Please help me and give me suggestions. I have developed severe, debilitating paranoia. I cannot get an email or text from just about anyone without experiencing severe panic and waiting for untold amounts of time to read it. I feel as though everything people are going to say is going to tear me down. This is affecting all parts of my life and I'm anxious over this almost all of the time.

The source of the paranoia is real, at least within my own mind. I was severely put down in letters many many times, usually with no warning when I didn't realize I'd done anything wrong. The last letter my mom sent me she accused me of stealing her memories and told me I was no longer her daughter. My friends would pass me notes in high school criticizing me....I remember even then waiting for a long time to read them, and the last real life friend I had, after I wrote him a heart-felt paper letter told me he was going to commit suicide, that I wasn't welcome to his funeral, and that he hoped I was happy with myself.

Part of my problem is I am in the house way, way too much. I almost never leave and I've noticed increased jumpiness when I go out. I was never meant to be a homebody. I am doing my best to solve that. I am looking for a job outside of the house and plan on more ways to get out.

To be honest, some of new-found paranoia started here at PC when I'd write a post and would be put down for it. I'm not blaming anyone. It is all within my head, but I need to conquer it before it conquers me. Any help, suggestions, good web sites, and publications that you think would give me some insight would be much appreciated. Please...

[H3rmit]

Have you ever thought about worst-case scenarios? The worst case scenario of someone criticizing you or whatever is not going to be you having to sleep under a thin blanket in Calcutta for the rest of your life. Etc, etc. I mean the worst thing that happens is what your mind is doing to you. Mindfulness can fix that. Throw out your wrong ideas. I know the feelings are real, but they are from the past. When was the last time someone was as horrible to you as your mother. Few people are like that. And the person who wanted to commit suicide - well, that person was in such a bad way that whatever they said is not about you but about them. Be rational. Let that wrestle your emotions to the ground. Rationalize things in your favour, especially anything with a large uncertainty attached. An email may give you butterflies of apprehension, but that is enough. It needn't be more. It's a feeling in your chest, and it's just an email. They don't come with anthrax. You will be okay. You need to relax. I know it's hard when that isn't the pattern. I know it's hard when you're dealing with stuff. I know being flamed on a board is no fun, but it's really about the other person, not you. It's okay for someone to hate me or block me or whatever. That's life. It's not my problem. It's their loss - or benefit. Whatever.

And if it's trauma and you need counselling, get it. ASAP. I found the book Trauma and Recovery (Judith Lewis Herman) helpful for getting some perspective and seeing that people as different as rape victims and soldiers have similar panic responses from trauma. And there is something in there about healing. Focus on a fantasy of healing, of the past falling away, of good things in the present and future.

I hope you are not letting yourself worry about responses to this post of yours.

Try to step outside of yourself, as if you were dead, say, or sleeping if you like, and look at yourself "objectively" from the outside. Probably you will feel pity or compassion, perhaps new understanding. At the very least you can get outside yourself and get a break from all the stuff inside. I find it helps.

I don't know if any of this will be useful to you, but I tried.

Originally Posted by H3rmit

I don't know if any of this will be useful to you, but I tried.

It helped some at least. My biggest thing is my current home life. I have to get out of the house, I have to find work out of the house, I have to be exposed to people more. I have to not be alone so often even if I don's associate with the people I'm with. These are things that only I can do and I HAVE to do them. It won't solve all the issues but it will help put it in perspective. It is completely out of perspective now. The mindfulness does help, but when I get worked up it goes out the window. It is something I need to also work on.

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by Maranara

It helped some at least. My biggest thing is my current home life. I have to get out of the house, I have to find work out of the house, I have to be exposed to people more. I have to not be alone so often even if I don's associate with the people I'm with. These are things that only I can do and I HAVE to do them. It won't solve all the issues but it will help put it in perspective. It is completely out of perspective now. The mindfulness does help, but when I get worked up it goes out the window. It is something I need to also work on.

That does sound like a good idea. I hope you can just wander out and pay attention to the outer world and chat with people, even before you find a job out there. I find a little bit of that helps me too, given that I do live a bit like a hermit.

[TheRealFDeal]

Mara, I don't have any advice for you. I think what H3rmit had to offer was good, if you can do any of those things. I think you have a good plan, getting outside employment. I'm all about distraction, and there's nothing more distracting than an 8-hour a day job that completely absorbs your attention. I don't know if your at-home jobs provide enough of that. At least with an outside job, you are forced to interact with other people to some extent. I know for me, if I worked from home, I would be a total hermit and probably go for days without going out even just to get the mail. It would be very bad for me and I'm just amazed at how you do it. You sound so rational and wise when you post, even when you are expressing the turmoil you feel. You seem very strong to me and able and willing to do what you need to do to get better. That's big.

Originally Posted by TheRealFDeal

Mara, I don't have any advice for you. I think what H3rmit had to offer was good, if you can do any of those things. I think you have a good plan, getting outside employment. I'm all about distraction, and there's nothing more distracting than an 8-hour a day job that completely absorbs your attention. I don't know if your at-home jobs provide enough of that. At least with an outside job, you are forced to interact with other people to some extent. I know for me, if I worked from home, I would be a total hermit and probably go for days without going out even just to get the mail. It would be very bad for me and I'm just amazed at how you do it. You sound so rational and wise when you post, even when you are expressing the turmoil you feel. You seem very strong to me and able and willing to do what you need to do to get better. That's big.

I score standardized tests for a living, in particular one called the TOEFL (test of English Fluency). It involves me listening to foreign speakers answering the same prompt over and over again. It requires a certain amount of concentration, but I invariably return to PC all the time. What I can do to occupy myself is very limited and I start going stir crazy after a while. The problem is, it pays well and it's going to be difficult to go out and find something that pays as well.

I'm a certified teacher but I make more than I probably would teaching considering I moved to another state. I do have a small eBay business. I could start hitting thrift stores and such a few times a week to build it up.

I also, finally have insurance and am in the middle of researching therapists. The one I'd hoped for is not on the list. I need insight in to this that is not my own. I've gotten really, really bad. My mind can take just about any thought and twist it in to something it was never meant to be. Granted we all have a tendency of doing that, but it's occurring almost constantly and it's starting to take over and jeopardize a lot more than just my sanity and peace of mind.

[LadyShadow]

This is tough, I battle with this too. I am at home days at a time when I am not working. I have no drive to go outside.

The paranoia is severe though. I recently decided to take a trip and its a huge step for me! I got over the paranoia of traveling on the plane but now I think that when I get there someone is going to rob me and I will be stranded there. I don't know where that came from but it will stop me from enjoying myself and having a good time.

The best way to deal with the paranoia is the distractions. I find they help alot. I go out sometimes but by myself, I can't interact with people and don't have any friends. I have online friends and people I talk to but not actual friends who I can go and have a cup of coffee with. So I just go and do my thing in the outside world. I became my own best friend and enjoy doing things on my own.

Just get out there. Take a walk, You may feel better

Hope this helps.

[Luvmydog]

Originally Posted by Maranara

I score standardized tests for a living, in particular one called the TOEFL (test of English Fluency). It involves me listening to foreign speakers answering the same prompt over and over again. It requires a certain amount of concentration, but I invariably return to PC all the time. What I can do to occupy myself is very limited and I start going stir crazy after a while. The problem is, it pays well and it's going to be difficult to go out and find something that pays as well.

I tried to multiquote, but am new to this and must not have been getting it right. I was also going to reference Maranara saying that you need to get out of the house more often. I may have a solution, but am not sure if it will work for you.

Is it possible to simply move the station where you do the grading of the TOEFL to a spot outdoors? I am not necessarily talking about going to the park, although that would be nice, but perhaps taking your ipod, tape recorder, laptop, or whatever you use to hear the speaker saying the words to an outdoor deck or front stoop. Just the change of environment (inside walls to the fresh breeze) may help with the monotony of the task. I'm not sure if this will help with the greater issue of the paranoia, but it may help slightly in the fact that you are outside of your comfort zone, just not too far outside. Little steps can sometimes lead to a greater journey. I hope this suggestion is something that you may find will work for you.