Hate this disorder

I hate this disorder. I hate having it. I hate that the description fits me like a well made glove. I hate the stigma attached to it. I hate the way ppl assume I'm a horrible person because of it.

Therapy and meds have brought me a long ways towards recovery, but not close enough, and definitely not fast enough. Starting to be able to develop patience and recognize impulsivity b4 it strikes. I'm working on establishing both goals and boundaries for myself. I have learned a new hobby. I feel proud of my strength to defy my illness, but so often I am discouraged by the mere fact that I will always fight this for the rest of my life. That thought alone stops me from making progress on a regular basis. As if my brain says, 'if you can't ever really repair it, why try? It's inevitable that you will always fight and usually fail." I hate my brain, the chemicals in it, and my past, creating the perfect recipe for this disasterous disorder.

It is so easy to hate it, to want to run away from it ~ I hear you. I liked reading the progress you have made; it gives me hope as I haven't come any further than a couple of mere baby steps. It takes time, I lose patience, get frustrated, and as you, get discouraged feeling like it is always going to be a battle. Then I realize that thought is only going to deprive me of the good days and times in between and would rather have some than none at all. I'm trying to look at it as though I had a bad day instead of I'm a failure, but we all feel that way at times. Embrace that proud feeling while you keep working on your personal goals and boundaries and enjoy your new hobby!

The progress you have made is fantastic and a beacon of hope to us all. I understand how easy it is so hate this. At first it hurt so much to read the symptoms and realize my personality is merely text in a manual. Eventually I have come to see it is not who I am, but it is an answer for why I feel and act so different from others. I know we will always struggle with this and I know how hard it is to keep positive but it sounds like you have done such great work.

I feel ya. I wish I could just be "normal". I remember my family was extremely unsupportive when I was in DBT, because it wasn't fixing it fast enough for their liking. They'd like to just shove benzos down my throat when they feel I need to be subdued.
and I never wanna tell new non mentally ill friends, I figure they'll judge me hard.
You're not alone.

That is how I look at my diagnosis, an answer to why I feel the way I do.

Thanks so much to everyone for their kind words. At times I feel my progress, at others it feels so frustrating to have to fight these feelings all the time....to second guess my thinking and behavior...to wonder will I run this person away too?

It is so nice to know I am not alone with these feelings! I wish all of you success in your journey in life towards balance and happiness. Stay positive, seek help, and always look to improve.