I wrote a reply in another thread related to this and it has gotten me thinking. About falling in love. I've stated in the past that I'm not even sure if I've been "in love" and this is still kind of true in my mind. That's not to say that there have never been mates or lovers I've ever had that I didn't love at any point. That's different.

Many people here, including myself, have stated that they fall in love quickly and easily but truly that's what I've been thinking about. i do not fall in love quickly at all. I become excited and emotionally wrapped up in an Idealistic fantasy of a person. Typically this is a girl I dont' even know particularly well. She probably has certain mannerisms, voice, walk, etc... that are very attractive to me. Around that the unbridled imagination of S4 takes hold and he puts together this wonderful life that includes this fantasy girl in his life. I add "fantasy girl" because without really knowing the real one, there is no way any of the aspects of this girl in my mind can be accurate or realistic. But nevertheless I come to a point where I'm sure I'm falling for this girl.

The only way, in my mind that I can truly fall in love with a girl is when I am able to back off from everything, and realize that attraction =/= love. It's ok to be excited about the girl, to want to be with her and all that, but I need to be able to differentiate the attraction and infatuation from love and just be able to be friends for awhile first. I don't know how to do that. It's almost foreign to me. Logically it all makes sense but since I'm an emotional fckwit, I lose myself to that end of things and forget to just take my time.

Truth is, being infatuated is a high and I'm an addict to the feelings. It's better than any man made drug I can think of and it's hard not to get caught up in it. it's hard not to want a fix every minute, even to the point of overdosing on it. But I know this is something that I need to learn. it's not going to be easy but I really would like to find the girl that is really right for me, and the way I've been doing it just isn't working. :/

Anyway.. thanks for listening. hope this is insightful for someone or encouraging, thought provoking

S4

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I wrote a reply in another thread related to this and it has gotten me thinking. About falling in love. I've stated in the past that I'm not even sure if I've been "in love" and this is still kind of true in my mind. That's not to say that there have never been mates or lovers I've ever had that I didn't love at any point. That's different.

Many people here, including myself, have stated that they fall in love quickly and easily but truly that's what I've been thinking about. i do not fall in love quickly at all. I become excited and emotionally wrapped up in an Idealistic fantasy of a person. Typically this is a girl I dont' even know particularly well. She probably has certain mannerisms, voice, walk, etc... that are very attractive to me. Around that the unbridled imagination of S4 takes hold and he puts together this wonderful life that includes this fantasy girl in his life. I add "fantasy girl" because without really knowing the real one, there is no way any of the aspects of this girl in my mind can be accurate or realistic. But nevertheless I come to a point where I'm sure I'm falling for this girl.

The only way, in my mind that I can truly fall in love with a girl is when I am able to back off from everything, and realize that attraction =/= love. It's ok to be excited about the girl, to want to be with her and all that, but I need to be able to differentiate the attraction and infatuation from love and just be able to be friends for awhile first. I don't know how to do that. It's almost foreign to me. Logically it all makes sense but since I'm an emotional fckwit, I lose myself to that end of things and forget to just take my time.

Truth is, being infatuated is a high and I'm an addict to the feelings. It's better than any man made drug I can think of and it's hard not to get caught up in it. it's hard not to want a fix every minute, even to the point of overdosing on it. But I know this is something that I need to learn. it's not going to be easy but I really would like to find the girl that is really right for me, and the way I've been doing it just isn't working. :/

Anyway.. thanks for listening. hope this is insightful for someone or encouraging, thought provoking

S4

Makes perfect sense to me S4, and thank you.

Jeffro

Originally Posted by jeffro1972

Makes perfect sense to me S4, and thank you.

Jeffro

Thank you and you're welcome It was your post that prompted this one

I've always said that if my experience can help even one person than it was worth it. I guess, maybe it will even help me a little.

Originally Posted by jeffro1972

I've always said that if my experience can help even one person than it was worth it. I guess, maybe it will even help me a little.

I agree. If I can share my experience and it helps anyone, my life is all that much more valuable. Not that it's not valuable as it is... but even more so if someone gains something from it other than me

[GeorgiaGirl413]

I do the same thing S4. A friend of mine refers to it as "being in lust" and he is probably right. But all relationships start off with that infatuation I think. It's true love when the "new wears off" and this is still the person you would rather be with more than anyone else in the world.

[GeorgiaGirl413]

Actually S4, my problem is that I'm in love with you and Jeff both. Just can't make up my mind between the two of you.

Originally Posted by GeorgiaGirl413

Actually S4, my problem is that I'm in love with you and Jeff both. Just can't make up my mind between the two of you.

O.o PICK ME PICK ME! ::::JUMPS UP AND DOWN WITH HAND IN THE AIR:::

You're too sweet, Hun

Originally Posted by GeorgiaGirl413

I do the same thing S4. A friend of mine refers to it as "being in lust" and he is probably right. But all relationships start off with that infatuation I think. It's true love when the "new wears off" and this is still the person you would rather be with more than anyone else in the world.

Exactly. The attraction is necessary and so is the infatuation in order to draw us to the opposite sex (or same if you're into that) but the point is that some of us never move past the infatuation, we either expect that level of excitement to remain or with people like me, you can't make the move in time and you lose your chance.

That's usually my problem as well S4

[UnderTheRose]

'falling in love with who I think he is, rather than who he actually is' was a key issue with my problematic relationships. (all - haha)

An excitement, a high, putting him into a fantasy of my Happily Ever After.

Then that moment where I felt like his True Colours were showing when in actuality, most of the time, those colours were already there, they were just masked in the costume I'd put on him so that he could adequately play the role in my play.

Man I am with I met 17 years ago at a bar. Quiet gentle man completely unlike all the men I had dated for the most part. We became friends.We did not date. Continued knowing each other, he had different girlfriends over the years, I had different boyfriends.
Then ten years ago we started to get a bit more exclusive. Finally started dating in 2004, married in 2007. That was a LOT of time to know each other, lol. Youd think I would have had lots of time to determine True Colours.

Fact of the matter is, when we started dating in 2004, I still had an idealized sense of who he was. I was wrong.

However it came down to asking myself if I could accept him for who he was right at that moment without any need to Change him. The answer was yes. So---- is that love? I don't know. Often it just feels like living with a good friend I have sex with. I'm sure he feels the same. But there is a concern, caring, desire to watch the other do well in their chosen paths... maybe THAT's love? Or.. don't we want that for anyone we care deeply for... best friend, family. Maybe love is NEVER romantic. Maybe all that romantic stuff is just idealization and lust. (sorry, long ramble)

[GeorgiaGirl413]

[quote=jeffro1972;3285550]

[/quote

Wow, Jeff, that's alot of emotion all at once.

Originally Posted by UnderTheRose

'falling in love with who I think he is, rather than who he actually is' was a key issue with my problematic relationships. (all - haha)

An excitement, a high, putting him into a fantasy of my Happily Ever After.

Then that moment where I felt like his True Colours were showing when in actuality, most of the time, those colours were already there, they were just masked in the costume I'd put on him so that he could adequately play the role in my play.

Man I am with I met 17 years ago at a bar. Quiet gentle man completely unlike all the men I had dated for the most part. We became friends.We did not date. Continued knowing each other, he had different girlfriends over the years, I had different boyfriends.
Then ten years ago we started to get a bit more exclusive. Finally started dating in 2004, married in 2007. That was a LOT of time to know each other, lol. Youd think I would have had lots of time to determine True Colours.

Fact of the matter is, when we started dating in 2004, I still had an idealized sense of who he was. I was wrong.

However it came down to asking myself if I could accept him for who he was right at that moment without any need to Change him. The answer was yes. So---- is that love? I don't know. Often it just feels like living with a good friend I have sex with. I'm sure he feels the same. But there is a concern, caring, desire to watch the other do well in their chosen paths... maybe THAT's love? Or.. don't we want that for anyone we care deeply for... best friend, family. Maybe love is NEVER romantic. Maybe all that romantic stuff is just idealization and lust. (sorry, long ramble)

I wouldn't limit the romantic stuff as just lust and idealization. It's the more emotional side of things and has more to do with feelings in the moment than it does with the long term aspects of a relationship but it is nevertheless something that should be not lost in any love relationship. We need that as much as the caring, thoughtfulness and stability of another.

I think love in my mind is too often limited to the emotional side of things, that is how we feel about someone. Thing is, in my mind that's not the reality. Feelings change, sometimes we may be all happy and giddy about the other person in our life but other times they may just bug the shizz out of you for no apparent reason. But love endures both ends. It is the combination of being devoted to this person in spite of their failings at times, and not expecting every moment to be like the first day, the infatuation we felt then. it's about so much more, it's about commitment. it's about saying She's the one, it's about saying "I choose you. period. no ifs ands or buts... whatever you are now, whatever you become, I chose you and that's the way it will be." So your choosing to accept him is indeed, the epitome of love it is the real thing. Because more than how we feel, more than how she/he makes us feel, its about what we do for, with and because of them.

To me, more than a feeling it's a choice and continued actions for this person in every way. That is love. to me.

:::steps off soap box:::
S4 Take it it or leave it, thats what I think when I really ponder it.

[UnderTheRose]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Feelings change, sometimes we may be all happy and giddy about the other person in our life but other times they may just bug the shizz out of you for no apparent reason. But love endures both ends. It is the combination of being devoted to this person in spite of their failings at times, and not expecting every moment to be like the first day, the infatuation we felt then.

One of my realizations about the doctors being right about BPD was the splitting --- could love and hate my husband in two seconds flat.
If he was making me feel good about myself... YAY. If he said something or acted in a way to make me feel bad....
Something to do with feeling always like being a reflection in the eyes of someone else.
So... when we hook up with someone... that mirror, being wary of the way I am perceived. What sort of reflection will I see?

Many days I see only grim tolerance of me, reflected from him.
Some days I see outright irritation and anger - when he calls me selfish or lazy or whatever other thing might come from him. (I mistook his passive agressiveness for the 'quiet gentleness' I stated above)

Then there's days where he will think about me, and maybe inadvertently rub my back a moment, or some other small thing and then I feel worthy again.

This constant basing myself on how he saw me, got to a point where I had to emotionally detach myself from him because everything he said when angry hurt too easily and now I'm at the 'yes i accept him for who he is, I wont ask him to change, but if he leaves me, oh well'
(i apologize for disjointed thought. new meds and feeling wonky)

[QUOTE=GeorgiaGirl413;3285612]

Originally Posted by jeffro1972

[/quote

Wow, Jeff, that's alot of emotion all at once.

What can I say Georgia, I'm an emotional guy.

Originally Posted by UnderTheRose

One of my realizations about the doctors being right about BPD was the splitting --- could love and hate my husband in two seconds flat.
If he was making me feel good about myself... YAY. If he said something or acted in a way to make me feel bad....
Something to do with feeling always like being a reflection in the eyes of someone else.
So... when we hook up with someone... that mirror, being wary of the way I am perceived. What sort of reflection will I see?

Many days I see only grim tolerance of me, reflected from him.
Some days I see outright irritation and anger - when he calls me selfish or lazy or whatever other thing might come from him. (I mistook his passive agressiveness for the 'quiet gentleness' I stated above)

Then there's days where he will think about me, and maybe inadvertently rub my back a moment, or some other small thing and then I feel worthy again.

This constant basing myself on how he saw me, got to a point where I had to emotionally detach myself from him because everything he said when angry hurt too easily and now I'm at the 'yes i accept him for who he is, I wont ask him to change, but if he leaves me, oh well'
(i apologize for disjointed thought. new meds and feeling wonky)

don't apologize for your thoughts ever. you're being honest and that's what counts.. whatever it is, disjointed or not.. I like to hear it.

Ok my turn the thing is that I just finished posting something to someone in another thread about being overwhelmed when you think of everything all at once - problems, plans, thoughts.. it overwhelms us, that is, people. Well the thing I just realized based on your post is that as a bpd person sometimes we base everything and globalize based on a very minute thought or feeling. In the moment we may hate them and forget everything they've ever done for us.. because in the moment they are the devils spawn. other times they are on a pedestal and all bad things they've ever done are wiped away in the moment... and we love them with every ounce of our being. Thing is there has to be a middle ground.

here's what I am getting at related to the other post I made. There are times we should be more limited in our thinking -- as in thinking of the moment and what we can deal with right now so that we aren't overwhelmed by the things we need to face in life. other times we need to actually think more globally and look at the big picture... We seem to have this backward. How so? think about this... when we are deep in splitting it's due to minute thinking, looking at that one moment someone did one simple thing that threw us into hating them or loving them. at these times we need to think more globally to keep our heads straight, in other words, when you feel you hate him, you need to think more widely about all those years, months or what not (apply your own time range) that he's been there for you. While in the midst of a spiral out of control we may need to not think about all the things going wrong in our life at once. We do the oppposite. When we need to isolate our thoughts to the moment, we think globally and overwhelm ourselves when we need to think about someone as a person more over the long term, we tend to focus singularly on the one bad thing they did.

i know I'm rambling but it makes sense in my little over active brain.

[UnderTheRose]

Oooh!!! Yes, many times yes, that makes much sense! And oddly, is something -in bits and pieces- that we've been talking about working toward in DBT. Awesome observance!

Originally Posted by UnderTheRose

Oooh!!! Yes, many times yes, that makes much sense! And oddly, is something -in bits and pieces- that we've been talking about working toward in DBT. Awesome observance!

Interesting. I know nothing of this DBT you speak of

But seriously I don't know anything but that it's for helping you control emotions and think more clearly or something. All that above was purely analytical mumbo jumbo from my squishy grey matter.

[HealingNSuffering]

I agree with this thread! I'm sure I've been in love before, been hooked on the idealized version of a person to and locked into toxic relationships to "mutually assured destruction" is the best way to describe that one. The best fits I've had I waited too long and lost my chance, now I'm stuck still having feelings for somebody who probably forgets that I even exist. Good thread I think the reason it feels like we fall in love too fast is because we experience emotions more intensely and for longer periods of time than other people.

[UnderTheRose]

An important feature of DBT is the assumption that it is the emotional regulation system itself that is disordered, not only specific emotions of fear, anger, or shame. Thus, BPD individuals may also experience intense and unregulated positive emotions such as love and interest. All problematic behaviors of BPD individuals are seen as related to re-regulating out of control emotions or as natural outcomes of unregulated emotions.

for S4ndm4n, couldnt find the exact parts that reminded me of what you said, too many pages in the site, but yes, learning when its time to look at the bigger picture, and when it's time to look at things right now at this second. Taken from Linehan DBT

Basically the motto is to Create a Life Worth Living and learning how to think with what they call the Wise Mind. Allowing us to make choices based on both reason and healthy emotion.