPD traits wherever I thought they were showing. I dropped it off yesterday afternoon, and left him a voicemail that I had and I know he was there so I know he got it. And I know he works a half day on Saturday. I really tried not to have any expectations, really I did, but I was still disappointed he didn't call.

And then I was supposed to get up this morning and go to a volunteer orientation at the SPCA. Something I really need to do for myself, and I couldn't get out of bed. Just couldn't do it, and now I'm totally beating myself up over it. There'll be another one, but I don't know when.

I got out of bed at 3:15pm. No reason, no motivation whatsoever to get out of bed. I cut myself this week, I tried to get in contact with my xT from years ago and was shunned by her. It's been a ****** two months with no breaks. I was planning on this week being my last and then I was finally successful at getting some T's to meet with me. I have 3 appts next week. So I give myself another week to live, and if none of them work out, well, I've had it, people. I'm done with this cold, cruel, intolerable, hurtful world we live in. I know that sounds like a lot of BPD drama, but who would understand better than you all?

You need to put a trigger icon next to your post.

Did you research for a T with a BPD background or experience? A lot of that can be found on-line now. A lot of Ts don't want to work with BPD...but if you research, you can find one that does. Best of luck to you.

[TheRealFDeal]

Sorry. Can't seem to do that now.

[greyclouds]

Originally Posted by TheRealFDeal

(TRIGGER)

How's that for a BPD thread title?

It's been 3 weeks since my T terminated me. Thursday nite I spent over 4 hours writing him a 5-page letter. There were some still unresolved issues and I needed to let him know how my life has spiraled down in in the last two months since he called the police on me. It felt very cathartic. It was not an angry diatribe. I owned up to the BPD traits wherever I thought they were showing. I dropped it off yesterday afternoon, and left him a voicemail that I had and I know he was there so I know he got it. And I know he works a half day on Saturday. I really tried not to have any expectations, really I did, but I was still disappointed he didn't call.

And then I was supposed to get up this morning and go to a volunteer orientation at the SPCA. Something I really need to do for myself, and I couldn't get out of bed. Just couldn't do it, and now I'm totally beating myself up over it. There'll be another one, but I don't know when.

I got out of bed at 3:15pm. No reason, no motivation whatsoever to get out of bed. I cut myself this week, I tried to get in contact with my xT from years ago and was shunned by her. It's been a ****** two months with no breaks. I was planning on this week being my last and then I was finally successful at getting some T's to meet with me. I have 3 appts next week. So I give myself another week to live, and if none of them work out, well, I've had it, people. I'm done with this cold, cruel, intolerable, hurtful world we live in. I know that sounds like a lot of BPD drama, but who would understand better than you all?

((Hugs)))
I'm sorry you not having a great time of it at the moment.

I'm glad you've decided to give yourself another week to live

Maybe if something good happens in them weeks you may stay for a few more weeks

[TheRealFDeal]

I'm sorry I didn't put a trigger icon on my OP - I should have. Is that why I'm getting such limited response? I sure could use some kind words. It's really hard to ask....

[Bill3]

I'm just really sorry that you have had to go through those experiences with your Ts.

I admire the courage and tenacity it took to post and to ask.

You are tenacious, too, in contacting those new Ts and setting up appointments. I don't know what you have been through, but i am guessing that it has been a real lot, a real lot. I am very sorry for that, and i admire the strength you reveal in carrying on as best you can in spite of it all.

Have you considered calling a crisis hotline when feeling really bad or just when wanting to talk to someone? You don't need an appointment, you know? There are quite a number of them out there; perhaps over time you could find one where you especially mesh with the (trained, nonjudgmental) listeners. They are not a substitute for therapy, but they can be a useful addition and readily available when needed.

[cboxpalace]

I remembered being terminated by a psychologist once, and I thought to myself is that all, and then I remembered I was banned from a psych ward at a hospital. That psychologist though.. well.. what a ****.

Originally Posted by TheRealFDeal

(TRIGGER)

It's been 3 weeks since my T terminated me. Thursday nite I spent over 4 hours writing him a 5-page letter. There were some still unresolved issues and I needed to let him know how my life has spiraled down in in the last two months since he called the police on me. It felt very cathartic. It was not an angry diatribe. I owned up to the BPD traits wherever I thought they were showing. I dropped it off yesterday afternoon, and left him a voicemail that I had and I know he was there so I know he got it. And I know he works a half day on Saturday. I really tried not to have any expectations, really I did, but I was still disappointed he didn't call.

I think knowing your motivations behind your actions is important.
1. did you write it just for you
2. did you write it because you were really hoping deep down he/she would call
3. All the above

In situations like this it's highly probable you'll be setting yourself up for failure if you're expecting something in return. In this case a phone call from your therapist. If you wrote the letter sticking to facts, and avoiding any kind of manipulation then I see no problem with what you did. You have the right to state how you feel. You don't have the right to a response. The specific dbt skill would be coping ahead, and you do it by preparing in advance what you'll do should you not get the desired outcome. It might look something like this..

I'm going to write a letter stating how I feel to my x therapist. I'd like a response, but if I don't get one I'll (insert whatever) <-- that would be your coping ahead skill. It's knowing all this **** in advance and going into it with the right mindset. The more you use it the easier it can be done. It can be done with just about anything where there is a possibility you won't receive the desired outcome.

You did accomplish your main objective though and that is what's most important.

I got out of bed at 3:15pm. No reason, no motivation whatsoever to get out of bed. I cut myself this week, I tried to get in contact with my xT from years ago and was shunned by her. It's been a ****** two months with no breaks. I was planning on this week being my last and then I was finally successful at getting some T's to meet with me. I have 3 appts next week. So I give myself another week to live, and if none of them work out, well, I've had it, people. I'm done with this cold, cruel, intolerable, hurtful world we live in. I know that sounds like a lot of BPD drama, but who would understand better than you all?

And here is an excellent opportunity for you to begin practicing your coping ahead skills.... You're meeting with 3 therapist next week... figure out a way to cope ahead in case those meetings don't go the way you want them to.

[ECHOES]

I agree with Maranara. When you are feeling better, I hope you will look for a therapist who treats personality disorders.

[~EnlightenMe~]

I am so sorry, RFD. It is like the take a part of your soul with them. It is devastating, I know. ((((Hugs))))

[TheRealFDeal]

I think knowing your motivations behind your actions is important.
1. did you write it just for you
2. did you write it because you were really hoping deep down he/she would call
3. All the above

In situations like this it's highly probable you'll be setting yourself up for failure if you're expecting something in return. In this case a phone call from your therapist. If you wrote the letter sticking to facts, and avoiding any kind of manipulation then I see no problem with what you did. You have the right to state how you feel. You don't have the right to a response. The specific dbt skill would be coping ahead, and you do it by preparing in advance what you'll do should you not get the desired outcome.

Cboxpalace, after I wrote the letter and was brushing my teeth before going to bed, it struck me that he could well not respond, and I did have a little talk with myself, trying to lower, if not eliminate, the expectation that he would call. I did not come up with a coping plan; admittedly I've got a severe deficit in coping skills. I decided I had to deliver the letter anyway and figure it out later. What happened later is what I wrote.

I do not know what I will do/how to cope if none of the three therapists I see this week don't turn out well. I just got home from the first one, and while she was very kind and compassionate, she thought, as I do, that I need someone who will return a phone call in between sessions. Not that I will call, because my trust is at zero right now, but I need that option to be available. Anyway, she's not that person, but she kindly made an offer to make a few calls on my behalf to find one that would be available in between and I took her up on it. I'm disappointed, and a little discouraged, but I'm OK for the moment. I feel kind of empty.

I thank the rest of you for your support as well. This is my only source, and I count on you.

[joshuas-mommy]

I have felt like that before. I actually like to linger in the emotional pain and punish myself for fun. I guess I have to feel some emotional turmoil in order to enjoy to intentionally inflicting punishment on myself. In fact, it angers me if someone attempts to lighten my mood to a more happier state because then my self-punishment is not in the slighten bit fun and enjoyable. I hate those people that do not understand that and prevent me from feeling depressed and stuff.

[Bill3]

she thought, as I do, that I need someone who will return a phone call in between sessions.

How well would calling a listening hotline (rather than T) serve this purpose?

[cboxpalace]

It is a skill that does not come easily or naturally and one that has to be practiced.

Originally Posted by TheRealFDeal

[/I]Cboxpalace, after I wrote the letter and was brushing my teeth before going to bed, it struck me that he could well not respond, and I did have a little talk with myself, trying to lower, if not eliminate, the expectation that he would call. I did not come up with a coping plan; admittedly I've got a severe deficit in coping skills.

You have part of the equation.. AWARENESS.. That is the hardest part to develop or spot. It's at this point, you need to start thinking about coping strategies. .Take a look at http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/accepts.html For ideas...

I decided I had to deliver the letter anyway and figure it out later.

You have this right...

I do not know what I will do/how to cope if none of the three therapists I see this week don't turn out well. I just got home from the first one, and while she was very kind and compassionate, she thought, as I do, that I need someone who will return a phone call in between sessions. Not that I will call, because my trust is at zero right now, but I need that option to be available. Anyway, she's not that person, but she kindly made an offer to make a few calls on my behalf to find one that would be available in between and I took her up on it. I'm disappointed, and a little discouraged, but I'm OK for the moment. I feel kind of empty.

See above link..

It takes practice to achieve this. The objective is to have a plan in place so you'll be able to tolerate the moment and prevent a crisis..

[TheRealFDeal]

Bill2, I have called a hotline a few times and had mostly unsatisfying results. I found it a bit frustrating because the person on the other end is either trying to provide advice when I just want listening or they try that active listening/reflecting back sort of crap that I can see right through. And I don't find it pleasurable to relate the details of my situation over and over to a different person each time. I actually called a suicide hotline last night which I feel mixed about. A little humiliated, because it feels like such a pathetic thing to do, which I shouldn't say because they certainly serve a need. I didn't like being asked about my suicidal ideations, what I've done and what I think about doing, but he did spend some time distracting me by asking questions about myself, what I do, etc. and that part was OK. It's not the same as talking to your T who already knows your story. I want my T to just take 5 or 10 minutes helping me to grab on to something when it feels like I'm in freefall. It's vastly different.

And thanks, cboxpalace, I'll have to take a look at the link. I'm just not in much of a self-help mode right now.

[Bill3]

Thanks for your response. No wonder you don't find hotlines to be what you need.

The DBT website mentioned above is good but is a lot for me to take in at once. Just to boil it down a bit, the idea is to find ways to distract in order to tolerate the distress. Some may work for you. They include:

*

--do something else (have a few ideas chosen in advance)

--help out with something or someone

--think about others less fortunate

--try to create different/opposite emotions (e.g. watch movies)

--let or push the current situation out of your mind

--distracting thoughts such as counting, puzzles

--distracting or soothing sensations, in all five senses if possible

*

They give a lot of details about these on that webpage.

Maybe consider the alternate rebellion page as well?:

http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/alte...rebellion.html