[AnnaBegins]

I haven't felt comfortable posting on here for a bit - had a session with my therapist last week and have been feeling pretty off ever since because of a comment he made.

Most of the time, I work from home on the days I have sessions; mine are first thing in the morning because when I started seeing him, that was the only time he had available. However, last week I wasn't able to work from home so he offered me a cancellation at 7 PM. When I got there, I was still in work mode so I was "on", still in the same performance mode that I feel I have to be in, or at least try to be in, whenever I'm around people in general that I either don't know or don't trust. The first fifteen minutes of the session went differently than usual - he was joking with me and I was being sarcastic right back and it felt more like two people having a conversation than anything else. Then he asked me "Is this business Anna?" When I told him yes, he asked why he doesn't see her more often.

I may be over-reacting but I'm kinda upset about that comment. I feel he implied he likes "Business Anna" better and would rather talk to her than the messed up piece of garbage he usually sees. I feel like a place I was starting to think of as safe is now back to being in the same category as my office or any other public place - somewhere that I have to put on a carefully controlled act to fool everyone into thinking I'm OK, in control, etc. I was just starting to overcome some massive trust issues and bad knee-jerk reactions to being in therapy that stem from my childhood and now we're right back to square one.

I know part of this is in my own mind but still...I want to feel safe to be me in session, not feel like I have to fool him like I have to fool everyone else.

I think you misunderstood each other. I don't think that he realized that "Business Anna" was you having to put on a front for people. I think that he just reacted to seeing a different, maybe more positive and upbeat version of you who seems comfortable with herself (Idk about you, but when I am sarcastic with people, I usually am feeling comfortable in my own skin). And I think that is the goal of our therapy sessions, to get us all to a version of ourselves that is more positive and comfortable with ourselves, you know? I don't know if I'm making any sense; it makes sense in my head, but I'm having a tough time explaining it. The point that I want to make though is that he doesn't see that the person you have to be at work is a mask. Maybe you should tell him that, and tell him how difficult this is for you, and how his comment made you feel.

I understand having to put on a different face for the public. I have gone to work feeling like I was absolutely going to fall apart, but I certainly can't show it. I have patients to take care of, people who depend on me, so I have "Hospital MissKeena," the face that I put on with my scrubs. Patients think I'm just the coolest, nicest, most awesome person ever. Coworkers think I'm a fantastic and dependable worker. Pfft, they don't know me. Yeah, I totally know what you're talking about, here. It's exhausting.

[greentires4me]

its like leading a different life or facade most people do this to get by in the world. The real us rather sit on the couch and mope at least thats what I want to do. I have to be on to go outside and run into people I don't want to talk to and have a discussion with them about my life try to make it sound exciting about 24/7 days off I feel like I am retired and making my boredom stick in some sort of place. Outside is just uncomfortable for me so I wear different face for people but I am still me just the radiant up to beat kind of personality comes out and ready to complete something. now I take the "work laura" out on her leash to do her bidding

[AnnaBegins]

I met with him today and tried to explain how his comment made me feel. I told him I thought he liked "Business Anna" better and that she's just a facade. He said that "Business Anna" is a part of the whole Anna and that my job is to bring "Business Anna" closer to "real Anna". He also said that even though I feel like I have to put my facade on and go perform when I'm at work, at home, etc., I should look at his office as a safe space to just be me. Which touched off another round of anxiety since I still have panic attacks every time I have a session.

He did all the right things and said all the right things...my fault for having serious trust issues I guess. I don't know that anything he says or does will ever make me feel like I can fully trust him.

I feel so broken...like the light at the end of the tunnel just went out and I'm surrounded by thick blackness that I can't break free from.

When he said "is this business Anna" and wondered why he doesn't see more of that side of you, I can understand his point of view. I do not think his implication was that it was the better side of you but that there is some amount of control you have when you're in your "work mode". Although it may be extreme and you put on a "face" to be productive and get along, I see how there is an element of that "acting" that is something you can use. You don't want to go all the way and always be in "acting" mode in your personal life nor do you want to be all emotional and let loose in that manner in the work force place either. There's some of both sides that need to come together for you to feel whole. I hope this makes sense.

~S4