[HD7970GHZ]

Hi everyone.

I'd like to say it's great being a part of this online community! I wish it weren't purely digital - but this way we can set privacy boundaries in exchange for being open and honest about other things.

I've got a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. It took many years of therapy to arrive at the specific diagnosis, but whilst being in a deeply therapeutic relationship - I allowed myself to open up and I became fully fledged borderline for my therapist.

Twice I have been in the same outpatient program - within a span of 3.5 years. The program is 30 days of intensive therapy - 1 on 1 therapy as well as access to a psychiatrist and daily group sessions and knowledge - based mostly on DBT and CBT concepts.

In that time - I have managed to come to terms with my illness, and managed to (in some ways) remain aware and conscious of my patterns and willingness to grow despite my tendency to become fully reliant on things external to myself.

Now that I am back in the 30 day outpatient program, I am finding the need to fall back into the level of dependency with my therapist that I had the last time - 3.5 years ago. Only trouble is - what can I do differently this time around? I find that the more I open up about things to my therapist - the stronger the therapeutic alliance becomes - then I am truly emotionally out of control and unable to cope with being away from her and on my own. Even though all these tools and coping strategies have been drilled into my head over two intense therapy programs, and years of therapy - I still cannot remind myself enough - that my continued emotional dysregulation will ever get better...

I can self - soothe, and bring myself to the other side of an emotional storm - but when it happens over and over and over, and I find myself in patterns, and attempt to change those patterns - and that only leads to the same exact pattern just in a new way unbeknownst to me (at the time) I soon find out through more therapy - that everything I do, say, think and feel - is quite literally controlled by the need to fill my void inside...

It's frustrating - I've had the privilege of working with some highly talented therapists - whom genuinely have my best interests in mind - have given me the tools to continue moving forward - yet I cannot seem to get a handle on it when it comes time to do my part of the game...

Will this ever change?

Will I always be like this?

Will I ever get that feeling of satisfaction in a relationship with someone that I so desperately need, want and desire??

Things are definitely less intense this time around - but the whole experience happening 3.5 years later, again - in nearly the EXACT same way - brings out my hopelessness just a tad... Sure, I'm better off than some - but just how much **** can I deal with before finally saying SCREW it - I give up?

I look at the end of this 30 day program and I seriously consider going into inpatient 30 day psych ward hospitalization - because quite honestly - despite having all this time to reflect and gain awareness - it still doesn't change the fact that I am a miserable Borderline person - that everywhere I go I leave destruction in my own individualistic way (in accordance to the Borderline Personality modality) despite such high level of awareness....

Anyone got insight that could help me? Is it worth continuing on? Will I find whatever it is I am looking for? Or is it better just letting go of whatever it is that I so desperately seek?

If it's not possible to get something, why would I invest so much emotional, psychological effort into it... ?

Thanks

[IGotThis]

I can relate so much to this!!! I wish I had an answer for you, but I really don't... I get stuck in the same situation of trying to avoid the cycle and getting caught up in it because I tried to stop it... I also understand having all of these tools to use, but still needing those people... It sucks...

[IGotThis]

I am actually on the verge of possibly going back inpatient myself... I think if you need to go... If you are dangerous to yourself in a suicidal way especially, you need to do what is best to keep you safe... Inpatient may be the best place.

[HD7970GHZ]

Thank you for the reply. I appreciate it.

I think I may have to go inpatient after my outpatient finishes. I just can't see anything going well for me after I'm out of the program - it freaks me out. More-so than it has ever done in the past.

My life is in shambles, I've dropped out of school three times now in the past 5 years - all different goals and aspirations... It's been tough, I'm in debt, I quit my job because I went INTO debt for staying in that job (It was oil related - and had the potential to be amazing income, but the weather really screwed up the hours).

Now I'm getting help with feelings and emotions, but honestly - how far does that go when you're still all alone every night - forced to cope on such a profound level - and without the immediate or even short term access to people who offer you some sort of support...

Ex: Therapists

I don't know if this is something I can do on my own, let alone = with someone else who's trained professionally to help me...

I can literallly cry for 8 hours straight when my emotions take over - then I can laugh hysterically for the next 8 hours... But it's such a roller coaster (Most of the time - not all the time) so I'm scrambling to find things that I can grasp onto and keep me from rapid mood swinging...

Anyone else have problems with feeling the need to buy things and eat things? I'm definitely finding I'm impulsive...

Thanks,

ANY INSIGHTS ARE WELCOME PLEASE REPLY

[HD7970GHZ]

and does anyone else ever feel like they will be alone - forever?

The closest I've ever been to anyone in my life was in therapy - and every time I get that close - I can feel BOTH loved and supported the way I need want and desire - BUT - at the same time - I can feel the exact opposite in the same level of intensity - because ultimately, it is a therapeutic relationship - NOT a real outside and in the real world relationship...

It's almost as though - the only place safe enough for me to be 100% myself, is in the company of a professional who knows how to handle people like me - but in that comes - the realization that I will NEVER get what I need in a relationship outside from therapy...

SCARY as hell to me.

Anyone else relate?

[MoxieDoxie]

I have been in and out of college 4 times for all different things. Still can't figure out what I want to be when I grow up and I am 46. No drive, no passion, no enthusiasm just the need to fiercely protect my safety bubble I have created. I have a husband(second one) I have been married 11 years and it works because he always found my crazy mood swings entertaining and he always seems to know how to untrigger me.

[IGotThis]

Oh my god, that was the most accurate description I have ever seen on how I feel at night and being alone... Thank you so much...

I can relate to literally everything you have said... It does suck... I already asked my main support person to keep her phone with her, because there is a good chance I will need to call her to take me in...

I wish there were a way to know and accept that I will not be alone forever... I know it.. In my head, I know logically that that just doesn't make sense... But I just cannot accept it.. I can't believe it... I am going to be alone. That's all there is to it, right??