[ScarletPimpernel]

This past week has been one of the most difficult weeks for me in a long time. I'm really surprised I am still holding on somehow (though I have to restart counting days w/o SI )

My T had a family emergency and had to cancel our session before X-mas. Then she insisted that she call me the day after X-mas. She forgot to call So then she e-mails me, saying: "I am sorry that yesterday did not work out to touch base." At the end of the e-mail she says: "Feel free to continue to email as needed until we meet this coming week."

See, the normal "rule" is one e-mail a week. It must be in an outline format, it can't be longer than a page, and I must "sleep on it" before sending it.

So my T gave me, a person with BPD who is scared to death of abandonment and who she basically just abandoned, permission to write her as needed!!! Poor T. She just got a total of 5 pages single spaced in Word and it's only Saturday and I don't see her (supposedly) till Thursday.

Now my fear is that if I haven't lost her already, this might push her over the edge. But she expects 100% openness and honesty from me, and she did give me permission, right? I don't know. I'm so lost and confused and hurting. She's my T. Her job is to help me work through the pain. I just don't know how that works when she caused it (albeit unintentionally). I'm caught btwn desperately wanting her to comfort me, to pushing her out of my life. I'm tired of life being so fragile.

Wow your T sounds restrictive. Is she a DBT Therapist?
When I was in DBT my T never gave me any restrictions, besides his phone coatching hours.
I hope she doesn't drop you but if she does, she may not be the T for you. Therapy seems to be a two sided commitment.
Best of luck.

[greentires4me]

sorry you have had a hard couple of days there I would do the same thing with her email write her a long email because we write our feelings down on paper more then telling her in person. Then we learn to communicate our feelings out to people it takes a long time learning how to communicate with out fumbling over our words. But you will get there eventually with learning how to talk about your emotions with your T.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Thank you for the comments. I do communicate so much more clearly through written.

My T is not DBT. She is considered CBT, but with a humanist approach. Besides the problems this week, we've actually meshed well together. But she knows that I can write a LOT. I've only been seeing her for almost 3 months, and my file is probably busting at the seams already with the amount of paper I have given her. In fact, she told me to stop doing the "homework" because I did too much (on purpose to overwhelm her of course).

And an update: I think I freaked my T out. 30mins after I sent her my longest e-mail I got a response basically saying that it would probably be wise to not wait till Thursday for a session. I, trying to be humorous, responded by asking if she was only offering an earlier appt so I stop writing her. But I guess it's good news that she still wants to see me? Of course, in the back of my head I'm thinking: she probably just wants to terminate in person. I guess my fate will be determined this week...

[facingdemons]

I realize that coming from someone with BPD, to someone with BPD, this is a little ironic, but I'm going to say it anyway

Remember that your T is human too. There is an excellent chance that she got caught up in her own life and didn't realize how much canceling the appointment would affect you. She may have seen your e-mail and realized how important it was for your treatment and been genuinely concerned. I don't think that a 5 page e-mail would cause a T to terminate your relationship...

I hope the session goes well. I know what it feels like to fear pushing people over the edge, and what it's like to push people away even though I don't want to. Apparently it's what we do.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I don't find it ironic . It might be an assumption, but every person I've met with BPD has actually been really intelligent. We just are so overwhelmed with our own thoughts and feelings, we don't do very well following our own logic.

And that's actually my issue with my T. I know she's human. I actually completely understood her canceling our session. I even tried my best to stay strong for her so she didn't have to worry about me on top of her own problems. But I couldn't keep up that strength. The pain became too great especially when she missed the phone call and didn't even seem to remember she told me she would call. So here I have one part of me that cares deeply about my T, doesn't want her to hurt, and wants to actually be supportive of her. The other part of me is in so much pain. My T is the person who I'm supposed to talk with in situations like this, but telling her how I feel makes me feel like I'm being inconsiderate to her. I feel completely stuck. Which is why I wrote her such a long e-mail. I was completely honest with her. I have never been in this position. I don't know what's appropriate and what's not. I'm trying to be understanding of her situation while also trying not to let myself breakdown completely. It's such a fine line to walk...

[Elektra_]

1st u shouldnt be mad at all. she was considerate enough to say sorry for not calling adn ell u to email whenever. 2nd i had this situation once and we basically ended all just bc of emailing. u need to be independent of ur t. ur life is not or should not depend on her. be glad she actually makes her best and cares for u. i know now what is like having a t that couldnt give a damn. so be grateful of it.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by Elektra_

1st u shouldnt be mad at all. she was considerate enough to say sorry for not calling adn ell u to email whenever. 2nd i had this situation once and we basically ended all just bc of emailing. u need to be independent of ur t. ur life is not or should not depend on her. be glad she actually makes her best and cares for u. i know now what is like having a t that couldnt give a damn. so be grateful of it.

I apologize if I came off as not caring. I'm not mad at my T. I know she cares. She knows I care. I am trying to balance both her needs and my own. She actually responded that she's not mad at my e-mails either. I am more than grateful to have her in my life. 3 months ago, I was literally ready to end my life. I spent 6 yrs locked in my house. It basically took a family emergency of my own and the cops being called on me to get me out of my house. I found my T on accident. I'm so lucky to have found her. I have stayed out of the hospital since having her in my life. I know I "should not" depend on my T. But that's part of the reason I'm in therapy. And I do know what's it's like to have a T who doesn't care. My current T is my 8th T. I am not a novice when it comes to the mental health field at all. It's one of the things that my T likes about me.

But I do not choose to suffer with what I'm suffering with. I do not want this disorder. The pain I inflict on myself and on others sucks. I truly love the people in my life. I would do almost anything for them. I am trying my best to work on my issues. That is why my T and I have a deal in place that we are both 100% open and honest with each other. And I have been, even down to the ugly truths.

I'm sorry Elektra if I came off mean, mad, or disrespectful. From your response, I would infer that you're struggling with something right now too. Least know you're not alone and people do care

[beautyandbeast5]

hey scarlet,

I only recently got diagnosed with BPD, and it's funny because I feel the exact same way you do but only with my mother (yes, helllllllllo therapy). I can't imagine feeling so close to a therapist though... I'd start to feel like they're my friend and if they try to establish boundaries after a while I'd feel betrayed enough to never talk to them again...

*sigh* why does that not even sound unreasonable to me?!?

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