It seems like every day I'm getting worse. Even though I can look around and see all the good things it doesn't touch me. I'm completely shut off from the world. Except for pain. Thats about the only thing I'm feeling now.

I am in full on self destruct mode right now. And I can't stop it, not even sure I want to stop it.

My partner is watching me fall apart and there is nothing he can do about it. He loves me and I don't even know why. I make his life worse, no doubt about it. I have put him through so much stress over the years.

I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say. I don't know if I can handle this. I'm not sure if I can survive.

[jadedbutterfly]

I wish I had special words to help you.....

[MDDBPDPTSD]

I am sorry for your pain. I believe you can survive. You can continue to reach out, to keep talking and surrounding yourself with people who understand what you are going through and how hard it is sometimes to just take life second by second. But that is how it is done. Just one more second... and then another... and another.... and comfort yourself knowing that you will not always feel this bad. Emotions are like waves. The only thing constant about them is that are always changing. One comes in and sometimes it might stay a while, but another one will come in after this one. And another one after that. and so on.

Just keep breathing, putting one foot in front of the other and you will survive.

You might want to try some Distress Tolerance skills from DBT. You can find some here:
Distress Tolerance

Just remember these skills are not going to deal with whatever is causing your pain. Their goal is to get you through the pain to a calmer place, where you can think and be in your wise mind, so you can make wise decisions about what is causing your pain.

I hope some of this helps. (((Hugs)))

That's just the thing though, emotions are always changing. It's the change that I can't handle. It's knowing that the change could happen at anytime when I'm least expecting it and can't handle it. All i know is that it always comes back to this.

I have such an overwhelming urge to...well...you know. And it's getting stronger and I don't know if I can keep fighting it right now.

Second by second... Even that is hard to do right now

[123crazyornot]

Hey Secretwhisper. I'm sorry you are also feeling this way. I generally surf the numbness wave but occassionaly I go a bit lala which is happening at the moment and every emotion is trying to break through and I'm finding it difficult to control. I maxed out my credit card today literally bought something from every shop from one end of the mall to the other, had a fab time while knowing that I couldn't afford it all i just don't care at the moment. My 15yr old daughter is currently holding my purse for fear that i will sneak out at midnight to go to 24hr walmart. My point is that 'm aware but I don't care but i know I have to remove myself from temptation hence my daughter has hidden my purse. So I would advise you to remove yourself from the stressful situation for however long you need preferably alone and with walking potential where you can lose yourself in nature and fantisise about being well. It does help to destress you. honest. Hope you are feeling more level soon x

[123crazyornot]

As you can tell by the post time my racing thoughts are keeping me awake so I don't know if my manic post is helpful but I hope you can identify and realise you can be ok

I'm giving it a go. It just really is tough right now.

Just got home from seeing my T. Not seeing him for another two weeks as he is on leave but he's going to make an appointment for me to see a pdoc as he thinks my meds need adjusting.

That scares me a bit. Last time my meds were changed they kept on changing and it just completely messed me up. That and the pdoc was just really nasty last time I saw her. Unfortunately there is just her to see so I don't have much choice.