[learningtolive2013]

Hey everyone,

I am new here. I'm 41 years old, I've had a very chaotic life, a lot of marriages, impulsive, moved about 100 times or more.

I was just officially diagnosed a year ago and have yet to get myself in treatment, I've done a lot of self help though and I have noticed through time my symptoms have decreased to some extent and i'm more able to recognize symptoms and thoughts related to it.

One thing that i'm struggling with is my marriage "no surprise" that it's a relationship i'm struggling with :-) My husband is active duty military and has been deployed for almost 2 years now "How I've managed to keep my sanity during that time is a HUGE miracle".. It hasn't been an easy road that's for sure but in some ways it has been a help not having him here. Our marriage has been extremely turbulent and we were on the verge of divorce when he left. This time I've had to myself has thrown a wrench in my pattern of relationship bouncing though and has caused me to be alone and become comfortable with it. Although i'm physically alone, emotionally I still have those strings attached to him and when I don't hear from him as often as I want or if he gives me news that he's going to be gone even longer then my BPD fear of abandonment kicks into high gear and I get desperate and impulsive. It has been a work in progress..

My question is how do you learn to trust your feelings?
I feel like my husband doesn't care enough and is not there for me the way I feel I need him to be "classic BPD" but I have no gauge as to whether my feelings are legitimate or if it's just the BPD? If my husband treated a "normal" person and I use the word normal loosely.. But I have to wonder that if I didn't have BPD would I still feel like he doesn't give enough? and what can I use as a gauge to actually know that he really doesn't care enough?

I hope that makes sense and I appreciate any help with this of what you have used to decipher BPD thinking/feelings vs. legitimate thinking/feelings.

I look forward to being a part of this board, I know it will be therapeutic for me :-)

[GeorgiaGirl413]

There are no simple answers to the question (how do I trust my feelings) that you ask. Lots of us here have spent years (in my case decades) in therapy and still don't have a clear and concise answer for that one. My advice, if you want it, is to get yourself into therapy. That is the one person in my life who I trust to tell me the truth. If I am not sure that I can trust what I am feeling, then I discuss it with her and she guides me. As she validates my feelings more and more, then I learn to begin to trust my feelings more and more. But as I said, this has been a long process and it continues still. Good luck to you and I hope that you find what you need here.

[technigal]

First off: Military spouses deserve a medal. I have a lot of friends whose partner is in the military. I could never do it.

Second: I have no trust in my feelings. Right now my feelings and emotions are all over the place.

[thepoetishere]

I really don't know how to answer that as bpd feelings/thinking is all I know. I guess I don't trust my feelings because they are innacurate. I know that if my husband didn't care he wouldn't have stayed married to me so long...20 years. I try to look at the facts w/o emotions and sometimes it helps. And I try to get out of my head which is difficult. I just know that I can't dwell on the negative feelings I have because it's never as bad as I think it is. And welcome. I'm new too, and newly diagnosed. It's been a trip. feel free to pm me if you want to talk.
Kate

[sheiba]

welcome! I also am newly diagnosed, last 6 months I have started therapy and do alot of reading ... I just went over this topic with my T today I understand your confusion to trust yourself there are tools out there to help guide you 3 steps as each of us differ in our disease you should see a professional this is a key to preventing so many things and I would start therapy before your husband gets home your stress level and anxiety will change as you have been in control since he has been gone . I tried floating around without therapy thinking I could figure this out but all I was doing was reacting to situations instead of trying to understand them.. a big part of this for me is taking responsibility for my behavior but I can tell you for me beginning this journey is helping I am having some peaceful moments I didnt think were possible keep posting and again we are all different what works for me may not work for you,

[HD7970GHZ]

Learningtolive2013,

Thanks for posting! Welcome!

First: You are ENTITLED TO YOUR EMOTIONS.

You are a human being. Part of being a human being is experiencing emotions. Regardless if you think they are irrational or not - they are still legitimate feelings and you still experience them. There is nothing you can do BUT - experience them. So why be hard on yourself? You cannot very well NOT be a human being, can you? If you take away your ability to express your emotions and have feelings - you may as well decide not to be human.

So yes! Your feelings are legitimate. Trust them! "BEFRIEND YOUR EMOTIONS!" They can tell you many things about yourself. There is a REASON why you are experiencing them.

Most people don't know why they are experiencing emotions in the first place, however, you seem to know exactly - what is causing your emotions to come up - hence, you are having difficulties with your husband and the relationship - and you are seeking advice with whether or not your feelings are associated with, "BPD thinking/feelings vs. legitimate thinking/feelings."

What I am trying to say is - sometimes we with BPD - can over-think, ruminate - and come to believe a negative thought when in reality - it holds no FACTUAL basis. Of course we do that. But ALL HUMANS DO THAT. It isn't something that is unique to Borderline Personality Disorder, nor is it something that is only found in mental illness in general. It is a human trait. So please - give yourself some slack. Yes, sometimes you will be wrong, sometimes you will over think things and sometimes it will lead to more problems - [had you not believed it in the first place] - but you are human, so do NOT feel guilty for having FEELINGS and EMOTIONS.

Trust yourself = Befriending Emotions

I hope that helps in some way,

Thanks,
HD7970Ghz

[learningtolive2013]

Thank you all for the warm welcome and suggestions for what has worked for you in this situation.

QUOTE: If you take away your ability to express your emotions and have feelings - you may as well decide not to be human.

(Sometimes it seems this would be easier)

I have an appointment with a therapist set for next week to start digging through this stuff. My problem hasn't been taking the first step it has been sticking with the walk.