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#826
Jul 14, 2014, 07:55 PM
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Quote:
__________________
I have learned that i and i alone am responsible for my happiness, most people these days are as reliable as wet toilet paper!  
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 isntlifewonderful
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#827
Jul 14, 2014, 07:57 PM
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4 day bender is coming to and end..back to earth & to getting things done tomorrow
__________________
I have learned that i and i alone am responsible for my happiness, most people these days are as reliable as wet toilet paper!
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 Britneigh
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#828
Jul 14, 2014, 09:02 PM
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Quote:
__________________
...In the darkness I will meet my creators And they will all agree, that I’m a suffocator
 -Daughter |
| isntlifewonderful
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#829
Jul 14, 2014, 10:11 PM
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Jumped my horse 3'8" today. She isn't nearly fit enough to do it but dang she has so much heart she didn't even question me. I half hoped I'd fall off and die. Wasn't lucky enough. I need to stop using horses as a way to off myself.
Finished the night off with some whisky and good music. Sorry lefty I'm not putting the bottle down. I need it too much right now. Drinking is keeping me from going too far. I want you all to listen to Paradise Fear's song Battle Scars. It's my anthem right now.
__________________
Life's so dark when every day is a struggle
Why go out and see the world on fire Don't let your mindset become what controls you Speak right now and make the choice to grow |
| Lefty_Mac
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| Bill3
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#831
Jul 14, 2014, 11:42 PM
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Well, here's what could be an anthem song for you: It's from Dennis Wilson, original drummer and founder of the Beach Boys, who died broke, fired from the Beach Boys, lost his voice, couldn't stop drinking, and fell off a boat because he haphazardly jumped from it to get something that fell off of it, but he was so smashed he drowned and died. He was the only guy who really surfed in the band, and loved cars, boats and most above of all, the sea. They found him in fetal position as if he had returned to his womb in the water a day later, with a serene expression on his face. This is from his single solo album; he didn't have money to finish the second and died before it was completed. Dennis Wilson - River Song
(click on the picture) Walkin' down by the river Water running through my knees (Ahhh) River, oh river moves so free (Ahhh) Oh mighty river endlessly Oo mighty river I would love to be like you Oo lonely river Has not got the time to say I was born into the city life It's all that I've ever known You know it's rough gettin' round this place So crowded I can hardly breathe You can only see about a block or two In L. A. that's the truth I'm lookin' for some country life Some kickin' room no more city life I want the river Rollin' rollin' rollin' on river (I got to get away I got to get away I got to get away) Rollin' rollin' rollin' on river (I got to get away I got to get away I got to get away) Rollin' rollin' rollin' on river (I got to get away I got to get away I got to get away) Rollin' rollin' rollin' on river (I got to get away I got to get away I got to get away) Rollin' rollin' rollin' on It breaks my heart to see the city I wonder why it ain't pretty Oh I want to cry, want to cry Come on you've got to do it do it do it You got to run away you got to run away You got to do it do it do it You got to run away You got to run away You got to do it do it do it You got to run away You got to run away You got to do it do it do it You got to run away You got to run away You got to do it do it do it You got to run away You got to run away
__________________
"Did you ever wake up to find A day That broke up your mind Destroyed your notion of circular time? It's just that demon life that got you in its' sway..."
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#832
Jul 14, 2014, 11:51 PM
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As for me, my nightly check in, I'm pretty happy that I've just took upon myself on the decision of having four therapy sessions a week instead of two, and stop over medicating to erase the pain. I'd do best to deal with it, FEEL it, because as hard as it is, I'm not hiding from it again anymore, ot it'll just get worse. I want life.
__________________
"Did you ever wake up to find A day That broke up your mind Destroyed your notion of circular time? It's just that demon life that got you in its' sway..."
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| Achy Turtle Armor, Bill3, JadeAmethyst
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#833
Jul 15, 2014, 12:42 AM
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I need to start group DBT again. Third time is a charm.....right?
lolI have known since I stopped going that I would need to return again, as I need to work on forgiveness. Just don't know if I'm ready and willing to forgive at this point. All I do know is that my roller coaster ride is getting a bit too extreme and I need help now!
__________________
"Only in the darkness can you see the stars." - Martin Luther King Jr. "Forgive others not because they deserve forgiveness but because you deserve peace." - Author Unkown |
| Achy Turtle Armor, Bill3, JadeAmethyst
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#834
Jul 15, 2014, 06:36 AM
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Had a little tiff with the wife this morning. There are times her bossiness just wears on me.
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| JadeAmethyst
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| Bill3, JadeAmethyst
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#835
Jul 15, 2014, 07:01 AM
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feeling "normal" this morning..whatever that means, LOL
__________________
I have learned that i and i alone am responsible for my happiness, most people these days are as reliable as wet toilet paper!
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| Bill3, isntlifewonderful, JadeAmethyst
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#836
Jul 15, 2014, 11:14 AM
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Quote:
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#837
Jul 15, 2014, 03:25 PM
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Today, an appointment with a "safe" person to tell my story to. (the nutshell version) Finally!!!! A safe haven from the storm. It's ok! Feeling release.
love to all Jade
__________________
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#838
Jul 15, 2014, 04:33 PM
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Quote:
__________________
I have learned that i and i alone am responsible for my happiness, most people these days are as reliable as wet toilet paper!
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| isntlifewonderful
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#839
Jul 15, 2014, 04:46 PM
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I'm worried about my H. Or concerned might be a better way to describe it. He has been diagnosed with peripheral neuropathy in his feet. He has been on methadone for a couple of years now. Just recently his daily dose went from 10mg - 15mg. Also, last week, I was unable to find a drugstore that had any to fill his script. This has happened before but we always got some in the nick of time. Well this time his Dr gave him percoset or something else to hold him over. Well he is going through withdrawals! It is weird because I am the druggie in this relationship. I mean my past mostly. He is exhibiting all the signs. He said that he will never be off methadone. I dunno. Now he's covering up under a blanket. I just don't like where this is going.
One more thing. We hugged for the first time in many months. He initiated it but I felt uneasy and gave him a one armed hug.
__________________
...In the darkness I will meet my creators And they will all agree, that I’m a suffocator
-Daughter |
| shezbut
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#840
Jul 15, 2014, 04:51 PM
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if he has been on methodone for any length of time, percoset is not going to cut it. hope things get better
__________________
I have learned that i and i alone am responsible for my happiness, most people these days are as reliable as wet toilet paper!
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| Achy Turtle Armor
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#841
Jul 15, 2014, 07:17 PM
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Felt god today. Working on set tomorrow with my boss (like an actual tv set...) little nervous but really really excited.
__________________
Life's so dark when every day is a struggle
Why go out and see the world on fire Don't let your mindset become what controls you Speak right now and make the choice to grow |
| Bill3
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| Bill3
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#842
Jul 15, 2014, 07:38 PM
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Feeling very motivated and confident; stopped overmedicating, I'm introducing sodium valproate and cutting off the diazepam, raised the number of therapy sessions from 2 to 3 and will start swimming next week. And cutting on the Luckies too
__________________
"Did you ever wake up to find A day That broke up your mind Destroyed your notion of circular time? It's just that demon life that got you in its' sway..."
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| Bill3, Britneigh, shezbut
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#844
Jul 15, 2014, 08:57 PM
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waiting and trying to cope....waiting and trying to cope....waiting and trying to cope.....impatient.......who me? yeah!
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| Bill3
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#845
Jul 15, 2014, 09:10 PM
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Quote:
__________________
I have learned that i and i alone am responsible for my happiness, most people these days are as reliable as wet toilet paper!
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#846
Jul 16, 2014, 02:17 AM
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Working in a rough part of town today... Actually fearing my safety lol xxxx
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#847
Jul 16, 2014, 06:21 AM
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New pdoc today. He is a bpd specialist.
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#848
Jul 16, 2014, 10:07 AM
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it helps to write about my problems..
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#849
Jul 16, 2014, 10:12 AM
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Bpd diagnosis reduced to borderline personality traits. Why does that hurt so much??? Shouldn't I be happy?
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| sideblinded
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#850
Jul 16, 2014, 10:26 AM
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WARNJING: TRIGGERING CONTENT. I REALLY WISH ANYBODY HERE SKIP THIS POST OR READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION IF YOU DECIDE TO DO SO. I DO NOT CONDONE VIOLENCE AT ALL BUT I JUST NEEDED TO SAY IT.
Well wouldn't you know....spent the whole morning writing in my blog basically a death threat with ugly, nasty details of what I'd do to one of those ex-friends of mine who I defriended long before the rest because he's so BIG AND STRONG, and told me he'd probably go to jail if he met me on the street from so much that he'd kick my ***....well, now the tables have turned. He'd better carry a gun because just because I'm a tiny guy I sure know how to MAIM... and if I see him on the street....but I took the high road and deleted it all. I have no more proof of his threats, and I sure don't wanna be sued or be somebody's ***** at jail as well. But in the current condition I'm in, there's no telling on the hideous s---t that I'd do to him, so I hope I don't meet him AT ALL. It ended up being like Fischer-Hoffmann therapy, cos the demons I let out in that blog post were true BEASTS. I just don't hope I meet him as I am now - when I get better, I'd probably just shoot him in the face. THAT'S how much I hate this guy....a womanizing, son of a German mother obsessed with nazism, watching those Russian videos of people dying, a bully, a liar, a thief even, and a hypocrite who likes to simply take advantage of ANYONE, not just me, and does everything in his power to harm in as many ways as possible to the people who doesn't do what h wants, the way he wants, never having any remorse for what he does to others.... In other words, a psychopath. And since I don't like most people either,, you don't even imagine what I think about psychopaths. His liver is compromised and I hope he dies slowly and painfully. And NOGOD forbid that I meet this guy. I'm serious. But relax, folks, I've never practiced violence in my life purposely. AND NOW'S NO TIME TO START. On the other hand, I can listen to Pet Sounds and Smile again without bursting into tears.
__________________
"Did you ever wake up to find A day That broke up your mind Destroyed your notion of circular time? It's just that demon life that got you in its' sway..."
Last edited by Lefty_Mac; Jul 16, 2014 at 10:42 AM. |
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