Have I mentioned how much I hate it? If I initiate contact first with someone then I feel like they need to initiate it next, and when they don't I get depressed and try to will myself not to talk to them until they talk to me first. Obviously I suck at doing this, though. And I don't wait very long.

Degrading myself because someone hasn't texted me back yet, and it's been ten minutes. Thinking she hates me because I talk to her too much.

[Meisjes]

has happened to me too. for me it was a way to gauge whether they really wanted to be friends with me. If I could figure that out, I wouldn't get hurt as badly if I could control the relationship this way. I'd be able to predict the end of the relationship and withdraw before it happened or become very dramatic and try not to let it end. I even willed them to call within an hour of starting to think of them calling. it was sick - I had it bad. Eventually though I realized, it just doesn't matter who initiates first or next or last. We can have relationships that are spontaneous and not make life miserable for ourselves and those around us.

Originally Posted by Meisjes

has happened to me too. for me it was a way to gauge whether they really wanted to be friends with me. If I could figure that out, I wouldn't get hurt as badly if I could control the relationship this way. I'd be able to predict the end of the relationship and withdraw before it happened or become very dramatic and try not to let it end. I even willed them to call within an hour of starting to think of them calling. it was sick - I had it bad. Eventually though I realized, it just doesn't matter who initiates first or next or last. We can have relationships that are spontaneous and not make life miserable for ourselves and those around us.

I understand; also thank you for your reply. The problem for me right now is that I'm already so attached that even if I sense she's losing interest, I can't withdraw. This is why I don't like making friends. I've only gotten close to a few people, but this is the worst I've ever been. I guess because it's a romantic relationship.

[Meisjes]

Is also important to focus on other things while waiting for someone to respond. People actually don't think about us or sit by their phones 24/7 - they have other things to do too. Not that they don't care about us - but in reality we are the same. We would drive ourselves mad if we thought about 1 other person 24/7.

Originally Posted by Meisjes

Is also important to focus on other things while waiting for someone to respond. People actually don't think about us or sit by their phones 24/7 - they have other things to do too. Not that they don't care about us - but in reality we are the same. We would drive ourselves mad if we thought about 1 other person 24/7.

That's true. I try to distract myself by reading or something else but it usually doesn't work very well for me.

And then there's this debilitating psychological pain in my chest that I can't make go away.

[spondiferous]

Ah...one of my biggest issues, so to speak.
I don't know what to say except that for me it has taken a lot of time and patience. Of course that doesn't stop me from obsessing like crazy. And I find myself thinking they want nothing to do with me even if it's only been a few minutes since contact. Even my partner, whom I've been with for a year and a half and am now engaged to. I think unfortunately that it's something I might always experience to one degree or another. Meisjes is right though, distraction is a big help.

I've now sent her two texts, and she still hasn't responded. Trying to resist the urge to send a third one asking if I'm annoying her. I'll try to distract myself. Let's hope it works.

Please someone talk to me... I'm in a lot of pain.

[Ultra Darkness]

I know how you feel. Whenever I pm someone, I feel like they don't want to deal with me if the reply doesn't come quickly. I also worry about driving people away with too much attention, which has happened before, unfortunately.

[Meisjes]

Originally Posted by Ultra Darkness

I know how you feel. Whenever I pm someone, I feel like they don't want to deal with me if the reply doesn't come quickly. I also worry about driving people away with too much attention, which has happened before, unfortunately.

I thnk this instant world of computers and cell phones has not helped people who struggle with these issues. It make us want what we want now becuase in our minds we think people at the other end are right there by their phone or on their phone and ignoring us. That may or may not be true. But why think the worst of someone we love? My bet is they actually turn their phone/computer off or simply walk away from it so they can concentrate to do other things. No one should feel they need to be ready at our beck and call. this is a good way to loose relationships real fast.

It takes a lot of work changing our thought patterns around this. When we find ourselves in a situation where "I just can't wait,,,,please answer me now, right now," that is a good time to practice changing how we think about it. a good time to start is now because if it continues like mine did for years on end it wears a person pretty thin at both ends.

We can start by telling ourselves the reality of what the situation is:

-they might be doing some work
-they might be talking to someone else at the moment, they wil get to me when they have time
-I don't have to have a response right now. I can enjoy anticipating talking with them when I do get to hear from them.
-they are not required to answer me right now
-I can go for a walk
-I need to remove myself from the situation - turn off my own phone
-I can give others space
-is it really love when I feel so attached to them, or is it my need for attention?
- I need to relax in my relationships

For me it took a lot of time and a lot of relapses before I finally started to not be bothered by people not responding - all of about 20 years. I started working on it while in therapy 30 years ago. I started to realize that my "love" or "caring" about someone was more an infatuation or attention seeking behaviour than anything. Attention for what? validation of myself. validation that I was liked inspite of what my abusers said. a way to pretend I wasn't lonely. a dillusional affirmation that if they called it meant they were ok with my pestering them. it wasn't that I needed their response, I needed to find out why I thought I needed their response right away. What was the underlying problem in my own life that caused me to behave this way. Some people told me simply to never call them again or try to make any contact. they got so tired of it.

there are many many reasons to work this issue through so it doesn't control us. the first being that it simply destroys relationships and ourselves.

[greentires4me]

its only because everything is so instant that we figure that everyone responds to our instant texts...its the age we grow up in too I grew up with computer so I expect a quick result.

Originally Posted by greentires4me

its only because everything is so instant that we figure that everyone responds to our instant texts...its the age we grow up in too I grew up with computer so I expect a quick result.

Well, that's partly the reason. But it's with everything. Even in conversations in real life, if someone doesn't respond or respond the way I want them to, then I get anxious. But having a cell phone and a computer certainly doesn't help. I need to just stop getting on it I guess.

Just got in a fight with my mother. Told her about how ugly and worthless I feel. She said she was sorry I felt that way but there wasn't anything she could do about it, and said I was "complaining" and if I didn't do anything about it nothing would change. That really got to me, a lot, her calling me talking to her about how I feel "complaining." I told her she's the only one I have to "complain" to and she doesn't even let me talk to her hardly without saying stuff like that, and that I always keep stuff in because she reacts that way when I talk about how I feel. Then she said something like "If I'm the cause of your troubles you can just go off to college and never see me again." Now I want to hurt myself. For overreacting. For her not understanding. For me being selfish and probably misunderstanding her. For getting upset. For feeling like I'm a bother to everyone. I nearly threw myself in front of a car. I wanted to in the moment. So badly.

And now I've texted her four times, still no answer. I hate myself. I'm so annoying.

[beautifulfreak]

Not in a good place right now… but hugs and understanding

[huntreddog]

Hello there... I would like to say that I'm not making excuses for the person that your talking about but, he/she may be truly busy? Try while waiting for a response from them to ingage in something else. Do something positive for you. If they get back to you then great, if not then keep working on you! The more you do for yourself the more you build you!!!

Originally Posted by huntreddog

Hello there... I would like to say that I'm not making excuses for the person that your talking about but, he/she may be truly busy? Try while waiting for a response from them to ingage in something else. Do something positive for you. If they get back to you then great, if not then keep working on you! The more you do for yourself the more you build you!!!

I know she might be busy. But she has an account on some website and apparently she's on it right now. If she has her computer with her why doesn't she have her cell phone? It's been five days since we've talked. Anyway, thank you for your reply. I know I'm being irrational but unfortunately that doesn't change anything.

[poptart316]

omg this is so me!! I get so angry when people don't text me back right away.. it doesn't matter how much I tell myself they're probably busy with y'know living their life and not to take it personally.

Ugh, I'm now reminded that this guy I'm seeing hasn't contacted me in days... I know he works a lot and is kinda flaky but ugh wtf? Although to be fair I haven't contacted him either. Whatever I don't care.

i hate texting and internet and things for this very reason. i try my best to not worry about someone's reply. however, i'm still really bothered when i text my husband and he doesn't text back. he's the only person i text, but he finds the time to text his friends while he's at work, and not me? it's depressing. and i tell him about it, and he says he's sorry, and that no he doesn't want me to stop texting, but most of the time i don't even know if he actually got the text so why bother, right? so i just don't text him. but i see him enough at the end of the day. i just want to read an "i love you too" from him once in a while.

Thanks guys. I relate to what you're saying a lot.

So, I've now texted her six times, and called her once. It went straight to voicemail, so her phone's apparently off, and perhaps it has been for days. I'm like 80% sure she's still out of town, but 20% thinks she's ignoring me on purpose. And that 20% is taking over.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I relate to this.