[BorderlineMess]

When I was in my teens and early 20s, I hid all my emotions from everyone. I confided in no one and allowed all of my emotions to boil over into terrible actions. Then, in my mid to late 20s, I opened up. I told lots of people about my diagnosis, my feelings, my past, my scars. I wanted it to be in their face because then they couldn't ignore me. And maybe, by telling my story, I would allow those suffering in silence some room to share.

Then, right about 2 years ago, I realized that this strategy was backfiring and pushing people away. I started to play down my illnesses, my stress, my past. I never talked about things that would rock the boat or shock people. Occasionally, I would talk about dealing with depression, being on an anti-depressant, nothing more. And I have cocooned myself in a prison of my own loneliness.

I recently shared some things about my past to someone new in my life. And I think I overwhelmed them. Honestly, this has been the reaction from every person I've told, except one. Maybe I don't know when to open up. Maybe I should never tell another soul about how I truly feeling. But it hurts. It hurts so much. I really just want to be accept for who I am, as is.

And I even worry about opening up here. The fear of rejection is so great.

I hope this makes sense. I just need to get it out and off my chest.

[Permanent Pajamas]

Oh boy, do I hear you! Put on a happy, phony face to make everyone but yourself comfortable. The world says, "F you. Society is more important."

Been there, I have. You are definitely not alone.

[greentires4me]

don't let society make your rules make your own reinvent yourself and be true to you in your heart. Of course it sounds so easy right...its harder then most look into it..be true to your inner self and being able to stand on your own two feet.

I know what its like to be fake to the outer world but I started to be true to myself and make my own rules feel better at least.

This makes total sense. I was completely fake in my early twenties, though I think it was just crisis of identity and trying to fit in with whomever I was with at the time, which happened to be the fundamentalist Christian group. And they didn't take my mental illness too well when I finally started to open up about being depressed. They thought I needed to have more faith and be prayed for and that I wasn't doing enough spiritually. In my mid twenties I was opening up to everyone and scaring people away. I figured hey, this is me, take it or leave it. From my late twenties until now, I feel like I've been hiding behind a wall. I don't know what parts of me to share. I don't feel like I have anything left to share. I started isolating several years ago and it's gotten to the point where it's hard work to even get myself to go out with people I'm not deeply connected with (which, now, is down to one person). So I totally understand. It's difficult.

[optimize990h]

Originally Posted by BorderlineMess

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I recently shared some things about my past to someone new in my life. And I think I overwhelmed them. Honestly, this has been the reaction from every person I've told, except one. Maybe I don't know when to open up. Maybe I should never tell another soul about how I truly feeling. But it hurts. It hurts so much. I really just want to be accept for who I am, as is.

And I even worry about opening up here. The fear of rejection is so great.

I hope this makes sense. I just need to get it out and off my chest.

Hi BorderlineMess.

I call it "my public mask" used to interact outside my home. Sometimes I feel how much energy it takes so others on the outside don't get freaked out.

Don't worry about opening up or having a rant. PC members are accepting about others opening up and sharing stuff.

[BorderlineMess]

Thanks for responding, PC peeps. I'm not in a good place mentally right now. So I'll just keep it brief.

As optimize described it, it is a public mask. And I'm tired of wearing it all the time. I understand the need for it, but sometimes I want to let my guard down. And, right now, I have no place to do that. So all this pent-up anger and energy has nowhere to go. It just festers. And all I want is to explain everything to someone else and not to be judged for it. I want to be honest with someone and for them to not be afraid of me, of my honesty. Is that so rare in this world?

[spondiferous]

Sadly it does seem to be pretty rare in this world. I have made it my sole agenda to just be authentic. It's scary. And sometimes it's hard for me to tell where I cross the line. But I am hoping that others will respect themselves enough to protect their own boundaries if I'm oversharing so I don't have to all the work myself.

Of course, this absolutely does not keep me from obsessing about it.

It's hard being borderline sometimes...

this sounds like how i was in high school and on. the only person i've ever really let in is my husband, no one else wanted to listen or be involved. and yeah, when i tried to open up i would get shut down and people would leave.

now i pretend like i'm okay, most of the time. if i'm in a really bad mood, i just don't say anything and i try not to be involved with people. if i'm in a good mood, it's easier to be nice but yeah....me and people does not equal good mood anyway...

so i guess i developed a different me? for business purposes. idk how to explain it. it's the me that i could be if i didn't have these issues.

[Onward2wards]

((((( BorderlineMess )))))

Ahhh for that matter, ((((( Thread )))))

The only thing to lose by not being authentic is oneself.

[k123]

Wow me too!! But not fake with my diagnosis because that only came last year. But ever since I was in high school I have re-invented the person I am to fit in with people. It's wiered I never let the real me show until 1.5 years ago. Do most borderlines do this? I made myself the "popular" tough girl that was so cool and now I'm back to that quiet, nervous not tough girl at high school.

[Ultra Darkness]

I am fake. I pretend to happy when I'm not, and say nothing's wrong when I'm asked. I rarely mention my hallucinations.

Could this social mask be part of the identity disturbance? An alternate identity developed so we can appear socially acceptable, rather than bpd, perhaps?