[alley.cat]

What do you do when the closest people in your life are triggers? How do you learn to cope with the pain when you get turned away? When they disappoint you and aren't there for you? When they start to avoid you because of all the trouble you bring? How do you know when you're being unreasonable with your needs?

I'm shaking so hard right now and I don't know how to stop it or stop from feeling so awful or stop hurting other people or stop being hurt by people, unless I just never associate with humans again. But I crave closeness too much. I don't know how many friend-/relation-ships I'll create and destroy before I get better, if I ever get better.

[Shadow_wolf500]

We'll alleycat love the name. All of my friends have recently quit talking to me ( my fault would rather not bring it up lol) but I pushed them away like everyone close to me and now I don't have any of their numbers they didn't invite me to Christmas Or New Years like the past few years. They even didn't tell me they all moved in together. Spent last week crying about it part of this week. Today is better but still feel a little fragile. I know I get close to people and they become my triggers usually prob spawned from my codependency. When you find how to differentiate do please let me know lol till then I'll commiserate and feel the same way and suffer the same battle with you. Also you will get better if you hold together enough to get there.....just takes time.

[Shadow_wolf500]

Ah yes my birthday is the 11th and all these friends I usually have would be there are avoiding me like the plague. My birthday party save for one person is consisting of people who will be there only because my girlfriend asked them and as it draws closer all I want to do is Nix the entire idea hide away and spend it alone but the gf won't let me.

mostly all my triggers are always people I am very close with and love dearly.

I dont know why it hurts so bad when they disappoint me.
Sometimes I think its because I prioritize others more so then I should? So when they let me down it means so much more because if it were me I would never do x y z because I care for them with all of my being.

I know its not true. But my emotional part doesnt let me think clearly enough to realize this in the moment.

Hurting others never feels intentional for me. When I am in a bad place I become critical and push people away. I rather do the pushing then be dropped. Rejection feels like a knife to the heart. Expectations are a big reason for the disappointment.

I dont know how to change any of this really..
I try to not get into certain convos or refrain from contact all together if im doing really bad...when asked about being distant i usually say that I havent been feeling great.

The need to connect leaves me still dealing with my on and off again bf who is my biggest trigger most days.

Its a constant battle.

Hang in there Cat

[alley.cat]

Thank you everyone. It's awful knowing others know exactly what this pain is like, but reassuring at the same time that I'm not alone in this.

My panic attacks and violent shaking are only ever triggered by the closest people in my life. I don't want to give them that power, and I want to do away with them (even if it means losing out on something great), but I can't.

I think one of the worst things is the anticipation of when I'll ruin another friendship. It's not a matter of "if" I'll do it, it's a matter of "how" and "when." I feel like a ticking time bomb, and I want to push people away, but desperately want them to want to be close to me at the same time.

[Fuzzybear]

A few of my supposed friends have quit talking to me. But I don't really think I'm the horrible person they seemed to see me as. I'm nice . but some of their behaviours are triggering to me

[Contrabanned]

A close friend of mine (who has been diagnosed schizophrenic, bpd, bipolar) used to be one of my main triggers. One minute we were as close as can be, the next we wanted to kill eachover. It was bloody intense. What made it worse was that he picked up a coke habit, and he turns into a total manipulative arse when he's on that. It's got to the point where (like so many other people I've been friends with) we hardly talk to eachover. Now he's gone everyone and everything else is starting to get to me. So it's a lose-lose.